Monday, August 28, 2006

The last six months

I've been starting to edge in to feeling depression.

There are three parts to why. One is the new pregnancy, the other the previous one and the confusion that still comes from it. But the most upsetting part to why I am feeling this way is my relationship with the LORD.

A few of you may have noticed that my blog material in this time range is been rare and not deep. During these months a new sin has crept in, and has ruined a lot of my heart. I never imagined I would find anything in me that would come between Him and I. And I've been going through cycle after cycle of sitting in sin, renouncing it and joining God again, getting comfortable again, and then slipping back to sin. The overall effect after about six months of this stage of life, is that it is hard for me to utilize faith, to utilize hope, through the good times or no. There is no sparkle in my heart anymore. I'm not God's shining star anymore.

It was so easy for me to be in His presence before, and when I would arrive He would pour out all this joy, peace, and even amazing knowledge and wisdom. Now when I finally arrive reconciled into His presence, the pipeflow of blessing is like a poor man's drip, and it turns off altogether so quickly, too.

The reason why I am so sad about losing my former relationship with Him is that I know, I KNOW, the high standard that God has shown me and given me to illuminate in the world in my small realm. Defending the weak, the unlikely, things that I have always had the most heart to do. But to look at me now, you would see someone who is struggling to operate out of overflowing of compassion. My compassion is difficult for me to locate. I get frustrated at my own children! How sad. I feel overwhelmed instead of faithful about volunteering. It's a malady that's touched all I do.... And I don't know why this is happening, and why I can't be like I was before. How do I get back?

So that's the frustration I have with my place in the faith right now.

As for my current pregnancy, since the beginning I have not had hardly any symptoms. It scared me in the beginning because this is what happened during my miscarriage-pregnancy. Then I went to the doctor finally and saw the heart beat on the ultrasound. I asked the doctor how healthy this might mean this pregnancy was. He gave me the best kind of news: "Seeing the heartbeat reduces the chance of miscarriage from 30% to 5%." Isn't that wonderful? I am so grateful. But I still can't help but walk everyday through this time and not feeling pregnant at all. I wish I could explain how thrown off I am by not feeling any symptoms. During the other two I was dizzy, sick, sleepy, unable to eat, all the time. Now, my body rarely speaks. I don't even feel it in my abdomen muscles either. I mean it's like the twilight zone for me. Thank goodness I have my brain to tell me what the doctor said to reassure me. And I remember that heart beat. Because otherwise I would not let myself believe that I was going to have a baby.

As for the transition time in between February and now, my mindset has been so changed in a short amount of time. I discovered that I would be okay to quit having more children. Once I realized that, I knew it could be my opportunity to finally lose weight. For these childbearing years I have taken a lot of pleasure in providing sustinence through allowing myself to become fatter. But I remembered an ancient pleasure: I used to enjoy fashion. And when I had lost ten pounds I could wear my La Femme cargos again. They got many compliments. Yay! It was truly awesome, the way I felt. :) What was dead had so suddenly come back from the grave. I had waited since 2000 to wear those again. And now that I am eleven weeks, here I am, set for another 2 years of patience, wearing whatever t-shirt looks the most baggy. I'm reconciled to it. It just seems like a dream that I actually did it, you know, that for those couple of weeks I actually accomplished a long-term goal. 50+- pounds, here I come. Can we order another vegetable pizza tonight, darling? :)

The most important thing to share now, is that I got some good counsel. And now I know what I'm working with. I'll share that in a new post.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You can have as many veggie pizzas as you want. As long as the girls and I don't have to partake :)..

I love you..


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