Children of Comfort

This blog post starts a new post emphasis (label) titled, "Mother Jerusalem's Advice."

What am I replicating in this life -- for all replicate!  Everybody is bearing fruit, but only some fruit lasts to eternity.  What I make of my life will be counted as "children" before God.

Children = good works, the Holy Spirit manifested through me, people accepting the gospel, disciples, eternal life, godly fruit, being clothed properly for Jesus at His coming.

"I want the women adorned with good works..." 1 Tim. 2:10

According to Isaiah 51:18-19, in the next life, "children" are the ones who comfort believers:

Stand up, O Jerusalem...
There is no one to guide her
Among all the sons she has brought forth;
Nor is there any who takes her by the hand
Among all the sons she has brought up.
These two things have come to you;
Desolation and destruction,
famine and sword --
By whom shall I comfort you?
Your sons have fainted,
They lie at the head of all the streets
Like an antelope in the net;
They are full of the fury of the LORD,
The rebuke of your God. 

According to the New Testament, the Holy Spirit (John 16:6-7) is the one who comforts believers:

But because I have said these things unto you, sorrow hath filled your heart. Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.

We need offspring, we need a child for the next life whom God will be pleased with, Isaiah 52:1,

Awake, awake!  Put on your strength, O Zion;
Put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city!
For the uncircumcised and the unclean
Shall no longer come to you. 

God gave such an offspring!  Isaiah 9:6,

For unto us a child is born,
Unto us a Son is given

Any person who has believed in Jesus for eternal life has a certificate of having adopted a child.  Jesus has been adopted as our Son, though, His true monogenes (pedigree) is that He is the Father's Son.  Why did the Father give us His Son to be our son?  Because there would be no hope for us to bear godly offspring and make disciples of all nations without this gracious gift.  Inside the Jewish nation He was hidden as the lone eternally fruitful legacy of humanity.  Isaiah 49:1-2,

The LORD has called Me from the womb;
From the matrix of My mother He
has made mention of My name.
And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword;
In the shadow of His hand He has hidden Me,
And made Me a polished shaft;
In His quiver He has hidden Me. 

But when He hid Jesus as the son of Israel within the Jewish Nation, God also hid Jesus as a child for all the world. Isaiah 49:5-6,

And now the Lord says,
Who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant,
To bring Jacob back to Him,
So that Israel is gathered to Him
(For I shall be glorious in the eyes of the Lord,
And My God shall be My strength),
Indeed He says,
‘It is too small a thing that You should be My Servant
To raise up the tribes of Jacob,
And to restore the preserved ones of Israel;
I will also give You as a light to the Gentiles,
That You should be My salvation to the ends of the earth.’”

Every "offspring," every "child," every practice and manifestation in our lifestyle that bears out in our community to take people away from faith in God will be destroyed before God's face.  As He turned to destroy earthly Jerusalem, so He may destroy us.  God will not be mocked, we will reap what we sow.  Isaiah 63:10,

But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit;
So He turned Himself against them as an enemy,
And He fought against them.

Our lives are either manifesting this Son or else our deceptive idols of gaining peace with God.  1 John 4:17,

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.

And how was Jesus in the world?  John 4 shows us that Jesus was busy making disciples of God wherever He was accepted.  He equated His own work at evangelism and disciplemaking (evangediscipleship) so critically as whether or not He would have access to food and water stored up in the next life.  John 4:4,

But He needed to go through Samaria.

When has God ever needed ANYTHING...?  John 4:7,

A woman of Samaria came to draw water.  Jesus said to her, 'Give me a drink.'

Jesus plays as much by Kingdom rules as we must.  He was both thirsty and hungry.  He needed to make babies.  He knew this woman would make babies with Him.  Her word of His gospel made the city believe.  A whole city of believers were born.  He taught the 12 how to prepare for the next life, by storing up food NOW.  John 4:34, 36,

Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work.  ...  And he who reaps receives wages, and gathers fruit for eternal life...'.

Her children rise up and call her blessed....
Give her the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
Prov 31:28, 30-31

There will be desolation and famine for all who have not birthed with Christ a team of fellow Christ-followers from among the nations.  They will eat in the next life, but they will have to find food from those who have it.  Jesus equates "evangediscipleship" throughout the Old and New Testaments as essential to survival that He calls it:

Food.

Water.

Clothing.

(No wonder Jesus relates to the least of these!)

I believe that evangediscipleship is the oil in the lamps of the virgins.  I believe that evangediscipleship will be the measure for our personal bodily resurrection described in Romans 8 and Philippians 3.  I believe it is the purpose for Abraham's family.  And more.  There are so many theologies to unpack from the Bible.  And I don't have the mind for it so much these days, even though I think about these every day.  I just want to paint this quick picture for those reading here.  Isaiah 62:5,

For as a young man marries a virgin,
So shall your sons marry you;
And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
So shall your God rejoice over you.

I know the most important thing I can do after attending to my own inner persevering faith in God is to create disciples.  To me, it is exciting to know that the sojourners I choose to bind as a community, as a team, as my Body, my church in this life are the people I will be in network with for all eternity.  Is. 49:18,

'As I live,' says the LORD,
'You shall surely clothe yourselves
with them all as an ornament,
And bind them on you as a bride does.'

If you want to make babies, God has given you His Spirit through which you can exponentially redeem the lives of so many.  It won't look as tangibly productive as literal childbearing or adoption.  It won't feel like this awesome thing that is "done" like holding a baby in your hands and giving him your last name.  You may never see or physically hold or call them your own, but God will cause them to come running back to you in the end.  Isaiah 49:20-23,

The children you will have,
After you have lost the others,
Will say again in your ears,
'The place is too small for me,
Give me a place where I may dwell.'
Then you will say in your heart,
'Who has begotten these for me,
Since I have lost my children and am desolate,
A captive, and wandering to and fro?
And who has brought these up?
There I was, left alone; But these, where were they?'
Thus says the Lord GOD:
'Behold, I will lift My hand in an oath to the nations,
And set up My standard for the peoples;
They shall bring your sons in their arms,
And their queens your nursing mothers;
Then you will know that I am the LORD,
For they shall not be ashamed who wait for Me.'

