"Spiritual Traps"

I quote a bit from this text to provide a diagnostic tool.

In a very real sense, the spiritually abusive system is a spiritual trap. ... As we've already seen, spiritually abusive systems are hard to leave. The leaders assume power and demand obedience. They foster loyalty to the organization with implied or overt scare tactics and threats. Leaving the system is equal to leaving God and His protection. Paranoia about the evils outside the system makes people afraid to leave. This begins the building of a trap. Then comes the bait.

There are many kinds of bait in the spiritually abusive church, family or organization. "Right standing with God" is probably the most common bait. In 2 Corinthians 11:13-15, Paul says that false apostles "disguise themselves as servants of righteousness." The abusive system gives people an opportunity to earn God's approval with their own positive self-effort. In fact, this bait is so appealing that people fail to notice several things.

For instance, they learn to ignore others around them who point out that they are being neglected or mistreated. They overlook it when they grow more tired as time goes on. They ignore the fact that people close to them are leaving and urging them to leave. They are oblivious to how it is becoming easier to justify the things that not too long ago they abhorred.

Other baits might include: the approval of people; religious status or position; a paycheck; the promise that things will improve; or an opportunity to be shamed or mistreated in a way that is consistent with their sense of deserving to be punished for being so "bad."

In addition to everything else these people ignore, they overlook the fact that their goal keeps moving out of reach. ... If they want to stop struggling, a voice within "warns" them: "What if you give up now, just when you were about to have a spiritual 'breakthrough'?"

{1}



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 184-185

Relationships that build victims {1}

Focus on Performance

The dynamic: How people act is more important than who they are or what is happening to them on the inside. Love and acceptance are earned by doing certain things. Living up to the standard is what earns acceptance, the result of which is acceptance of behaviors, not people.

Manipulation

The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful, unspoken rules. These rules are seldom, if ever, said out loud. In fact, when spoken out loud many of them sound ridiculous. No one says out loud, 'What people think about us is more important than what is really happening.' The 'can't talk' rule keeps people quiet by labeling them as the problem if they notice and confront a problem.

Coding is an example of verbal manipulation. When we 'code,' we say something in a crooked manner. Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are supposed to decode. People also code non-verbally with body language - by giving dirty looks, becoming loud or quiet, or leaving the room in a sullen or disconnect attitude.

Triangling is another way to act manipulative in relationships. This simply means to send a message to someone through another person instead of delivering it directly.

Unbalanced Interrelatedness

The dynamic: Members of shame-based systems are either under-involved or over-involved with each other. Another word for under-involvement is neglect. There is no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences. Another word for over-involvement is enmeshment. This is when there are no clear boundaries between people. Two lies govern: First, it is your responsibility to make sure everyone else is happy and well and you have the ability to achieve this. Second, everyone else is responsible to make sure you are happy and well and they are capable of doing so. Consequently, everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself.



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 56-57, 58-59

Unspoken Rules {1}

In abusive spiritual systems, people's lives are controlled from the outside in by rules, spoken and unspoken. Because [the rules] are not said out loud, you don't find out that they're there until you break them.

For instance, no one at a church gathering would ever say out loud, 'You know we must never disagree with the pastor on his sermons - and if you do you will never be trusted and never be allowed to minister in any capacity in this church.' In this case, the unspoken rule is: Do not disagree with the church authorities - especially the pastor - or your loyalty will be suspect. Rules like this remain unspoken because examining them in the light of mature dialogue would instantly reveal how illogical, unhealthy and anti-Christian they are. So silence becomes the fortress wall of protection, shielding the pastor's power from scrutiny or challenge.

If you did disagree openly or publicly, you would break the silence - and you would quite likely be punished. You will suffer one of two consequences: either neglect (being ignored, overlooked, shunned) or aggressive legalism (questioned, openly censured, asked to leave - in extreme cases cursed).

Ephesians 4:25 says:

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."

The 'Can't Talk' Rule

If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated.

Those who speak up are most often told, "You were angry - you didn't confront the matter in a 'loving' way. So it proves you weren't handling the matter in a mature, Christian manner." Or, they say "The problem is not that your boundaries were crossed and violated, the problem is that you talked."

The real problem, however, is that if a Christian who feels violated stops talking, then the perpetrator will never be held accountable for his behavior.

In abusive spiritual systems, there exists a "pretend peace" -- what the prophet Jeremiah decried, saying, "The prophets say 'peace, peace,' when there is none." If what unites us is our pretending to agree, then we have nothing more than pretend peace and unity, with undercurrents of tension and backbiting.

