Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Relationships that build victims {1}

Focus on Performance

The dynamic: How people act is more important than who they are or what is happening to them on the inside. Love and acceptance are earned by doing certain things. Living up to the standard is what earns acceptance, the result of which is acceptance of behaviors, not people.

Manipulation

The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful, unspoken rules. These rules are seldom, if ever, said out loud. In fact, when spoken out loud many of them sound ridiculous. No one says out loud, 'What people think about us is more important than what is really happening.' The 'can't talk' rule keeps people quiet by labeling them as the problem if they notice and confront a problem.

Coding is an example of verbal manipulation. When we 'code,' we say something in a crooked manner. Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are supposed to decode. People also code non-verbally with body language - by giving dirty looks, becoming loud or quiet, or leaving the room in a sullen or disconnect attitude.

Triangling is another way to act manipulative in relationships. This simply means to send a message to someone through another person instead of delivering it directly.

Unbalanced Interrelatedness

The dynamic: Members of shame-based systems are either under-involved or over-involved with each other. Another word for under-involvement is neglect. There is no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences. Another word for over-involvement is enmeshment. This is when there are no clear boundaries between people. Two lies govern: First, it is your responsibility to make sure everyone else is happy and well and you have the ability to achieve this. Second, everyone else is responsible to make sure you are happy and well and they are capable of doing so. Consequently, everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself.



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 56-57, 58-59

3 comments:

Sanctification said...

Thinking about myself.

I said recently that I have been abusive. Here are some of those things I've done wrong.

1 -- unbalanced interrelatedness, yep

2 -- triangling. I did have an excuse for it, but, that doesn't mean it was a good thing.

And of course at times am more interested in seeing someone improve their behavior according to my own ideas of what is right. The "focus on performance."

Michele

Anonymous said...

hi michele

recently on another blog there has been some interaction about a forum on zeta boards.

we wanted you to know that the Duluth Bible/Duluth Believers Forum is hosted by "those who have left".

most of us have the subtle power of spiritual abuse on our bookshelves...also twisted scripture, along with many other resources that are helping along the journey

God's precious word has helped the most as we de-tox and learn anew what it means to love Him and be loved by Him

it may help you to know that we know tom personally...there are years upon years involved in these relationships...weddings, family, the list goes on

because we have left or been asked to leave so many relationships have been broken

we also know tim face to face, and although he is a new friend, he is a welcome friend ...brought into our lives by the same Father who loves all of us so much that He gave a gift that is almost beyond comprehension....His son

we have found freedom since we left

we will continue to seek His face continually and abide in Him and the freedom He gave and gives us

just wanted you to have a little background and know that we pray for all involved

hope this encourages or helps a bit

Sanctification said...

Anonymous,

At a time so tender as you depict how can I make any requests. I had no awareness of your experience. I have been through similar pain at times in my life.

Thank you for telling me in your own way that what I am thinking about at this time is important.

Compassionately,
Michele

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