What's Wrong?

It's a postpartum (during a pre-partum state) which is a direct result of the former miscarriage. Anyone familiar enough with those terms and able to form a series of understandings from them, I'm hoping will be sympathetic.

There it is.

The bothersome thing is that I violate my own conscience. I devoted so much of my self to the pro-life point of view, and created such a beautiful and high moral standard, so, how can I deal with such a loss of my own interest to follow through? I truly love the things that I learned, and I still do! It just goes to show how the nurture part in my heart really has won me. I found the nurturing point of view so true, and so superior. I even shared my heart and mind on that topic, to everyone around me. They all know now what I hold the world to.

But I'm not interested in what I ought to be. All I can think about, is anything else. I rarely make myself behold a panoramic view of where I should be and where I have taken to. To do that feels like a knife twisting and turning inside, and I would just start crying with no release until I force myself to forget the matter. I'm just in a constant state of running away, and, it's not getting any better. I keep waiting for things to kick in 'naturally' and there's no progress. It's becoming more of a concern.

This is the troubled state I have been in since last January. Combining it with my untimely release from dogmatic feelings for Christianity has made it all the more a mess. It's been so difficult to find anything to anchor me.

For the first half I just couldn't face God at all. Now I know better at least to go when I have the strength. Still, I cannot believe myself. I haven't given up hope. I keep waiting for God to change me. I don't know how to help myself. I am beginning to wonder if someone else has to help me. I put in a note on Sunday for some kind of help from the church staff. Bonnie is supposed to call me today.