The Dispatching and Disbanding of Deborah

The Unusual Champion of God's Order

Deborah and Jael in Judges chapters 4-5 are two women in scripture who represent one unique case of women at the helm. At first glance they appear to flip God's heirarchy for gender. A second look casts doubt an inversion ever took place.

The more I study Deborah and Jael, the more I marvel how they take up what should belong to a man. There aren't many other biblical accounts of women leading. How did Deborah pull this off, if Paul in all the churches everywhere does not permit a woman to rule over a man?

There looks to be a language difference in God's Word concerning the other judges that ministered to Israel in the historical account in the Book of Judges. With men leaders God "raised up for them a deliverer," but for Deborah's introduction it says "Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time."


Was Deborah a twisted fraud from the truly ordained? Or could it be that God gave her this role in Israel? In her day the people rarely saw honorable and courageous commanders. Though there were a portion of the tribes of Israel and also Barak who showed themselves both convicted and capable of accomplishing God's plan against Sisera, the fact is that they had not seized by faith what God had told them, and twenty years of oppression racked up. It was a woman who had vision of performing God's will. When Barak comes to see Deborah at her request, she prods by asking him a question about God's command. She says in Judges 4:6,

"Has not the LORD God of Israel commanded, 'Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor; take with you ten thousand men of the sons of Naphtali and of the sons of Zebulun; and against you I will deploy Sisera, the commander of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude at the River Kishon; and I will deliver him into your hand'?"

Satan asked the question "Has God indeed said...?" (Gen. 3:1) to subvert God's purposes. Deborah quoted God in the form of a question out of respect for the authority of men. She was imploring this man essentially - "Declare God over me!" No need to say more; Barak is convicted and conditionally commits to obedience to the LORD (not to her). His condition is that Deborah accompany him to battle. This is faith, but it is not mature. It is faith by which God responds to win the battle, sure. But it is not the full faith required for Barak to gain any personal glory through undertaking God's will. Barak did what he was told. He made no individual contribution to the pool of faith Deborah had seeded. He took none of Deborah's work-load for redemption away from her but made her carry it further. Barak could have graduated from her house of provision if he would understand this one thing: he did not need anyone but God alone to succeed. Unfortunately, the only persons in this account who seem to securely trust in God are the two women.

The unspoken expectation God had for Barak was that he make the battle his own. By doing so he would assume leadership over Deborah. The superficial inversion continued; not by Deborah's choice, but by Barak's. Deborah doesn't rebuke him. In fact she honors his choice and obeys it. It was sufficient for the plan to be actualized, but God gave a consequence. Deborah foretells it before it transpires, Judges 4:9

So she said, “I will surely go with you; nevertheless there will be no glory for you in the journey you are taking, for the LORD will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.”

Barak calls his ten thousand men, and Deborah "went up with him" (judges 4:10); she is still following the lead of the man. Yet by emotion or by reputation she appears to be a rallying point for the people. Judges 5:15 says,

And the princes of Issachar were with Deborah;
As Issachar, so was Barak...

Deborah's job wasn't finished. It wouldn't be complete until Barak personalized this war, fighting for his own life. Deborah surveys the movement of Sisera by faith and knows the time has come. Again she prods Barak to take the initiative. Judges 4:13-14,

So Sisera gathered together all his chariots, nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people who were with him, from Harosheth Hagoyim to the River Kishon. Then Deborah said to Barak, “Up! For this is the day in which the LORD has delivered Sisera into your hand. Has not the LORD gone out before you?”

Later Barak and Deborah sing a song together as one in part against their countrymen who did not fight for Deborah, Barak, and most importantly for God. Meroz is an unknown place which the Angel of the LORD curses for not heeding the call. Judges 5:15-17, 23

Among the divisions of Reuben
There were great resolves of heart.

Why did you sit among the sheepfolds,
To hear the pipings for the flocks?
The divisions of Reuben have great searchings of heart.

Gilead stayed beyond the Jordan,
And why did Dan remain on ships?
Asher continued at the seashore,
And stayed by his inlets....
‘Curse Meroz,’ said the angel of the LORD,
‘Curse its inhabitants bitterly,
Because they did not come to the help of the LORD,
To the help of the LORD against the mighty.’

"Resolves" "in the heart" in the Hebrew can also be translated as "thoughts" "in the inward man." These men had the double-minded faith described in James 2, the kind that does not profit anyone, the kind that does not save. They stayed by the inlets and bleating sheep where things were pleasant and safe; meanwhile Barak's recruiters, his close comrades in Zebulun and Naphtali went forth inciting God's people for the taste of blood.

Deborah was the one who had forecasted the problem and its solution. She had kept the revelations of the scriptures in her heart and they gave her instruction. She had known the milestones from start to finish. She had seen her countrymen as they were in Judges 5:8

Then there was war at the gates;
Not a shield or spear was seen among forty thousand in Israel.

...And she sees how God is quickly restoring faith for the entire nation in 5:11,

Far from the noise of the archers, among the watering places,
There they shall recount the righteous acts of the LORD,
The righteous acts for His villagers in Israel;
Then the people of the LORD shall go down to the gates.

By no means was Deborah in control. Instead, she was a full-faithed follower of God's powerful Holy Spirit. She was well-versed in making way in her heart for God's authority. She used her ministry to raise men back into their rightful and righteous role. She was a champion for God's authority being taken up by righteous men. The prophetess was not without a reverence for men and their position even if they had temporarily lost interest. Deborah was married, and so was Jael. In their hearts, these two women did not let the complacency of men corrupt and exalt them improperly.

Deborah Raises Barak Up; Jael Takes Sisera Down

Deborah and Jael are a fascinating picture of the Father-Son relationship in the Godhead.  Deborah is Strategist.  Jael, Executioner. In what circumstance might God dispatch women to take initiative amongst His covenant people? Jael would tell you, the days were desperate. Judg. 5:6,

In the days of Shamgar, son of Anath,
In the days of Jael,
The highways were deserted,
And the travelers walked along the byways.
Village life ceased, it ceased in Israel...

