Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Well that wasn't too bad. Actually it felt all good. I met with Bonnie this morning. She understands.

Driving home I felt like a burden had lifted. And then that's when I reviewed how dire it seems, and cried afresh over it.

It's so bad that a couple nights ago I said to myself, "Can I just... not be a Christian anymore? Say that I don't believe in God?" I wish that I could just be let go from my conscience, and be free to live life like He's not real, like a heathen, like someone consumed by the world. It looks like it feels like relief.

How can someone who is so dire, dare to try and serve God through any kind of speech or action? That's something I can't answer. For a long time I thought it was folly. Now I think it's possible, but maybe just when I am thinking about others, and the gospel, like I said in my previous blog.

When I look at myself there is no reason to expect progress. I know where I am, I know that my circumstances pretty much can't get better, and I know that I honestly want to be done. It's only the people I love and the truth that is a message of hope which makes me try and fight and believe that maybe I too, can be redeemed.

Monday, January 29, 2007

the gospel I love

I give the LORD the credit for the new presentation of this weblog. It is inspired by His good news which gives me hope.

Somehow in the last several months I thought I could do without it. Scripture itself wasn't able to break me. But just before Christmas He reminded me through a long-time dear and simple story how I felt -- and the reason why Christ makes a difference.

What was the story about? It's about others. What they deserve. What they have been given. How amazing hope in Him can be. Doctrines and teachings and memorized passages didn't penetrate, and God must have planned to cause this repentance instead through reminding me of the ones I love.

The love itself I can't really share out loud. It just is, it moves me, and I feel it. It used to always be that when I saw people, in my mind I heard scripture. And when I heard scripture, I thought of people. They were bound together once and they are once again.

Previously I have explained this doctrine as 'law versus grace.' It is the conviction that in Christ we are truly free to depend on Him for everything. I spent much of the year 2005 trying to capture its beauty, in my blog entries and journals. In 2006 I was fairly silent on my experience of subjection to a misery that was crying out to receive relief in the very way I believed the world ought to be ministered to. Why is it that it is so much more easy for me to give a generous helping of healing to everyone else, but I can't be as gracious with my own needs? I operate as if my guilt is so much more necessary than anyone else's.... That's wrong, and I want that to change.

A Snoodle's Tale

Friday, January 26, 2007

Okay let's talk about it

Last spring I conceived a blog entry on this matter but decided against it for the self-centered feel of it. However, my inner narrator kept a good record for me....

My sister invited me to join her for a 'fun-filled three hour trip' to the bowling alley. She's in a league. This was after a previous trip where some nineteen year old was... flirting with me? I don't know. Ask Monica what was going on there. I thought I'd never go back. I took note of the chance for free babysitting, so, I went again, after finding out that there wasn't going to be the same guy there.

Every time I made a trip from that one area where people bowl to concessions I passed a place where there were billiards, and there were several Mexican-American men playing and they had big smiles on their faces. It's like I was their long lost friend by their body language. I'm not interested in the attention so I just kinda looked... at the wall and stuff. Every time I passed, even with my sister next to me, Monica says they were looking at me and not her. With huge smiles.

This a cultural thing, correct? I know that they are more outgoing with their appraisals, as a generalization. Someone once infomed me about it when they saw me in my confusion. This latest experience added to a pattern Monica and others and I have observed, where, when I am with my caucasian friends, there are Mexican men directing a whole bunch of obvious attention to me. I remember the landscaper guy when I was 14 (we rented), staring in the windows at me EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I hated him, he gave me the creeps. I remember Sears was under reconstruction and I was wearing a blouse and slacks and there they were on the two-story roof, making a lot of commotion. I thought someone was in danger. It took me a couple minutes after having looking around and walking inside to think that it was about me. Huh? Theory verified when I exited.

What's the big deal? Do I LOOK Mexican? ?? ?? I can't explain it otherwise, but I don't think I do!

