The Seeds on my Stovetop

I keep staring at the seeds on my stovetop.

You may be confused to think that I am saying I have seeds on my stove. But, I do. They are sitting in a little dish, immersed in water. I bought morning glory vine seeds and for about a month now I have been planning to plant them along my fence line to have them grow up and create a wall of flowers. So two weeks ago I read the directions on the back of each packet:

"Soak seeds overnight in warm water before planting, whether indoors or out."

There are several little projects I have designed in my mind for what plants I want to grow, where, on our property. Most of my stuff is already growing around somewhere only in the "wrong" spot; I just have to transplant them. Some of my designs, when I follow through and transplant them, cause the bush to grow and make my area seem more attractive. Sometimes what I transplant doesn't work out logistically, and I have to move them somewhere else later. But there is one thing I dread more than anything else in my effort to transplant my items: killing them.

Since last summer I have been soaking lilac tree starts. I've been watching the lifeless sticks sitting in a bucket of water all winter. They are precious to me because I often see a mature tree, and I get so excited. Now they have green buds on them, and I planted them in the ground. But since their roots aren't developed, I am thinking they are not going to live. I feel like a fool. So much waiting and hoping, for nothing.

You may have guessed that these small stories I am sharing with you are like parables for the plans I make to do good things as a child of God.

Being so affected as I have been about the experiences of Joseph, I have just been lately agreeing with God that he would let my efforts in my literal garden to be a spiritual reflection about my true state in representing Him. To think therefore, that my desire for His bloom is being killed at my own hand, has created trepidation in me, to keep trying.

And that is why those seeds are still soaking, two weeks after the recommended "overnight."

I'm scared of what I'll do to them.

Why, you might ask, are they on the top of my stove of all places? Because that is the one place I know I can't push them aside and forget about them: it is the center of where I hover so that I will not neglect them through busyness but will be constantly reminded to follow through with the rest of the directions and not waste them.

God's Word, too, was meant to be given room to grow, not neglected and kept on the shelf.

How can my godliness ever grow if I don't plant the seed of His Word in faith??

My faith has to be bigger than my fear. Somehow I have to hope that God can cause to flourish that which I would kill without Him. I want Him to override my mishandling and inappropriation.

Believing for the wall of "glories."

I have a weird life

Ever since I read about the life of Joseph in Genesis some weird stuff has been happening in my head.

It's all confusing.

Sometimes I think God is giving me a promise, and other times I think I am arrogantly creating a whopping sense for self-righteousness in me.

Here's what I do know so far:

The story of Joseph, in his sufferings and exaultation, creates a strong reaction in me. I have many pieces of Joseph's puzzle in my own life, from being blessed abundantly beyond an enemy's touch later in life, to experiencing a time of more intense suffering beforehand, to understanding that like him, I, too, have a gift for prophecy. He felt alone and abandoned by his brothers. I have been having a bumpy time relating well to those in my church, and have been left alone from my peers in Christ too.

So these qualities of my life never really amounted to much of my particular notice or even care. I always like a fly on the window attempted to create friendly or intimate relationships with those in my church, but magically it doesn't work out for me like it does every other woman I know. But now that I see the end result of Joseph's alone-years, I wonder, is God preparing me too for something great (displaying his glory)?

So lately now I keep analyzing myself to see if I measure up well when I am tested. And I often don't. In fact in a lot of ways I have a long, long way to go. So maybe I'm totally reading "too much" into Genesis, I wonder.

Even if you take away all the "coincidences" of the similarities between us, I am still left with one thing that I know now isn't going to go away: I desire to serve Christ. I want the kind of life that loves God so much and is willing to do anything for Him that He might really let his power flow through me for the sake of others. I can't rid myself of this desire; in fact, as the days pass, it only grows.

And in the meanwhile God IS utilizing it. Whoa! Joseph had to wait, and so do I need that! I'm gonna need a lot more years of quiet lack of notoriety before I could possibly be ready like Joseph was, to give all glory to God when tempted. God let me do some awesome things, being a source of a blessing's flow, and see some humungous answers to prayer this week. It was like a breeze of blessing. I don't know why this is happening. I almost want God to take it back. Let me suffer in unutilization so that I won't be tempted toward pride. In fact, I think I'll pray for that.

Meanwhile I do my church activities and see how I react when I am able to do something others can't -- prideful! Dumb. I'm not any good to God if I take his glory. I don't want to be any good to God if I take his glory.

Isn't redirecting the praise to Him the whole point of being given a gift/appointed to service?

What a confusing mess I am.

Eh, throw it all into the fire and burn it. I'm not going to try and plan the future. God will show me what I am meant to be when I'm truly ready to become it.