Common villagers could not walk on the roads. Apparently there was no way to enforce the law. Rulership was impotent. It was every man for himself. Anything of value was at risk of being seized, and perhaps people were afraid for their lives. This - was Israel. Jael learned a whole lot in those years of sneaking along unseen by intimidating enemies. God gave her wits every day, with her very life dependent on Him. These are the circumstances Deborah calls "the days of Jael" (Judges 5:6).

Jael would have been content to stay out of the fight, but the fight came to her long before Sisera fled to her place. Brokenness had already touched her house.  Though the people could not carry on their business, the rulership did. Deborah refused to stay quiet about it. She says in Judg. 5:10

Speak, you who ride on white donkeys,
Who sit in judges’ attire,
And who walk along the road.

Apparently wearing only the outward attire of a judge of Israel wasn't satisfying for her, or God for that matter. Somehow they have easy usage of the roads while the rest of the people suffer.  It would do Jael little good to imagine a remedy for her own dead lifestyle without broadening the scope to the sin-problem of the community. Therefore she turned to God and found forgiveness, hope and purpose in His promises. And the vitality of her life was now intertwined forever in the vitality of her kinsmen. She was a woman intimately intertwined in body-life.

Her story begins in Judges 4:11 with the cataclysmic news that her husband had left her. Indeed, he had left his whole community known as the Kenites; children of the father-in-law of Moses. These people recently inherited the story of God's deliverance in Egypt and were proud to believe alongside the Israelites. But not her husband Heber. He stepped out to embrace Israel's enemies. He had established peace with the King of the Canaanites. Heber's sin covered her home and she may have been ostracized as a consequence. Severing his ties, he took his tent and pitched it far away from Jael... just in her moment of need as the enemy approached her.

Jael knew Sisera. He had been a guest in her home. Sisera knew the way to Heber his ally and was heading her direction. She knew the odds for success against the Canaanites had always been impossible. It was quite the boast; his opposing army had 900 iron chariots. And their general was no less intimidating on a personal level. But God had made her brave. Jael was cunning and not fully honest, shall we say. She promises him comfort, and deceives him. Judges 4:18,

And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said to him, “Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; do not fear.”

She sedated him with milk. She covered him with a blanket like a mother would. She uses her feminine strength to dominate him. How can God allow her to manipulate like this? Remember, she cannot fight as an equal. If she were out on the battlefield, a sobering "level playing field," she's toast. If all the army of Israel could not win in twenty years, how could she overcome, she, as a humiliated Kenite being the least of His followers? In God's sight, her composition was all the LORD needed. God does not need a level playing field.  The LORD prefers impossible odds.

When Jael takes up her weapon, it is the knowledge of the mightiness of God. She takes a hammer and a foundational stake of the tent - its peg - and drives it into his skull. Zechariah 10:3-5

My anger burns against the shepherds,
and I will punish the leaders;
for the LORD Almighty will care
for his flock, the people of Judah,
and make them like a proud horse in battle.
From Judah will come the cornerstone,
from him the tent peg,
from him the battle bow,
from him every ruler.
Together they will be like warriors in battle
trampling their enemy into the mud of the streets.
They will fight because the LORD is with them,
and they will put the enemy horsemen to shame.

Though Sisera was technically laying down when she conquered him in Judges 4, the song in Judges 5 has him looming when she struck him down (5:27). What a long way he fell. Sung symbolically it captures the absurdity of it apart from God's strength - that a woman by Him might overtake a mighty man.

A Full Glory

Deborah's Song is incredibly ancient; it is thought to perhaps be the oldest song recorded in scripture.  The battle took place in the valley of Megiddo, of which George Adam Smith wrote,

What a plain it is! Upon which not only the greatest empires, races, and faiths, east and west, have contended with each other, but each has come to judgment--on which from the first, with all its splendor of human battle, men have felt that there was fighting from heaven, the stars in their courses were fighting--on which panic has descended so mysteriously upon the best equipped and most successful armies, but the humble have been exalted to victory in the hour of their weakness--on which false faiths, equally with false defenders of the true faith, have been exposed and scattered--on which, from the time of Saul, willfulness and superstition, though aided by every human excellence, have come to naught, and since Josiah's time the purest piety has not atoned for rash and mistaken zeal [1].

Who fought alongside these two women as Deborah said, "Has not the LORD gone out before you?" Judges 5:20 acknowledges the stars....

They fought from the heavens; The stars from their courses fought against Sisera.

Who are the stars? Genesis 15:5 calls them Abraham's descendants....

Then He brought him outside and said, “Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.” And He said to him, “So shall your descendants be.”

The One descendant of Abraham was the Seed, Jesus Christ. And the saints are His Body. When He returns soon to fight in the Valley of Mediggo (Armageddon), His saints will be coming with Him sword in hand.

And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses.

Their glory differs from one another as do stars, it says in scripture. 1 Cor. 15:41-42,

There is one glory of the sun, another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for one star differs from another star in glory. So also is the resurrection of the dead.

God gives glory to men based on their pursuits, Rom. 1:10,

but glory, honor, and peace to everyone who works what is good, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

The location and scale of the battle could not have been larger. It was an intentional choreography by God to anticipate the final battle of Revelation, Col. 3:4,

When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

Has anyone noted how self-centerd Deborah's song really is? "I, even I," says Deborah. Is she arrogant?  Is she glorying in herself? It feels uncomfortable. But James 1:9 says, "Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation," therefore the song was Spirit-inspired - and not from the flesh. Her success over Sisera was full of glory, Judges 5:31,

Thus let all Your enemies perish, O LORD!
But let those who love Him be like the sun
When it comes out in full strength.

This last verse is a real treat. With the same exceptional vision of God, Deborah portrays Jesus Christ's conquering over Israel's enemies thousands of years into the future.