I mean, come on. Well, that might be... umm, is that maybe a Latina hairstyle? Alright (sigh), hair down.

Yeah -- I know. Where is this coming from? Don't you think so? I don't get it. After I gave birth the first time I became hypothyroid, and so since then I have this brown coloring around the lids of my eyes that looks like I put on eye shadow. It's always there. Kinda handy. But does it make some difference?

Unlikely; I started out fair.

Yeah; but... okay, I lived in Utah and I get really dark quick in the sun.

This one below just makes me look ethnic, maybe; even without a tan.

But in the same time frame you can see in the next photo that my skin appears more rosy and pale than this one here.

So, what am I? Well I've got a grandma who is wholly German, and the other three grandparents are at least 25% German, so that makes me about 70% German with the remainder being English, Dutch and I think Scottish, in that order. Hmm; so, if I'm mostly German, does that mean, I'm mostly stubborn and dominating? (tee hee)

Ever since I got uncomfortable that last time, whenever I feel a Latino male eye possibly upon me, I close my eyes and hear my first-person narrator speak on my behalf "Gggeeeerrrrrrrrrmmmaaaaannnnnn. See that square jaw? Hmm? Say it with me; Gerrmannn...."

This hasn't been very politically correct and I'm sorry for the attitude at their expense, because that's not very Christian. On the other hand I'm just trying to say how I feel about it as a woman.

Here is a poor pic of me and a German exchange student friend when I was 21.... I notice that she has the square jaw, the high cheek bones, the prominent chin. We must be long lost sisters. I'll have to tell her next time I see her. Ha ha.

There... discussed.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Talk Like a Man!

I try to not let my gender get in the way of what I want to communicate. I don't know what's going on there, but, when I am successful at concealing that I am a woman, somehow I think I've noticed there is more thinking going on for others. Maybe a lot of people are attracted to the internet for that reason; it's just thoughts, and personality and identity can be completely irrelevant. That is exactly the kind of atmosphere to best share one's thoughts about the gospel. In the case that it is my age or appearance I didn't have any plans to share my picture on the internet, and didn't for a couple years. When it did surface my husband chose a fine example of my unphotogenic-ness. That was fine with me, too, for a long time.

My dad trained me from twelve years old, on, how to think critically. He never treated me like there was anything about me that could keep me from being successful at challenging others intellectually, and so I don't either.

Recently I joined the forum and after a few days of articulating my point of view, I was told, "Be careful not to fall into a pit, my brother." Aside from the warning, I was pleased. This isn't the first time that I've entered into discussions and been called a "he." Aside from not linking up my profile to a photo and not specifying that I am a woman, there is one more technique I have learned from my discussions with my father, and on through life, to help me remain anonymous. I've been paying attention to learn how to talk like a man. Here are a few pointers that I try to follow:

--Never, ever use the word "feel" when describing what you believe. It's a dead giveaway that you're a woman. A man will never, ever use this word. Not even in casual conversation. They use instead something like "my thought for here, for this," or "in my opinion, in my experience." My dad always told me, "emotions are absolutely irrelevant." He is absolutely right.

--Be brief. I mean, go back through your entry two or three times and cut out as many details as you possibly can. Most men have an intelligence that allows them to say quickly and direcly what it is they've got going on in their minds. They don't make use of introductory or summarizing paragraphs; that's a convention no doubt started by a woman to be sensitive to their audience. Men take years to figure out that it matters to them how they come across.

--Get angry on occasion.Believe in yourself like a man does. That means that when you're being beaten down to lose the conversation, use anger to aide the impression that you know you're right. To make it really authentic, make sure you get angry when you run out of things to say. Men always do this. Anger is a useful tool to sprinkle throughout your conversation to throw them all off your scent.

