Vegetables for Dessert

Well I kept waiting for grace and wisdom, but that never came. Instead, all that came were more convictions, which led me to realize that it wasn't just one issue wrong with me, but a system-wide epidemic.

Apparently, I'm dumb-headed when it comes to obeying something uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I've been sitting in the dumps of this grief for what seems a long time, waiting for it to lift. This is the hardest grunt-work I think I'll ever experience as a Christian. It is painful even to share it aloud, not because it's embarassing or it isn't right, but just because it requires so much humility, and therefore concentration, on my part. (I'm not naturally or willingly humble.)

So in the end it wasn't something positive I saw about myself in Christ I got confronted with like I was hoping, but rather that condemation I've been afraid the whole time to receive.

"The word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, confront Jerusalem with her detestable practices and say, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says to Jerusalem: Your ancestry and birth were in the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, 'Live!' I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels.'"

I remember that I was not meant to be a succeedor in life. When God came into my heart my whole destiny turned around. How can I ever doubt it, fail to see it? No one who knows me can dispute this.

"'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.'"

Yes I did, Lord.

"'I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.'"

Oh, Lord, everything: my children, my home, my husband, my income, my free time, my fabulous chances to minister; all I have is given by you as a sign of the victory you've already won. How could I have drifted away from gratitude for you?

"'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame...'" (ezek 16:1-15) for the sake of your own self ambition.

I am so sorry Lord that I used the wealth of gifts and talents you have given me to pursue my own selfish appetites. You gave me those things because of your love, not because I am anyhow different than who I was when you originally found me discarded. You saw me, and took pity on me, and adopted me as your own.

"'Because you did not remember the days of your youth but enraged me with all these things, I will surely bring down on your head what you have done,' declares the Sovereign LORD." vs 43

This, if I have experienced its entirety, is the most gentle hand of rebuke I ever have known.

"This is what the Sovereign LORD says: 'I will deal with you as you deserve, because you have despised my oath by breaking the covenant. Yet I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. ... Then, when I make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation,' declares the Sovereign LORD." 59-60, 63

Yes, Lord, because of my humiliation.

Even if no one else knows, I will know deep down, and I will be anchored.

Option #3

I have my long list of all the things I want to have cleaned by the time we go. But you know, it disturbs me as I go along my list today because in my mind I hear the word of God condemning me:

"You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matt 23:25-26

So I keep asking myself "what's the point?" I won't let myself become deluded to think that I am serving God in all that I do if inwardly I have mixed interest in doing things His way, and occasionally run away from Him. What the heck is that?

And I wouldn't run away from Him, if I knew what to make of my willingness to ultimately not choose Him in competition with my own self-ambition, in one particular facet as I have been discussing in my blogs recently.

You know, it's amazing how one little issue can ruin the whole of my ability to be available for God's use.

I've explored the options, because I won't go on like this. First option, hide. Second option, surrender my issue. I've tried hide, and it's not too fun; I feel like a fish out of water. Surrender? No; that's what I've been trying to say; I'm stubborn, and I'm not willing, on principle.

This morning I realized there was a third option: Turn and ask for help; "because they would not turn and let me heal them." God's Spirit is already here with me, and you'd think that'd be enough. But what I need in this extreme case is to be something greater than what I already am. If I can't choose my way into fellowship, then what I need has to come from someplace else.

If He can show me a new way to consider my aspirations, then maybe I'd choose better, choose the right. Well, I have enough faith for that. Let's wait and see what He gives.