Just Once Upon a Time

Jael Smote Sisera and Slew Him by James Tissot
(notice the masculine shape of Jael's right arm)

The Virgin Mary sang a song when she had conceived Christ. Did you know Mary was singing about Jael? They are types of one another. Deborah is called the mother of Israel which is Mary also, Judges 5:7,

I, Deborah, arose, arose a mother in Israel

Jael is the most blessed among women in Judges 5:24,

Most blessed among women is Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite; Blessed is she among women in tents.

But... Mary is called the most blessed woman by Elizabeth her cousin; Luke 1:42,

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!

Glorious power over Satan seems to be given once-a-covenant, to women, in the dawning days of the faith. See now how Mary has Deborah's and Jael's battle in mind as a theology of her own life experiences.

 Luke 1:46-55,

My soul magnifies the Lord,
And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name.
And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy,
As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.

Mary must have been thinking of Sisera's mother ("The mother of Sisera... cried, 'why is [he]... so long in coming?'" Judges 5:28) when she says "the rich He has sent away empty." Mary gives glory to God's mighty arm, the Arm who was in Jael's arm as she lifted the hammer. God's arm has been awakened! (Rahab (below) represents a Canaanite mythological serpent who opposed God's acts of creation.)  Isaiah 51:9,

Awake, awake, put on strength,
O arm of the LORD! Awake as in the ancient days,
In the generations of old.
Are You not the arm that cut Rahab apart,
And wounded the serpent?

Judges 5:12,

Awake, awake, Deborah: awake, awake, utter a song: arise, Barak, and lead thy captivity captive, thou son of Abinoam.

The serpent has been wounded in the head through the bravery of Jael. This is to fulfill the prophecy given to Satan in Genesis 3:15.  Mary's child wounds the head,

And I will put enmity
Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her Seed;
He shall bruise your head,
And you shall bruise His heel.

When was the last time you looked at a Nativity scene and considered the meek and mild Mother of God as a victor, blood-splattered and joyful in God, looming over her kill to the magnificence of the LORD?

Epilogue: The Glory Passes

There is in fact no epilogue to the story of Deborah and Jael. However the Word of God can paint the picture. In truth she was from a humble state. God gave her access to His task - which was very short lived and very glorious. But there is no life in the glory of mankind - that was the harlot Babylon's passion. "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." After the victory, there was temptation in renown. It is funny how just a small step to the left or to the right can make such fantastic battles in the LORD turn into Satan's triumphs. She must relearn how she was still destitute - and it would come at the price of career suicide. Mary's exaltation in directing the young Savior was hers, yet she surrendered it fully when He was fully grown. She let it pass altogether to her Son. Abruptly we hardly hear of Jael, Deborah or Mary again. Mothering is a job that is only needed for a period of time. Righteous men had arose to do the work of the ministry, now. They were capable to lead in compliment and fulfillment of God's order.

When a righteous woman serves God in a influential way, there is no such thing as a time when she is not under the authority of men.

People often ask how they can subdue a strong woman. What influence makes her "do typical woman things" so to speak? It happens as men graduate from her reminders and treat her like a woman; a worthy treasure; a special possession to be protected. You see, the days of Jael were nothing of the kind. The children of Israel were not treasured by those ruling. Women wanted men to just go crack some skulls and get the job done. Even the LORD doesn't want women to be involved in it. Women want to be the beneficiary of the administration. In this way a woman is both silent and adoring - traditional.

"You made me this way," Adam essentially blamed Eve ("the woman you gave me"). In truth, responsibility lies with him unconditionally. But when a woman is regenerated and cleansed from Eve's sin, then she may turn his words back on him as she's wearing the pants - "You're making me this way."  Jael is remembered by God when righteousness is not to be found among men. Sisera and the men in judges' attire made Deborah and Jael for what they are known. But it is not too late; it is never too late, as Deborah showed Barak, to get up and take up what belongs to the man.

If a man treats a woman as if she were a fellow man, he is untuned and insensitive to her weak form. In his ignorance he expects that she carry the work. Do not be surprised if God not only treats her like a woman - with all His possessive love and behind-the-scenes wonders... but He also passes to her the favor that should have been, could have been, the man's glory.


[1]  Historical Geography of the Holy Land, pg. 409

To Participate

On Gender & Authority

Man

Men were chosen as image-bearers of our ultimate authority, YHWH.  Our Lord God would not have given man a job and then not empower him to also succeed.  Women are commanded to think on how their own confidence in this is a measure of their confidence in God Himself (1 Peter 3:5-6).  And it does not take too much investigation to confirm that men are in reality dutiful in ruling by means of sacrificing themselves because of the way God made them (Ephesians 5:23 "...He is the Savior of the body.").

Theirs is an authority established in the Word thousands of years ago and stands to today.  "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church" (Ephesians 5:23).  "...and gave [Christ] to be head over all things to the church, which is His body" (Ephesians 1:22-23).  "And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man...." (1 Timothy 2:12).  Conversation's over, women.  What can I say after these scriptures?  Many feminist-empathetic Evangelicals tweak the command so that women might steal some authority for themselves - and that is my tough but honest opinion.

God gave authority to men; in fact, the command regarding the tree of life was given to Adam before Eve was made.  Yet a man's role in representing God's authority is not a complete package.  "It is not good that man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18).

Woman

Here comes woman.  She has no authority of her own - nothing explicit; nothing institutionalized.  And she never will have the hope of authority over a man.  But she has a contribution to make, does she not?  She comes replete with image-bearing design, too; a "helper suitable" (NIV), a "helper comparable" (NKJV) to him. The common application of the woman's help & succour are to matters of homemaking, and that is fair, but Adam's ultimate purpose is to worship and glorify God.  Is it possible that a woman's help is just as engaged as the man's leadership in seeing God's will be done?  I wonder if Jesus came in to the flesh in a way like Eve's design.  Luke 20:1-8

One day as he was teaching the people in the temple courts and preaching the gospel, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, together with the elders, came up to him. "Tell us by what authority you are doing these things," they said. "Who gave you this authority?"
He replied, "I will also ask you a question. Tell me, John's baptism—was it from heaven, or from men?"