--Think at least two steps ahead. Maybe you'll need three. Before you open your mouth to begin a conversation, or before you make a reply, make sure you take the time necessary first to anticipate what their response will be. Know for yourself how you will answer, and keep that in mind, without prematurely revealing it when you reply. Men hate being wrong; in fact, in their universe it just never happens, and secretly they work very hard to think comprehensively about all answers beforehand so that they don't have to be troubled by their universe collapsing in on them.

If you apply yourself to these principles, I think you will find you will be treated with more relevance.

I don't utilize these to a maximum. It's not to my liking to gain a better impression for being listened to if it has to be at the expense of being kind. But they do help in moderation.

What's Wrong?

It's a postpartum (during a pre-partum state) which is a direct result of the former miscarriage. Anyone familiar enough with those terms and able to form a series of understandings from them, I'm hoping will be sympathetic.

There it is.

The bothersome thing is that I violate my own conscience. I devoted so much of my self to the pro-life point of view, and created such a beautiful and high moral standard, so, how can I deal with such a loss of my own interest to follow through? I truly love the things that I learned, and I still do! It just goes to show how the nurture part in my heart really has won me. I found the nurturing point of view so true, and so superior. I even shared my heart and mind on that topic, to everyone around me. They all know now what I hold the world to.

But I'm not interested in what I ought to be. All I can think about, is anything else. I rarely make myself behold a panoramic view of where I should be and where I have taken to. To do that feels like a knife twisting and turning inside, and I would just start crying with no release until I force myself to forget the matter. I'm just in a constant state of running away, and, it's not getting any better. I keep waiting for things to kick in 'naturally' and there's no progress. It's becoming more of a concern.

This is the troubled state I have been in since last January. Combining it with my untimely release from dogmatic feelings for Christianity has made it all the more a mess. It's been so difficult to find anything to anchor me.

For the first half I just couldn't face God at all. Now I know better at least to go when I have the strength. Still, I cannot believe myself. I haven't given up hope. I keep waiting for God to change me. I don't know how to help myself. I am beginning to wonder if someone else has to help me. I put in a note on Sunday for some kind of help from the church staff. Bonnie is supposed to call me today.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Template Update

Sometimes letting yourself relax can be stressful. I'm wading into something new and I don't have much good sense yet.

I feel the need to recover some of my serious nature in light of the immaturity I discovered I had lying beneath. So I have revised the look and some of the content of this weblog.

I'm tired by my non-Christian interests. And, I'm angry. Just because I can't be who I know I should and I've felt the weight of reclaiming my former joy, does not mean that all has to be lost. I forgot that there are things which are still important to me. I am not a hypocrite in everything; there really is a heart way down deep, in me, that is easily moved for the sake of other people. So, I'm going to find my way back. Back to caring about things and serving in ways that I know I am still burdened for.

I'll go back as far as my heart can sustain me.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

A baby is born!

On Sunday after 19 hours of labor, my sister-in-law gave birth to her first child, a little girl to which they gave the name Madeline Noelle J.

The announcement sent to everyone via email:

"Madeleine Noelle (Maddie) entered our lives and stole our hearts on Sunday, January 14th at 11:21am. She weighed 8 pounds, 4 ounces, measured 21 inches long and was born with a full head of wispy, dark hair. Maddie is the absolute delight of our lives and well-loved by many doting family members and friends."

Look at all that baby chub! Ha ha ha! That's baby made best.

I wonder who she looks like? Mom, or dad? The family is happy in their first moments united.

Oh, she has her mommy's eyes and cheekbones. But, daddy's nose!

Oh, I love it. I wish I were there.

Happy Birthday Madeline
Happy Birthday Madeline
You give us such deep joy
Happy Birthday Madeline

Sunday, January 14, 2007

My nephew



Am I picking you up or are you picking me up?

Hello there big world!

Boy = snuggle??

Timeout. This is pretty comfy.

Ooh, I think frosting might be the best thing I've ever tasted!

Why is everyone laughing? Don't they like frosting too?