Leaders are more accountable because of their position of authority - not less accountable. Why? Because if you are a leader people are following you, behaving the way you do. You are spiritually producing after your own kind. What are you reproducing?



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 67-69

Spiritual Abuse is Not New {1}

Is there such a thing as spiritual abuse?
Are we making a big deal out of nothing?

It is far-reaching and it can be as wounding as other forms of abuse. If you're a counselor, you may balk at that, and we don't mean to minimize sexual, physical or emotional abuse, which certainly leave people with serious wounds. Spiritual abuse, however, puts people at odds with their best Friend. It causes some people to question, doubt, and even run the other direction from their Source. They see their strongest Advocate as their biggest accuser, their Ally as their enemy.

But on what authority do we base our claim that spiritual abuse does exist? As we reexamined the Bible we suddenly saw a "picture" of two opposing spiritual systems: one that is under the reign of God, intended to bring life and freedom to the people; one a false spiritual system that is under the rule of men, attempting to drive people so that they perform in religious or "pseudo-spiritual" ways, oblivious to the fact that this drains life and steals power.

Jeremiah 5:26 "...for wicked men are found among my people... they set a trap, they catch men." Here is God's lament over the situation: "An appaling and horrible thing has happened in the land. The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule on their own authority" (vv. 30-31).

Notice that the abuse is happening from a place of religious authority. Spiritual abuse can only come from a place of power. It is possible to be abused by someone who doesn't have any true spiritual authority. In Jeremiah 6, we see spiritual neglect:

"For from the least of them even to the greatest of them, every one is greedy for gain, and from the prophet even to the priest everyone deals falsely. And they have healed the brokenness of my people superficially, by saying, 'Peace, peace,' but there is no peace"(vv. 13-14).

How sad! The religious leaders are so self-consumed that they don't have time or energy to minister to people's needs. The people of God are left to make do with the religious leftovers. Today, we might parallel Jeremiah's dilemma by examining our own spiritual setting in which the people of God are so often counseled to ignore their real needs and are offered placebos in the form of easy answers, "try hard" sermons, and the latest "get rich" formulas. As in all unhealthy relationships, in a spiritually abusive system the most important thing is how things look. So the ugly and messy relational process of meeting people's real needs gets sacrificed for a better-looking but false peace.

Many times, "You just need to tell your problem to the Lord," actually means, "Just don't tell it to me," or "Quit saying it out loud."

It takes only a superficial reading of the New Testament to see that Jesus was not at odds with "sinners" -- the prostitutes, lepers and the demonized -- but with the religious system of his day. In Matthew 23, referring to the religious leaders, Jesus says,

"They tie up heavy loads, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger" (vs 4).

"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my load is light" (vv. 28-30).

The word "weary" refers to those in the act of working themselves to the point of exhaustion. It is important to see, that despite their ceaseless efforts, the weariness only grows. Trying hard only makes things worse.

There is the neglect of real needs in favor of the "needs" of authority; then legalism replaces rest in God with demands for spiritual performance.

True prophets stand in front of a narrow gate, the one that says "Come to me, all who labor...". You can only fit through this gate if you drop all of your "works" baggage and come through alone. One the other side you find heavenly rest. If you try and go through with your perfect attendance pins and Bible quiz trophies, or any of your own righteousness, you simply won't fit. Jesus is the narrow gate. Religion always teaches that you can get to God by doing something. Your good standing with God depends on what you do. Do the law, perform religion, do it right, look good, try hard. They look like sheep, and they appear to be the safest, most righteous, but they lead people down the wrong path. Jesus plus anything is not Jesus!

"There is a conspiracy of her prophets in her midst, like a roaring lion tearing the prey. They have devoured lives; they have taken treasure and precious things; they have made many widows in the midst of her. Her princes within her are like wolves tearing the prey, by shedding blood and destroying lives in order to get dishonest gain" (ezekiel 22:25,27).

It was part of Jesus' mission to expose an abusive system. It's important to remember four things about his confrontations. First, His confrontations landed on those who saw themselves as God's official spokespersons--the most religious, the best performers. Second, Jesus broke the religious rules by confronting those in authority out loud. Third, He was treated as the problem because He said there was a problem. And forth, crowds of broken people rushed to Him because His message offered hope and rest.