They discussed it among themselves and said, "If we say, 'From heaven,' he will ask, 'Why didn't you believe him?' But if we say, 'From men,' all the people will stone us, because they are persuaded that John was a prophet."

So they answered, "We don't know where it was from."

Jesus said, "Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things."

He was an iconoclast, and they felt threatened.  His mission was not to subvert but to fulfill; Matthew 5:17-18

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.  I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.

Just prior to His death Jesus promised to send believers "the helper," the Holy Spirit.  The establishment had not accomplished the Spirit of the law; Jeremiah 31:33-34

This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
after that time," declares the LORD.
"I will put my law in their minds
and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.

No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,'
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest,"
declares the LORD.

"For if that first covenant had been faultless, then no place would have been sought for a second" (Hebrews 8:7).  Christ is the wisdom of God (1 Corinthians 1:24, 1:30).  Wisdom is curiously also personified as female in the Old Testament.  She raises her voice to commend God's will toward those who already grip dominion, Proverbs 8:1-8

Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?
She takes her stand on the top of the high hill,
Beside the way, where the paths meet.
She cries out by the gates, at the entry of the city,
At the entrance of the doors:
"To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
O you simple ones, understand prudence,
And you fools, be of an understanding heart.
Listen, for I will speak of excellent things,
And from the opening of my lips will come right things..."

The man and the woman both are image-bearers of God.  The man is so in rulership, self-sacrifice, leadership and provision.  And the woman is so in supplying wisdom without which none could sustain life.  But depravity distorts the image.  In depravity, he forsakes his own responsibility and she no longer stands for truth but instead for a lie.

Depraved Adam

Like Adam in his depravity, any human not accustomed to wisdom find her voice unsettling.  Forget that it was Adam who should have first coined the essence of the popular t-shirt slogan, "I'm with Stupid" (Proverbs 9:13) by passing the buck saying "The woman you gave me," when God questioned Adam whether Adam had obeyed.  He betrays redemption for himself or those he will influence.  He makes life toilsome and unpleasant (Genesis 3:17-18) for everyone around him.  I pity his predicament.  Put any human in the same shoes, and any one might be just as tempted to point out the negative contributions others have made before admitting one's own failure.  A responsibility to influence or protect others is a burden.

Depraved Eve

Adam was right - Eve was devoid of understanding.  A woman in depravity is just as destructive to redemption because it turns the heart of a man to passion, though toward idols in the stead of God.  Her punishment is intense suffering in trying to cast the seed of the Spirit in the world (Genesis 3:16), and the whining and moaning comes in accordance with such.  In the Book of Proverbs there is the Woman Wisdom and there is another woman also called wisdom, who calls out with the same exact enticement, but the partakers of the false lady discover she provides no righteousness... only bondage and death.  Proverbs 9:1-6 depicts the true woman Wisdom...

Wisdom has built her house,
She has hewn out her seven pillars;
She has slaughtered her meat,
She has mixed her wine,
She has also furnished her table.
She has sent out her maidens,
She cries out from the highest places of the city,
“Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!”
As for him who lacks understanding, she says to him,
“Come, eat of my bread
And drink of the wine I have mixed.
Forsake foolishness and live,
And go in the way of understanding.

and 9:13-18 describes the false woman called wisdom,

A foolish woman is clamorous;
She is simple, and knows nothing.
For she sits at the door of her house,
On a seat by the highest places of the city,
To call to those who pass by,
Who go straight on their way:
“Whoever is simple, let him turn in here”;
And as for him who lacks understanding, she says to him,
“Stolen water is sweet,
And bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
But he does not know that the dead are there,
That her guests are in the depths of hell.

"Stolen water is sweet" - in the event the enticing call of "wisdom" is resounding noisily, and one cannot tell if she's real or fake, one might ask this discerning question: Does she tell them that they will find abundant life through tweaking His command so they may steal from what is off limits?  True Wisdom leads one to life without a violating sin of omission (1 Timothy 1:5, 8; Romans 14:23).


Conflict

Conflict may be characteristically female and male.  It's bigger than just our relationship.  It's really about those who hold righteousness ipso facto and those who must carve it out and establish their own provision of righteousness and life through reform and revolution.  God creates position to enforce peace and order in society.  "For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God" (romans 13:1).  But He also chooses people outside of establishment, too.  "...God has chosen... the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence" (1 Corinthians 1:28-29).

God has designed many facets of our world where wisdom is, for example, cyclical or generational in nature.  What constituted a redeeming policy yesterday may not tomorrow.  Therefore, asking the question "what needs to be restored about this fallen world today?" and investigating its answer is a never-ending process that one either abides in or does not.  Consider the following (below) aspects of the world where the male-female tension is exhibited.  There is the one who has been given the position to accomplish God's purposes - and is doing it more or less successfully as God has equipped (caveat--God executes it perfectly).  And, there are those who are being served by the one of position; hopefully, the one in position becomes conscious of repeated requests of permissions to participate.  Like the Man toward the Woman, consider...

• The Mentor toward the Mentee
• The Parent toward the Child
• The Pharisees toward Jesus
• The Church toward the Lost
• The Believer feeling the conviction of the Spirit
• Jesus toward His Church
• The Entertainer toward his Audience
• The Business owner toward the Customer
• The Government toward its Citizens
• Father God toward the World

Agnostic, religious, or whatever: are God's image-bearers inviting a relationship with Wisdom?  Do they have a rapport with her; are they dependent upon her?  This son of Adam (Adam Lambert) sings, "What do you Want from Me" and intuitively agrees that this woman isn't operating out of depravity; he knows she holds truth.  Adam feels his own depravity.  One solution is to pass the buck.  The other solution has been calling out his name, assuring him that those who love wisdom love their own life.

If you are wise, you are wise for yourself,
And if you scoff, you will bear it alone.

