look backward child

Looking backward is foolish if it is meant to boast. But it can be useful, too. At times it is all a Christian may have. Remembering how God has taken us through is a great source of encouragement.

There is a phrase for a time in our walk where God seems to disappear. They call it "The Dark Night of the Soul." The dark night of the soul refers to a dryness as simple as a spiritual discipline not returning the product it once did, or it may more seriously signal a sever altogether of the effectual presence of God.

In November of 2005 I had a miscarriage, and I wrote a few posts in regard to it. While gaining my senses I looked backward and remembered what I had said to God. I remembered that He was leading me. I chronicled my remembrances in two posts.

On November 23, 2005 I wrote in a blog entry:

Before the turn of the year 2005, I read a book I already recently quoted called "A Path Through Suffering" by Elizabeth Elliot. Not that any book should create in anyone a following and a devotion in likeness to scripture; however, at the end of her life, which was victoriously walked in intimacy to Christ, she simply has the wisdom to put the pieces together. Why should I not try and glean, to listen, to sit at her feet and absorb what she gained at a price??

This book was able to inspire me with an all-consuming love and trust for Christ. It was so inspiring that I was able to say to the Lord back then a year ago, "Lord, I am ready to go anywhere you want. No matter what that may look like. Would you let me suffer for Christ?"

And now everyone I imagine is thinking it is time to commit me to a mental facility. It sounds crazy. But you should have seen the love and peace I saw through the illumination of that path....

Then following day I wrote in a post what I prayed for my future:

And you will not believe what I happily prayed to God at some moment in it: "God, I am ready to sacrifice more. Anything you want, Lord, you can have it."

And that is when the trouble came. I suffered nothing more again in likeness to a miscarriage outwardly in my life, but inwardly all I could explain to others was that my God had "pulled the rug out from underneath me." This was a dark night of the soul in my life.

September 14, 2006

I have some bad news. I really honestly can't see my way out of this cyclic spin I'm in. It's too far out of my grasp to deliver myself. I am truly stuck. Does God ever decide to pull out the rug on someone? I know that sounds harsh. But, come to think of it, it feels harsh.

January 24, 2007

But I'm not interested in what I ought to be. All I can think about, is anything else. I rarely make myself behold a panoramic view of where I should be and where I have taken to. To do that feels like a knife twisting and turning inside. Still, I cannot believe myself. I haven't given up hope. I keep waiting for God to change me. I don't know how to help myself. I am beginning to wonder if someone else has to help me.

January 31, 2007

It's so bad that a couple nights ago I said to myself, "Can I just... not be a Christian anymore? Say that I don't believe in God?" It's only the people I love and the truth that is a message of hope which makes me try and fight and believe that maybe I too, can be redeemed.

February 5, 2007, on the eve of the birth of my third child

What had been is gone. Finally, I am able to look at babies, and remember why they are so delightful. Wow, it's like I've awaken. I don't know why I'm better. All I think is, thank you God, and please, please don't leave me now, old self. Stay.

March 30, 2007, the darkness didn't lift after having healed as a mother

I have to find a way to be a Christian. I don't know where to start, but, I know that's where I've decided to go. I think I've seen this before. I had to make a difficult choice. Still, I don't know how to reach around the pain to grasp faith. I don't have any ideas. I have complete lack of confidence that I will walk away from this post and be any better at closing the disconnect. At least at this juncture I'm open to the potential. I have to, and I am willing, to offer at least that small hope.

May 16, 2007, relating to Jesus' request to let this cup of suffering pass by Him

The account of Jesus in the garden before his arrest is a fulfillment of prophecy in Psalm 88:8....

"You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape."

Finally in October of 2007, maybe I was beginning to hear His voice on occasion, just a little bit. This was such a great post of release and conclusion. In full it said:

Can you hear the song tuning in clear, and pick up the melody and sing along with all your heart? I can hear it now and I don't hold back.

So? Life has troubles, and now it's becoming obvious that they don't stop... therefore what needs to change is me. If I don't learn to live right now then I won't ever be able to sing along with the song that someone is playing for Him. Life's always been lived in moments, present-tense; but because of my immaturity all I was was tense in the present.

I have been aware that I need to let go for some time and I still am at a loss, several experiments later, as to how to do that--how to focus the soul's passions toward the exterior--but even that I'm not going to worry about.

I suppose it is natural to forget where you are with God. How cool it is to rediscover, as it comes spilling out of your mouth, your origin-stories of trust in Him as you happen onto it in conversation.