Paul's Battle

[Paul had preached the good news in Galatia. Afterward,] he learned that a group of people had followed behind him and spread a teaching that demanded the people be circumcised as an added proof of their spirituality.

"For those who are circumcised do not even keep the law themselves, but they desire to have you circumcised, that they may boast in your flesh" (galatians 3:13).

You see, living with Jesus as your only source of life and acceptance is a confrontation to those who seek God's approval on the basis of their own religious behavior.

This, then, will explain the pressure you feel to perform religious behaviors in spiritually abusive contexts. If you [obey their message],

1] it will make them look good
2] their self-righteousness will escape the scrutiny of the cross of Christ as the only means to God's favor
3] it will allow them to examine you instead of themselves
4] they will be able to boast in or gain a sense of validation from your religious performance

And it's all cloaked in the language of being holy and helping others to live holy lives.

"I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you, and want to distort the gospel of Christ" (Galatians 1:6-7).

In other words, those who are "disturbing" you are urging you to commit treason. Paul took it very seriously when someone replaced the spiritual life of grace and rest with a life of imposed works.

In 1 Timothy 6:5 he warns that these erring teachers "suppose that godliness is a means of gain." They act godly not because they are godly, but to gain something. Have you ever met a contented legalist, a truly restful religious "performer"? No such person.

In Titus 1:9-10 Paul says:

"An overseer must hold fast to the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, that he may be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict. For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families."

Leaders are given to the church to protect the flock from legalists who push religious performance as the means to right standing or favor with God. Paul tells us that these rebellious men must be silenced.

Noticing a problem does not make you the problem. Remember, Paul urged the Ephesians to "be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock." (acts 20:28)

We believe that all of us, as Christians, need to be on guard - not only against specific leaders and systems that throw their spiritual weight around, but against the subtle use of "formulas" and doctrines that are so often used to press good people of the faith into conformity with a religious system instead of conformity to Christ.



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 29-32, 35-39

Is This Abuse?

Is "recognizing spiritual abuse" part of the training for pastorship while at seminary? Have you ever heard of the term "spiritual abuse?" I don't know. I don't know what the awareness is, out there.

I thought this material is timely. The theme of the upcoming free grace conference is "Building a Grace-Driven Church." Meanwhile even I am engaged in building a friendship with a fellow blogger who, like me, is going to great effort, with considerable achievement I might add, to be brought fuller awareness of unhealthy relationships in the body of Christ. What's more, calvinist evangelical Christianity has made many disciples less secure and more fearful. Their traditional philosophy on intra-church relationships, is our inheritance. It will be the status-quo till the day we look intentionally and purposefully into the face of our own conduct amongst other Christians. Grace ought to set us free from fear and insecurity. Doctrinally--we get it. I want to take it into the practical realm. I hope that this book, like a counselor in the faith, might bring structure and peace to our relationships, beginning with myself. I have failed to obey healthy relational boundaries, from time to time. As I realize my wrongs, I will confess and ask to be forgiven.

What you read below is taken from the book "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen {1}. In a few days' time I hope to be able to share the essence of this book's most helpful punchlines. But for now, let me attempt to immerse the reader in this topic:

(portions taken from) CHAPTER ONE -- "Help Me..."

Jeri sat in the office of a Christian counselor, explaining that she felt desperate, and felt like she was going crazy. "Either that," she said dryly, "or I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough in my spiritual growth."

"Those are two big opposites," the counselor noted. "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Well," she began, choking up, "I went to my pastor a few months ago because I was feeling depressed a lot. He pegged the root problem right away, but I can't seem to do anything about it."

"Root problem..." the counselor repeated. "What was that?"

Jeri looked down at her shoe tops. "I guess I would have to say the problem is, well, me. My pastor says I'm in rebellion against God."

What unfolded was an unfortunate, and all too common, case history: Jeri's church teaches that Scripture is God's Word, the standard by which we must live. But they use it as a measure by which we gain acceptance with God rather than as a guide for living. Therefore, when she asked her pastor for help with her depression, she was given a "prescription" of praise Scriptures to memorize and repeat over and over. This, she was told, would get her mind off herself and onto God. The depression would lift when she got over her sinful self-centeredness.

Jeri had tried what the pastor suggested, but her depression didn't lift, and this raised some questions. She noted that there was a history of depression among the women in her family, and that she was presently experiencing some physical problems. Moreover, she confided to her pastor that she was struggling in her relationship with her husband, because he shrugged off responsibilities with their two teenagers who were beginning to get into trouble.