Biblical Feminism

I have never put these two words together, yet, in my life:

Biblical

&

Feminism

I really struggle to understand my own convictions of scripture on the role women can play in the church! This is my first attempt at describing just a small part of this vast, complicated and very controversial topic.

Let me go on from the vein of the statement I made in my last post, arising from 1 Peter 3 (vs. 1-6, which says:)

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

In that previous post I wrote/said,

My interest is both a little more and a little less than 'teaching.' Where I feel myself to be is in 1 Peter 3, when it talks about how a wife lives before her husband. It says that if he does not obey the Word, she can live in such a way as to cause remembrance and evoke the deep meaning of Christ's principles, without words. The definition of the word 'chaste' from 1 Peter 3's 'chaste deportment' means 'to inspire reverence.' She knows that God is sovereignly conducting a grand display of Himself, and she is excited to be a small instrument in His hands. I fully expect, by faith, by my knowledge of how God uses His grace, by my understanding from the Word how God is totally and always engaged in redeeming through the simple and common stuffs of life, to be used in powerful ways in the every day, every day. God always gives these perfect 'coincidences.' I don't have to conjure or dream. He is just amazing, and He gives me material all the time to help put on display, or add richness to His expressed will as the Word of God reveals.

Let me stop right here and confess I do not believe that I have attained this! Firstly I do not always walk in faith, of course. Secondly, I do not have the gentle and quiet spirit that God says is so very precious in His heart. I do want to try and understand what I am reading, and I certainly at least want to understand what it is that God wants me to do as I live everyday.

I am aware that the LORD does not want the words of scripture to be only said aloud as if cold and lifeless and dead, but fully alive and vibrant and three-dimensional. He wants to use people like you and I to make His Word pop. Three years ago I wrote a blog post from a Sunday school lesson on 2 Peter 1:3-9

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

The name of that blog entry, was Add.

It may be my all-time favorite Sunday school lesson. The smallest word in this entire passage? That small word was the one that my pastor zeroed - in - on: "Add." He said that the word "add" in the Greek is the same root used in the word "choreography." Ha. That fully resonated with me. Living for Christ is very similar to dance. A dancer's job is to translate and punctuate the tone of the instruments and the meaning of the words so that the audience is (entertained) and drawn to meditation. As I look to Christ and His power I too can "put on" or "dance" or be a vessel of orchestration by God, for a life that says who Christ IS - so that I "will be kept from being ineffective and unproductive in my knowledge (2 Pet 1:8)" of the Word of God.

What kind of earthly teacher is the one who taught the students best? Is it the one who left the principles of the course dead and cold or learned ways to make them alive? Is it the one who told you the answer, and made the judgment in the first moments of communication, or, is it the one who waited to bring others along to get them to dwell in the material?

So who is truly leading who in 1 peter 3; the husband or the wife? I find it very interesting the calling God has given to wives. Did He call them to audibly declare the Word of God as an authority? No. But He seemingly has not removed her opportunity to "teach" - has He?? I have to deeply wonder. He has given us women the most profound and most effective avenue by which to "preach" "teach" "correct" "rebuke" which is all the things the Word of God does as a believer is supposed to employ those scriptures: "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..." 2 Tim 3:16

Even reading this, I don't feel like "teaching" is the point. Teaching is not the goal to which one should aspire. Fruit, is the goal, in context. Bearing fruit by the power of the Spirit, to me, is very much a choreography, to which the lost and carnal are eventually drawn to love Jesus Christ. People are like leaches when they see how free His grace is. There is no lack in abundance of opportunities to minister. The model given to women in the context of marriage, is the model in which I want to serve Christ in the church as a general focal point.

Well, this may be the end of "Biblical" "Feminism," for awhile. Perhaps in a few years I'll gain further clarity on this topic. As a celebration of this post, I'll leave a link to my favorite movie, whose themes are teaching, living, and fruit bearing... "The Dead Poets Society." I saw this movie when I was a teen. It was a tremendous instrument in the hands of God to quicken my heart to believe in Christ for salvation.

The Dead Poets Society

"You need a miracle"

I do. I think every person needs a miracle, do you agree?

I recently got to visit with Dr. R. He asked me "You are interested in teaching. Is that not true?"

I said, "It's both a little more and a little less than 'teaching.' Where I feel myself to be is in 1 Peter 3, when it talks about how a wife lives before her husband. It says that if he does not obey the Word, she can live in such a way as to cause remembrance and evoke the deep meaning of Christ's principles, without words. The definition of the word 'chaste' from 1 Peter 3's 'chaste deportment' means 'to inspire reverence.' She knows that God is sovereignly conducting a grand display of Himself, and she is excited to be a small instrument in His hands. I fully expect, by faith, by my knowledge of how God uses His grace, by my understanding from the Word how God is totally and always engaged in redeeming through the simple and common stuffs of life, to be used in powerful ways in the every day, every day. God always gives these perfect 'coincidences.' I don't have to conjure or dream. He is just amazing, and He gives me material all the time to help put on display, or add richness, to His expressed will as the Word of God reveals."

As I explained how I wanted to serve the Church in the same manner as a wife to a husband, Dr. R.'s mind began to pique. He asked me if I knew who Bruce Wilkinson is, the author of "The Prayer of Jabez." He has begun reading another new book by Wilkinson. It is called "You Were Born for This" (below). This book is about every day things and service to God with full anticipation to be used in a way that evokes others' subjection to Christ through our day-to-day availability to Christ.

Wilkinson's text is all about us delivering miracles to others. However I can't help but acknowledge, having finished this book, that participation with Christ in delivering miracles opens my eyes to how much God uses other believers so that I receive miracles myself.

I want to begin a small series of excerpts from Wilkinson's book, and they will be tagged with the essence of his subject matter: "everyday miracles."

Pit in the Stomach

Today I get the most awful feeling.

I review in my thoughts all the rock-on lectures of the conference, upon the topic of being driven by grace. I got affirmations for my goals, but wait; Charlie Bing's plea to "stop!" rings constantly in my mind. Did I really think that that couldn't mean me too? Well yeah.... What universe am I in? Ohh. I recollect the subtle cues of body language and non-speech from the ones who listened to my passionate pleas. I realize now I didn't tell them anything they already didn't know. It wasn't like I thought. What a fool I've been.