I was hanging out with my little Mr. Logan L. today. Something happened in my heart. There was a connection I haven't been able to make with him his whole life. That's my fault. I just couldn't handle "baby" when he came. I just couldn't grasp "boy." But today it sunk in. I'm ready to bond with him as my one and only boy I have today who is related to me.

So I stole some pictures from my sister's computer. She is an avid digital photographer of her children, with over 4000 pics she's taken of them just in 2006 alone. I realized while I was going through them all (which took about an hour), how very few of them I am in, and I think this might be the only two of me holding him? Those two above are at Easter. Sad....

I hope my sister and this little precious one can forgive me for all the distance I let take place for this first year of his life. I don't want to let 2007 be anything like last year.

Friday, January 05, 2007

On my turf

Today I was mentally investing into discovering for the first time the modern sense of fundamentalism and ecumenicalism within my own religion, even having an interesting time listening to bad pubications blurb about BSF. I could feel me drifting in a sea driven by my curiosity, and felt a little nudge remind me: "You told yourself that next time you were going to do something extraordinary you were going to prepare a reply for your JW ladies. You know they'll be here any day."

I ignored the reminder. A half-hour later, ding dong. Crap. Okay, God, here we go.

The title of the month's publication was "Who is the Antichrist?"

I listened to her tell me for about fifteen minutes the introduction of scriptures and issues on the matter, and I even painfully said, "uh-huh" when she finished reminding me that we "had learned already" how after the apostles died, the Christian church went apostate. I failed to remind her that we had also studied how they had never discovered for themselves that probably all of those 'facts' were pretty much misquoted according to their own sources, and kept silent.

I focused myself to remember that since I canceled meetings with them, things are on a different angle now between us. That's all thanks to 2 John, way to go 2 John you were more wise than I could have known back when I was confused or afraid to obey. See, I confessed that I had to quit meeting with them because, despite all our similarities and all the things they were able to change my mind on, the problem remains that Paul described his gospel in many ways, the most plentiful being the "gospel of Christ," and what's more, he called that message of "Christ crucified" sufficient for knowing Jehovah and desired to know nothing else by comparison. They did not have that same flexibility to describe the gospel; in fact, they had said in their publications that Jehovah was the only one who ought to be proclaimed among the nations because of the diminutive nature and role of Jesus.

That sting, I think, wears off, and I hate to reinflict it, because I know she's going to think I am not listening anymore. She is going to think that I'm being stubborn, but it isn't true. For me it always was the trump issue, I just never felt I needed to be defensive about it. I'm only being defensive now because 2 John told me to.

She brought a new lady with her this time, an elderly Spanish lady who said that she suffered from poverty when she was a child but knowing the hope of paradise allows her to forgive and make reconciliation with those days. I had the utmost respect not only for her experience but also for her opinion and for the real consolation I know her church gives her.

Through her testimony I was able to bring it back to the heart of the matter. I addressed the new lady instead of my old visitor: "I feel so much appreciation for the hope you have found and it draws me to find myself in agreement and in joy with your good message you want to share with me; the only conflict I have is that you have brought to me today this topic of the antichrist [at which point I lifted the magazine to quote from] where it says about him in 2 john that the antichrist did 'not confess Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh.' I get from that that it's pivotal that we correctly identify Jesus, and so since I found in studies past more scripture verifying his eternity as opposed to his being created, I am forced to direct attention to the gritty issues, even though sometimes I'd prefer not to."

And I let it go at that. That was enough for me to discharge my sense of duty. We spent another fifteen minutes going over colossians yet another time, and I once again mentioned "prototokos" which the Spanish lady had no clue what I was trying to communicate, and my other regular visitor started to get a little flustered and upset and decided to just end the discussion of the Colossians passage with the claim that the context supported her conclusion and moved on to another point.

