A Sad But Firm Introduction

Tomorrow I plan to begin delving into the nature of what has been tagged "spiritual abuse."

I have re-written and re-written these following paragraphs. It has been difficult to make typical opening remarks. Any essay in its introduction makes known the purpose for writing. But how can I be clear, without also giving away hard, cold facts? If I use a name, or cite specific events, the liberty of any and all to find themselves in the 'spiritual abuse' material, as moved, provoked, etc., is stolen. In fact, I become nearer to the very thing I claim to oppose-the abuser-when I do not allow God's Spirit to convict in the void created by non-condescension.

So, while It is regrettably tempting to point fingers, I just hope that God will change me. I still go toward accusations, in my heart all the time. But what am I saving these perpetrators to, assuming I did have a helpful effect? -- A code of ethics? A new philosophy on how to do apologetics? I like that. But no. That's not good enough. In fact, compared to the greater achievement of letting them have the grace to walk and talk to God without my soundbytes, all I can say is this: "What profit a man if he gains the whole world but along the way loses his very soul?" If I want those who oppress to extend grace instead, they must first dwell right here and now within grace. That grace will never practically arrive in their life if they are not saturated in it by me and others too. Grace is always more efficient at creating true lovingkindness, than a list of rules or code of behaviors could ever be. Our Heavenly Father disciplines true sons. So how can silence ever feel like a mistake?

I only want to find myself in this material. Where I've been injured, where I've caused pain. That should be plenty to fill the mental plate....

Silence and grace isn't a mistake... unless the problem is not yet addressed. Let me identify it now, once and hopefully nevermore. This topic is pertinent because some have oppressed many in the free grace community, whom I can generally categorize as "the heretic labelers." I have said three times behind closed doors that the heretic labelers are not unlike in kind of an abusive husband. They are ultimatum-wielding and performance-demanding, while the bulk of free grace is like the wife, cowering and speechless, in shock.
I want to ask: "Is this abuse?" Perhaps I am grossly mistaken, and if that's true then I am glad! Through the years of my own life I've been drawn beyond my preference into four cults to date (and one more volitionally), so, when I experienced poor relationships firsthand here in free grace I was in real time also ultra-aware of the larger picture. Having been around the block, what I perceive as the familiar pattern of abuse is just not sucking me in like it used to. They may quickly disparage the woman-messenger who stands up for herself. But I don't care. You all know my passion is to illuminate freedom in Christ to the non-mainstream christian sects. Being cued in on abuse, therefore, how could I hold myself back from saying something?

There are two secular models to cure the abusive. Some people say... that it can work to cure the abuse by giving in to every one of their demands and expectations and attempt to be flawless. I suppose that some might come to a point where they see how far off-base their gratifications can take a relationship, and then repent? But I've never thought that model really works. Rather I think the opposite model works, and it has achieved a lot of wellness in some former experiences. This is the one where the abused individual mimics the behavior of the abuser. Threats, demands, self-gratification, explosive anger, authoritarian attitude in all things, and unexpected exposure to the watching world.

But Christ keeps bidding me to think anew about a Godly method to both cure with deadpan truth, and yet save to faith and grace. I don't think I really need to go all that far. The fact that I just don't take it sitting down, is probably enough. The fact that I'm just not afraid, is plenty. I'll leave out the temper and mimicking and the exposure. I want the reconciliation of my brother, and to go back to being happily feminine (silent and sacrificing, if you read my blog I love this character) and teachable in this community. My usefulness is wearing down, being limited to a small variety of topics, this perhaps being a last unveiling.

I don't get it. If the free grace community puts up with the personality of one person, as the general m. o. of an abuser, then why can't there be equality with a little larger reservation at the table for one more personality, being the general m. o. of a survivor? You call that "unprofessional." And you're right. I keep trying to remember the LORD, and his personality. I wanna get there, but not without my brother.

The most important thing I can say is this: I believe that the perpetrators of abuse have undiscovered of yet been the victim of spiritual authority's neglect or abuse perhaps many, many times. I also am convinced that they have no awareness or otherwise no tools by which to grow and be better. I have no idea if I'm right. My heart bleeds. I too, as you can see in my narrative thus far, know how to be abusive. I've done it too many times to want to remember though generally not with intention to hurt, and therein lies my greatest hope that others don't mean ill either. I've made a couple serious lapses into unhealthiness while interacting in free grace. One time almost cost me a friendship.

Looking forward to building brotherly bonds in righteous relationships....

"Let's be clear again: Not all Christian leaders are abusive, nor are all spiritual systems abusive. It's also possible that healthy leaders and spiritual systems can sometimes, unintentionally, treat people in hurtful ways. There is no such thing as a perfect family or church where people don't ever get hurt. But the difference between an abusive and a non-abusive system is that while hurtful behaviors might happen in both, it is not permissible to talk about problems, hurts and abuses in the abusive system. Hence, there is no healing and restoration after the wound has occurred, and the victim is made to feel at fault for questioning or pointing out the problem." {1}



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pg. 32