And you know there's always this extra dose of judgment you take as a woman. No matter what it's going to be my fault if some guy accosts me. I was on two occasions by unbelievers on Monday, and bothered by many others. Makes me so not pleased to try and be present and use my mind or heart at all. (This is one of the reasons why I like the internet.)

But mostly after getting confirmation that I know grace, I somehow notice that I didn't practice it anywhere like I think I might have.





Today, I get the most awful feeling.

I hope it never leaves me.

"The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." Ecc 7:4

Hmm

Hmm.... Let's see:

1 -- kick-butt to corruption, CHECK!
2 -- believes in the right to life of unborn disabled, CHECK!
3 -- can use the word "advocate" and "maverick" in a single speech, CHECK!
4 -- does it all with a babe on the hip, CHECK!
5 -- trendy in designer eyewear, CHECK!

Yeh! I could learn to like this....

Men

They make me nervous!

Until I can get to trusting one, I can't be okay in their presence. Today I was so ancy about it while at church that I was almost talking angry. I just wanted to get the heck out of there. I guess I do that a lot. You've heard of shivers; I'm getting them right now while I type this. I just can't stand the thought that they're looking at me while having a conversation.

I mean, I know I'm a human being, so that's probably what makes interaction with them perfectly normal. I just think that they're all bad, you know? Like, they might be perfectly harmless in what comes out of their mouth, but, underneath there's something which I'd be scared or disgusted by.

I have three brother-in-laws and two of them are Christian, so after all this time I am well adjusted to being somewhat near normal around them. The other non-Christian one I spend a lot more time around, and I happily report that it's been reduced to only the nervousness now.

Have you ever seen someone who talks loudly and adamantly and goes on and on and doesn't really seem to be listening? That's me, around the opposite gender. It's like a pain-soothing technique I utilize so that the conversation will end as quickly as possible. I consistently imagine myself breaking social etiquette and running away right in the middle of whatever I'm blabbing on and on about.

I'm weird.

Feminist

Yes, I am one; though I am meaning neither the cultural norm or even a rejection in part or whole of it. I am talking about the focus for knowing and being that which is feminine. Of course every woman cares about being feminine in basic matters. But as for me, it is what I spend a lot of time honing toward perfection both ideally and practically.

Femininity drives nearly everything I do. Well, not nearly, Christianity both diverts and focuses my passion for feminism. Where Christianity becomes gender-irrelevant so I follow suit, but there is much to meditate upon in the scriptures so to enhance it.

I love every issue pertaining to femininity. Social graces, artistic expression, communication, relational nuance and avoidance, body language, dress, child raising, respecting my husband, cooking, cleaning, being learned, and more.

I have said before that I have loads of self-confidence. I know me, and I believe in me. I know exactly what I ought to be, as a woman, and yes there are weak-points, and I know what they are. I'm not trying to be the "perfect woman." That means, I don't hold all these categories with equal importance. For instance many times people come over to my house and... it's messy, and I regret it. I feel shame for the state it's in, but I'm not afraid of shame and I won't shame drive me. I let my natural positive passions drive me to be better.

Though I don't expect myself to be perfect, I admit I am a perfectionist. I can't let the drive go. Zeal for most things in life, is strong, and after being "a grown-up" woman now for about a decade, sometimes I am surprised to see all that I have dabbled in with mostly sucesses to show for it. I'm either lucky or else extremely conscious and devoted.

I have anticipated that as I grow older the way I magnify each of these realms of feminine expression should change to fit my season in life. Maybe I'll even see the need one day to not concern myself with the matters of being an excellent woman, who knows?

More and more persuing feminism is a solitary, unrecognized effort. The world seems to be changing, and it is becoming less aware of the natural reality or even the need to distinguish gender. While I find that sad, maybe a little upsetting even, my goal isn't swerved.

Okay let's talk about it

Last spring I conceived a blog entry on this matter but decided against it for the self-centered feel of it. However, my inner narrator kept a good record for me....

My sister invited me to join her for a 'fun-filled three hour trip' to the bowling alley. She's in a league. This was after a previous trip where some nineteen year old was... flirting with me? I don't know. Ask Monica what was going on there. I thought I'd never go back. I took note of the chance for free babysitting, so, I went again, after finding out that there wasn't going to be the same guy there.

Every time I made a trip from that one area where people bowl to concessions I passed a place where there were billiards, and there were several Mexican-American men playing and they had big smiles on their faces. It's like I was their long lost friend by their body language. I'm not interested in the attention so I just kinda looked... at the wall and stuff. Every time I passed, even with my sister next to me, Monica says they were looking at me and not her. With huge smiles.

This a cultural thing, correct? I know that they are more outgoing with their appraisals, as a generalization. Someone once infomed me about it when they saw me in my confusion. This latest experience added to a pattern Monica and others and I have observed, where, when I am with my caucasian friends, there are Mexican men directing a whole bunch of obvious attention to me. I remember the landscaper guy when I was 14 (we rented), staring in the windows at me EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I hated him, he gave me the creeps. I remember Sears was under reconstruction and I was wearing a blouse and slacks and there they were on the two-story roof, making a lot of commotion. I thought someone was in danger. It took me a couple minutes after having looking around and walking inside to think that it was about me. Huh? Theory verified when I exited.

What's the big deal? Do I LOOK Mexican? ?? ?? I can't explain it otherwise, but I don't think I do!



I mean, come on. Well, that might be... umm, is that maybe a Latina hairstyle? Alright (sigh), hair down.



Yeah -- I know. Where is this coming from? Don't you think so? I don't get it. After I gave birth the first time I became hypothyroid, and so since then I have this brown coloring around the lids of my eyes that looks like I put on eye shadow. It's always there. Kinda handy. But does it make some difference?









Unlikely; I started out fair.










Yeah; but... okay, I lived in Utah and I get really dark quick in the sun.