"How did he respond when you said his suggestion didn't help?"

"That's when he dropped the bomb on me," Jeri said.

The counselor did not fail to notice her choice of metaphor--the devastation Jeri was trying to portray--and asked, "What sort of 'bomb'?"

The pastor had told her, "The fact that you won't accept my counsel without raising all these objections and other possibilities was the major indication to me, Jeri, that your root problem is spiritual, not physical or emotional. When you talked about arguing with your husband, rather than submitting to him and trusting God, that confirmed it." He concluded that the other problems--emotional depression, physical illness, a troubled marriage and teenagers in turmoil--were the result of her inability to submit fully to God and His Word.

Jeri had tried to object. "I told him I felt condemned. That I felt I needed some other kind of help."

"What happened?" the counselor prompted.

"That made it worse. My pastor just smiled and said I wasn't willing to accept his counsel--so that proved he was right. That's when he used the 'R' word on me. He said, 'Jeri, you need to repent of your rebellion against God. Then all these minor problems will be taken care of.'"

. . .

Jeri never noticed that she was not receiving help, which is what she was hoping for. Instead, her spiritual position before God was being questioned and, it would appear, judged.

At the bottom of this sad, painful encounter lies perhaps the subtlest dynamic: Jeri questioned an authority who considered himself above questioning, perhaps even above error.

. . .

In a word, Jeri was manipulated. ...Jeri asked an honest question and he "pulled rank." ... What does this attitude reveal? It reveals that the pastor was, at least in this encounter, not functioning in a caring position for Jeri's benefit, though she needed him. On the contrary, it appears she was supposed to affirm and bolster him by agreeing, regardless of how she felt and whether or not his assessment of her was accurate. Upholding his position of authority was what mattered most.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being.

Spiritual abuse can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a "spiritual standard." This promotes external "spiritual performance," also without regard to an individual's actual well-being, or is used as a means of "proving" a person's spirituality.

...Spiritual abuse can be heaped upon leaders as well as followers. [The phenomenon leaves individuals of any position] bearing a weight of guilt, judgment or condemnation, and confusion about their worth and standing as a Christian.

Is "Abuse" Too Strong a Word?

It's possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions, disagrees, or doesn't "behave" spiritually the way you want them to. There are spiritual systems in which what people think, how they feel and what they need or want does not matter. People's needs go unmet. In these systems, the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders: needs for power, importance, intimacy, value--really, self-related needs. These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion in the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse.

This is Not a Witch-Hunt

[This phenomenon] is not confined to cults but actually happening (sad to say) in the body of Christ. It's also important for you to understand this: Any one of us can forget about the empowering grace by which we're to live the Christian life, and to act or speak in a way that spiritually abuses others. ...We are not suggesting that anyone start a "witch hunt" to seek and destroy abusers.

-- It is not abusive for a spiritual leader to make final decisions using her best judgment, ...choosing to go against your opinion.

-- It is not abusive when a Christian confronts another Christian because of sin, wrongdoing or even honest mistakes that must be corrected. The objective, of course, is not to shame or discredit, but to heal, save and restore.

-- It is not abusive when a person in ministry or leadership is asked to step down because of emotional, physical, mental or spiritual problems. The goal, however, must be on helping the individual to receive help, so as to eventually return to their office or position if that is the best action.

-- It is not spiritually abusive or inappropriate to disagree, whether on doctrines or other issues, even in public. Keep in mind, though, that it is always crucial to maintain respect and never to belittle or attack.

-- It is not abusive to hold to certain standards of group conduct. It becomes abusive when others are spiritually degraded or shamed because they do not maintain the same convictions.

-- A strong leader is not automatically abusive because he or she is strong and decisive.

-- A person can be both a victim and a perpetrator at the same time.



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 17-22, 24

A Sad But Firm Introduction

Tomorrow I plan to begin delving into the nature of what has been tagged "spiritual abuse."

I have re-written and re-written these following paragraphs. It has been difficult to make typical opening remarks. Any essay in its introduction makes known the purpose for writing. But how can I be clear, without also giving away hard, cold facts? If I use a name, or cite specific events, the liberty of any and all to find themselves in the 'spiritual abuse' material, as moved, provoked, etc., is stolen. In fact, I become nearer to the very thing I claim to oppose-the abuser-when I do not allow God's Spirit to convict in the void created by non-condescension.