I don't see the good in it. I mean, the good for them. I doubt anything positive, eternally, will result. The one point of pleasure for me is that it is beginning to be established, that, if she really wants to overcome what appears to be my newly developing stubbornness now, she is going to have to address the scriptural basis for Jesus being Jehovah, because that's where I'm camping by the 2 john command.

My pastor gave a sermon a week before Christmas titled "Have a happy, slappy Christmas." I'm a little embarrassed to admit it for it exposes that evangelical weakness I am ashamed about. He told the story of St. Nicholas, the real person whose life became the myth of Santa Claus. He was a man who secretly did good deeds for the poor. But, he was also a member of the council of Nicaea. Apparently when Arius (the JW prototype) was up speaking during the council, and he was arguing for his belief about Jesus, Nicholas was so upsetted by Arius' defaming the deity of Christ that he walked up to him and slapped him in the face.

He summarized saying, "Now don't go around slapping people in the face, even if sometimes you feel like others deserve it. [Chuckle, chuckle in the congregation; I'm getting a little sick.] But, would you take an opportunity if it comes, to stand up for the reason for the season this Christmas? Don't let others talk irreverently about who Jesus really is and what Christmas is all about. If the real Santa Claus was brave enough at least in his conviction about Jesus' diety, then we ought to be brave too."

I was pretty mortified by the title of the sermon and even just the joking along that line of asserting my belief over other people I might come across. On the other hand, I felt that his message was meant just for me, and I had taken it to heart all these weeks.

Having them come into my home, and delivering the correction of scripture in the most gentle way I am capable of, was the best of both worlds. I got to say the truth that matters, because they came to me, and, I didn't have to leave Jesus underdefended like I had been doing for a couple years running.

2 John 9-11 "Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take him into your house or welcome him. Anyone who welcomes him shares in his wicked work."

Thursday, January 04, 2007


That's Community Bible Study, not the tv station.

Imagine meeting with 15 other people who came from a potential pool of 21 different churches than the one you attend, to discuss 1 Timothy 1 which begins to address the matter of "false doctrines," but with one catch: no church names can be mentioned out loud, and you don't know which person comes from what background.


Sounds like a dream, doesn't it? Well this morning it was reality for me.


We spent a good 15 minutes of that hour just discussing my absolute favorite pet-topic, grace vs. law.

Now, I've been going to this study for a couple months or more and I think I have spoken out loud like, three times in many more sessions. The reason is that all of them with the exception of one, happens to be either two or thee times my age, and, they are so much more articulate and wise than I am.

I heard two of the most common attitudes about the law, that it just means the ten commandments, and, that the law helps us to get saved. I then decided to quote from memory a couple of verses and then said that I thought it was opposed to both salvation and sanctification, and backed it up with a couple more. I started to breathe hard because I was so invigorated. Dear me.

Gosh, I'm such an idiot. I absolutely must get over myself. But... I could tell I had a few of them provoked to think differently.

The problem is that I am still way, way too excited to discuss this stuff with others. Three of them said to me afterwards, "It's really neat what you said; I can tell that you know your scriptures really well." I denied that I knew them all that much and then confessed the truth of the matter: "Because I did study for awhile in isolation, I just love the thought of sharing in the midst of a variety of people to know that I am reading my bible the same way everyone else is. I kinda need that verification." It was enough at the minimum to get out of the compliment mode, which makes me uncomfortable. I know if they knew what I knew about myself they wouldn't see me as fit for the compliment.

Regarding the next time we meet, if I can just calm my little self down in some way that will work, I might get away with nobody discovering how much I really am an idiot. Then I would have a lot more fun on an already fun day.

CBS is perfect where BSF was almost so. BSF is exactly the same format and rules as CBS is; interdenominational bible study. The only difference is, they won't watch babies, so, I switched, about three months ago. I wrote a smallish treatise against this policy which I shared on my myspace blog because, yes, it is way way too long for most people to endure. I put the junkiest stuff over there.

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