I remember how I used to be long ago. Do you? So frequently the right word at the right time for the right need, I felt like I had one ear in heaven, and my joy, in everything I did, was so full in the promises of God. How I miss that easy-access to learning at his feet; somehow I had that privilege before and I know it was wonderful. I am looking for my old-self, I wanna go back to the way it was, yeah. I've been waiting for some time but there is "no normal" -- God's voice keeps to a warp and a muffle before it trickles down from the sky -- yet, I am at peace finally. When all other lights go out, the past illuminates that the straight and narrow is, as ever was, before me.

There is abundant joy backing me up from the rear and mist and fog in arm's reach ahead. Somebody ought best to twist me around and have me start walking backward.

Faith is not easy to put into practice. But I like grace, which is the present-tense capture of its essence. I like how simple it is. It deals with the difficulties of the moment until the moment is gone. And then it sings a song that floats on the evening breeze.

Walking forward while looking backward. This is the reason why I wrote this post. The LORD commanded us to "remember" Him by taking the sacraments. The Patriarchs of our faith built altars and pillars to remember and memorialize what the LORD had accomplished. To boast would be one thing. But when life gets a little dark, sometimes the only thing left to keep you steady is looking back over where you've already been.

I realize that the "Dark Night of the Soul" is mystical and some people think it flat-out nonsense. That's okay. To defend it scripturally I could site how the prophet Elijah had a great spiritual high followed by a depression. And Peter had passion for Jesus that led him to immaturely say "even if all others fall away, I won't." And I see Moses, as a young man being told who God was and that he belonged to God's people, but it wasn't till he was an old man that God personally gave him a testimony of it. I wrote a post recently asking if perhaps John the Baptist might have "lost his salvation" because in a dark prison he doubled-back and doubted who Jesus was.

LORD, I love you, and I know what you have done for me. I've been busy lately. But when I heard this song, I realized everything at once. You were always there. And I need to say it. You were always... there.

Did John the Baptist lose his salvation?

And when John had heard in prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples and said to Him, “Are You the Coming One, or do we look for another?”
Jesus answered and said to them, “Go and tell John the things which you hear and see: The blind see and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”
As they departed, Jesus began to say to the multitudes concerning John: “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind? But what did you go out to see? A man clothed in soft garments? Indeed, those who wear soft clothing are in kings’ houses. But what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I say to you, and more than a prophet. For this is he of whom it is written:

‘ Behold, I send My messenger before Your face,
Who will prepare Your way before You.’

“Assuredly, I say to you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist; but he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

matt 11:2-11

John the Baptist lost his assurance that Jesus was the Lamb of God. At one time, he was confident.

John the Baptist preached about the "Coming One" before His arrival. John preached that this One would baptize with Holy Spirit and with fire, that He would cleanse the threshing floor. Next, he said to Jesus when he met Him in the Jordan River: "I need to be baptized by You, and You are coming to me?" (matt 3:11-14) Therefore John must have believed, at that time, that Jesus was the Coming One.

John the Baptist bore witness that Jesus was the One for whom he had been preparing the way:

And John bore witness, saying, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and He remained upon Him. I did not know Him, but He who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘Upon whom you see the Spirit descending, and remaining on Him, this is He who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ And I have seen and testified that this is the Son of God.”

john 1:32-34

In his moment of weakness look how Jesus defends John. “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind? But what did you go out to see? Yes... and more." I see how the LORD confirmed him, ironically when he was in the midst of the deepest confusion.

Can this be a comfort to anyone we know today in our world? Have any of us been pleased at one time to walk with the LORD and especially to suffer according to His will, and then, while there in the darkness, in the futility, in the loneliness... confusion and doubt and even bitterness become a constant struggle?

But God's salvation is bigger than our doubts. And He loves us when we suffer for Him, even when we suffer in the form of receiving circumstances that cause us to be unsure of Jesus.

John's example is of great comfort to me.

Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light
by Brian Kolodiejchuk

He feels it too

This is the first time in a long time I have found a living example I could connect with.

Yeah, I'd heard about the prophet Elijah and how he had a great spiritual high followed by a depression. And I heard about Peter and his passion for Jesus that led him to pride and say "even if all others fall away, I won't." And I saw Moses, how though he was told as a young man who God was and that he belonged to God's people, it wasn't till he was an old man that God personally gave him a testimony of it. These stories have brought me some comfort to think there is hope for me.

It's this story though that helps me most, so far: Jesus asked three times in the nighttime of the garden before his arrest, "Take this cup from me."