So, while It is regrettably tempting to point fingers, I just hope that God will change me. I still go toward accusations, in my heart all the time. But what am I saving these perpetrators to, assuming I did have a helpful effect? -- A code of ethics? A new philosophy on how to do apologetics? I like that. But no. That's not good enough. In fact, compared to the greater achievement of letting them have the grace to walk and talk to God without my soundbytes, all I can say is this: "What profit a man if he gains the whole world but along the way loses his very soul?" If I want those who oppress to extend grace instead, they must first dwell right here and now within grace. That grace will never practically arrive in their life if they are not saturated in it by me and others too. Grace is always more efficient at creating true lovingkindness, than a list of rules or code of behaviors could ever be. Our Heavenly Father disciplines true sons. So how can silence ever feel like a mistake?

I only want to find myself in this material. Where I've been injured, where I've caused pain. That should be plenty to fill the mental plate....

Silence and grace isn't a mistake... unless the problem is not yet addressed. Let me identify it now, once and hopefully nevermore. This topic is pertinent because some have oppressed many in the free grace community, whom I can generally categorize as "the heretic labelers." I have said three times behind closed doors that the heretic labelers are not unlike in kind of an abusive husband. They are ultimatum-wielding and performance-demanding, while the bulk of free grace is like the wife, cowering and speechless, in shock.
I want to ask: "Is this abuse?" Perhaps I am grossly mistaken, and if that's true then I am glad! Through the years of my own life I've been drawn beyond my preference into four cults to date (and one more volitionally), so, when I experienced poor relationships firsthand here in free grace I was in real time also ultra-aware of the larger picture. Having been around the block, what I perceive as the familiar pattern of abuse is just not sucking me in like it used to. They may quickly disparage the woman-messenger who stands up for herself. But I don't care. You all know my passion is to illuminate freedom in Christ to the non-mainstream christian sects. Being cued in on abuse, therefore, how could I hold myself back from saying something?

There are two secular models to cure the abusive. Some people say... that it can work to cure the abuse by giving in to every one of their demands and expectations and attempt to be flawless. I suppose that some might come to a point where they see how far off-base their gratifications can take a relationship, and then repent? But I've never thought that model really works. Rather I think the opposite model works, and it has achieved a lot of wellness in some former experiences. This is the one where the abused individual mimics the behavior of the abuser. Threats, demands, self-gratification, explosive anger, authoritarian attitude in all things, and unexpected exposure to the watching world.

But Christ keeps bidding me to think anew about a Godly method to both cure with deadpan truth, and yet save to faith and grace. I don't think I really need to go all that far. The fact that I just don't take it sitting down, is probably enough. The fact that I'm just not afraid, is plenty. I'll leave out the temper and mimicking and the exposure. I want the reconciliation of my brother, and to go back to being happily feminine (silent and sacrificing, if you read my blog I love this character) and teachable in this community. My usefulness is wearing down, being limited to a small variety of topics, this perhaps being a last unveiling.

I don't get it. If the free grace community puts up with the personality of one person, as the general m. o. of an abuser, then why can't there be equality with a little larger reservation at the table for one more personality, being the general m. o. of a survivor? You call that "unprofessional." And you're right. I keep trying to remember the LORD, and his personality. I wanna get there, but not without my brother.

The most important thing I can say is this: I believe that the perpetrators of abuse have undiscovered of yet been the victim of spiritual authority's neglect or abuse perhaps many, many times. I also am convinced that they have no awareness or otherwise no tools by which to grow and be better. I have no idea if I'm right. My heart bleeds. I too, as you can see in my narrative thus far, know how to be abusive. I've done it too many times to want to remember though generally not with intention to hurt, and therein lies my greatest hope that others don't mean ill either. I've made a couple serious lapses into unhealthiness while interacting in free grace. One time almost cost me a friendship.

Looking forward to building brotherly bonds in righteous relationships....

"Let's be clear again: Not all Christian leaders are abusive, nor are all spiritual systems abusive. It's also possible that healthy leaders and spiritual systems can sometimes, unintentionally, treat people in hurtful ways. There is no such thing as a perfect family or church where people don't ever get hurt. But the difference between an abusive and a non-abusive system is that while hurtful behaviors might happen in both, it is not permissible to talk about problems, hurts and abuses in the abusive system. Hence, there is no healing and restoration after the wound has occurred, and the victim is made to feel at fault for questioning or pointing out the problem." {1}



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pg. 32