This one below just makes me look ethnic, maybe; even without a tan.



But in the same time frame you can see in the next photo that my skin appears more rosy and pale than this one here.


So, what am I? Well I've got a grandma who is wholly German, and the other three grandparents are at least 25% German, so that makes me about 70% German with the remainder being English, Dutch and I think Scottish, in that order. Hmm; so, if I'm mostly German, does that mean, I'm mostly stubborn and dominating? (tee hee)

Ever since I got uncomfortable that last time, whenever I feel a Latino male eye possibly upon me, I close my eyes and hear my first-person narrator speak on my behalf "Gggeeeerrrrrrrrrmmmaaaaannnnnn. See that square jaw? Hmm? Say it with me; Gerrmannn...."

This hasn't been very politically correct and I'm sorry for the attitude at their expense, because that's not very Christian. On the other hand I'm just trying to say how I feel about it as a woman.

Here is a poor pic of me and a German exchange student friend when I was 21.... I notice that she has the square jaw, the high cheek bones, the prominent chin. We must be long lost sisters. I'll have to tell her next time I see her. Ha ha.



There... discussed.

Talk Like a Man!

I try to not let my gender get in the way of what I want to communicate. I don't know what's going on there, but, when I am successful at concealing that I am a woman, somehow I think I've noticed there is more thinking going on for others. Maybe a lot of people are attracted to the internet for that reason; it's just thoughts, and personality and identity can be completely irrelevant. That is exactly the kind of atmosphere to best share one's thoughts about the gospel. In the case that it is my age or appearance I didn't have any plans to share my picture on the internet, and didn't for a couple years. When it did surface my husband chose a fine example of my unphotogenic-ness. That was fine with me, too, for a long time.

My dad trained me from twelve years old, on, how to think critically. He never treated me like there was anything about me that could keep me from being successful at challenging others intellectually, and so I don't either.

Recently I joined the bible.org forum and after a few days of articulating my point of view, I was told, "Be careful not to fall into a pit, my brother." Aside from the warning, I was pleased. This isn't the first time that I've entered into discussions and been called a "he." Aside from not linking up my profile to a photo and not specifying that I am a woman, there is one more technique I have learned from my discussions with my father, and on through life, to help me remain anonymous. I've been paying attention to learn how to talk like a man. Here are a few pointers that I try to follow:

--Never, ever use the word "feel" when describing what you believe. It's a dead giveaway that you're a woman. A man will never, ever use this word. Not even in casual conversation. They use instead something like "my thought for here, for this," or "in my opinion, in my experience." My dad always told me, "emotions are absolutely irrelevant." He is absolutely right.

--Be brief. I mean, go back through your entry two or three times and cut out as many details as you possibly can. Most men have an intelligence that allows them to say quickly and direcly what it is they've got going on in their minds. They don't make use of introductory or summarizing paragraphs; that's a convention no doubt started by a woman to be sensitive to their audience. Men take years to figure out that it matters to them how they come across.

--Get angry on occasion.Believe in yourself like a man does. That means that when you're being beaten down to lose the conversation, use anger to aide the impression that you know you're right. To make it really authentic, make sure you get angry when you run out of things to say. Men always do this. Anger is a useful tool to sprinkle throughout your conversation to throw them all off your scent.

--Think at least two steps ahead. Maybe you'll need three. Before you open your mouth to begin a conversation, or before you make a reply, make sure you take the time necessary first to anticipate what their response will be. Know for yourself how you will answer, and keep that in mind, without prematurely revealing it when you reply. Men hate being wrong; in fact, in their universe it just never happens, and secretly they work very hard to think comprehensively about all answers beforehand so that they don't have to be troubled by their universe collapsing in on them.

If you apply yourself to these principles, I think you will find you will be treated with more relevance.

I don't utilize these to a maximum. It's not to my liking to gain a better impression for being listened to if it has to be at the expense of being kind. But they do help in moderation.

The Male Voice

If I were still 20 or even a couple years more I would have told you about how sensitive I was to men's stronger expressions. When they raised their voice or spoke harshly I was overcome with a bit of fear. As for whomever I met I was hoping that they might soon realize that they could save all their roughness for someone else and put to good use their special gentle attentions for me. Because that is what I needed. I needed a peaceful voice so that I could concentrate on becoming normal.

Having another six years of completely normal exposure to men in their strength, that sensitivity is all forgotten. That's thanks to a husband who is indeed good and gentle and the way that goodness has allowed me to heal over all things.

Now, things are developing into a new direction. I started to sense this within me two summers ago when I started blogging, but had no way till after all this time, to articulate it. My tastes for exposure are changing. Now I see and hear aggression and anger and impetuousness and other less civilized sounds and language (not bad things, I'm not saying though), and I am impressed. I don't think men realize how neat and special it is for them to have that freedom to be rough in the way they express themselves, and are received by the world.

When I was a child I listened to pop music. I had the chance to hear hard rock, with all the almost uncontrolled guitars and the high-pitched, screaming voices. These sounds struck me then as ludicrous, absurd. It made no sense. It had no relevance in terms of expressing anything worthwhile. But my tastes are changing; when I listen to people like "Petra" or others I haven't learned the name of yet, I... like it.

It seems fair that I ought to consider all the ways men are, not just the ones that are palatable. Still, it's almost always challenging to behold these rougher, more macho ways men deal with the world, and I still have some secret preference to see a man be able to honor women as the weaker ones who need a filter for many things. But my desire to not peek around that filtered veil is less and less satisfactory. I'm ready to hear and to see the rough way of expressing humanity.

Give me no longer grassy knoll toga Jesus. Give me Revelation Lord of the Swords Jesus.

I still can't explain what seems useful and relevant to me about that male voice. I don't want to become rough or angry or any other aspect, myself. I don't think that will ever change even if I am assertive. I guess I like the confidence, the arrogance they operate out of. I still am not quite sure what it is. But, it's fascinating to listen to.

And with good timing, I might add. For here comes more of it as I have a boy and everything will change.