Jesus was the one who in the beginning set forth a battle with a fallen creature named Satan. He is the one who designed the idea to place a tree of choice in the middle of Eden, and who cast humanity out of paradise with a curse, the cherubim and their flaming swords preventing return. Jesus designed all this as the fate of our universe. And yet here in the garden He said "Everything is possible with God. Take this cup from me." So I assume He could have done it. He had everything at his command. He could have gathered up all his saints in a single moment, even without suffering and dying; without drinking that bitter cup. He could have made our universe without needing a Savior to suffer.

So why?

Why drink it, Jesus? You have all power to stop it. You are deeply distressed and troubled. You know that they all are just about to flee your side. Even the Father will turn His back. It leaves you all alone, and friendless, pressing on to do what had been set out by your plan.

Oh... so You really do understand the forsaken, then.

On 4/9/07 I wrote in a blog entry titled "Question":

Why is it that God came for the broken and for the sinners? The oppressed, those without, etc.? Why does he call himself their God? It seems to me God is claiming to be all about a group of people who want nothing to do with Him.

The account of Jesus in the garden before his arrest is a fulfillment of prophecy in Psalm 88:8....

"You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape."

Joseph's Dungeon

I have some bad news.

I really honestly can't see my way out of this cyclic spin I'm in. It's too far out of my grasp to deliver myself. I am truly stuck.

Does God ever decide to pull out the rug on someone? I know that sounds harsh. But, come to think of it, it feels harsh.

I feel like I'm starting all over again. Way back to when I was 21, having freshly made a commitment to be Christ's follower, but finally entering into the choice that comes in lifestyles as a result. For several months I suffered by being dual-hearted. I think it came to an end after lots of perserverance on my part to seek God's help and repent.

I'm leaning in my daily moments on my children's Christian programming playing that arrangement of dialogue in the background of my day....

From VeggieTales, the newly released DVD called, "The Bad Apple: A Lesson in Temptation":

"Who let you in?" asks the victim.
"I was hoping you would," says the enemy.
"It looks amazing. Like you could walk right in," said the victim.
"Oh, you can. Go ahead, walk right in," says the enemy.

Oh, I am such a spiritual loser. I appreciate how God uses what He wills to help me, and I'm not offended to be taught like a child. The next is one has been lying around my house for the entirety of these difficult months. The more I watch it the more I learn....

From the Dreamworks (the makers of Shrek) movie "Joseph: King of Dreams," an entertaining account of Joseph of the Old Testament.

You know from the bible how he started off being a child born to a barren woman, a miracle, with a special gift given by God. He is sold into slavery by his brothers, he serves faithfully as a slave and is betrayed again in innocence to jail. It is at this point in the movie, where Joseph has reached the most pitiful and lowly point when this song below is sung.

There is an amazing scene involving a broken young tree that evolves while the song is being sung. He is in a dark, barren dungeon. The tree is the only living thing inside the jail. It is nearly dead lying broken in the middle of the floor. Joseph picks it up and tends to it, over the months in the jail. It grows bigger and gets more and more healthy. As the song is playing and the months pass and the tree grows more sturdy, brief scenes flash reflecting all the hard moments in his life leading up to the present. Each time a scene from his past is recounted, Joseph places a stone around the base of the tree.

These selected stones of a protecting wall Joseph places around the tree represent all of the reclaimed pieces of his faith over his circumstances.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I tried to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me
Will you teach me
For you know better than I
You know the way
I'll take what answers you supply

My most favorite scene in the movie, the one that will always stay with me, and is the desire of my heart, described:

Inside the otherwise barren pit, here Joseph stands silent with his head bowed and his hands together in front of an amazing beautiful and healthy tree which is the centerpiece on display in the pit.

Joseph is now going to be taken to Pharaoh, where it will be obvious to all through Joseph's life what the Pharaoh announces to the people "Zaphaphanea" : "The God speaks, and He lives." I want to have my life's fulfillment in having others having a similar testimony about God through seeing my life.

Joseph is delivered out of that pit onto an easier time. And for all of those who will be thrown in the dungeon after he, there waits an amazing testimony of hope and strength for all to behold. I see the soul of Joseph being reflected by that one favorite scene where he stands humbly before the lone strengthened tree. I see a life laid down and destroyed in the way Jesus promised "If you want to save your life, you will lose it. But if you lose your life for me, you will find it." Where there is nothing left of me to behold, only Christ, living and breathing and blessing in the centerpiece of the room. Because of faith. In the midst of hard circumstances.

I want to reclaim these circumstances for faith in God and what He might be doing. It looks ugly, confusing, non-logical to me. I am coming to a place where the only option I have left, is surrender. I want to let God lead me. This can't go on forever.