Is This Abuse?

Is "recognizing spiritual abuse" part of the training for pastorship while at seminary? Have you ever heard of the term "spiritual abuse?" I don't know. I don't know what the awareness is, out there.

I thought this material is timely. The theme of the upcoming free grace conference is "Building a Grace-Driven Church." Meanwhile even I am engaged in building a friendship with a fellow blogger who, like me, is going to great effort, with considerable achievement I might add, to be brought fuller awareness of unhealthy relationships in the body of Christ. What's more, calvinist evangelical Christianity has made many disciples less secure and more fearful. Their traditional philosophy on intra-church relationships, is our inheritance. It will be the status-quo till the day we look intentionally and purposefully into the face of our own conduct amongst other Christians. Grace ought to set us free from fear and insecurity. Doctrinally--we get it. I want to take it into the practical realm. I hope that this book, like a counselor in the faith, might bring structure and peace to our relationships, beginning with myself. I have failed to obey healthy relational boundaries, from time to time. As I realize my wrongs, I will confess and ask to be forgiven.

What you read below is taken from the book "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen {1}. In a few days' time I hope to be able to share the essence of this book's most helpful punchlines. But for now, let me attempt to immerse the reader in this topic:

(portions taken from) CHAPTER ONE -- "Help Me..."

Jeri sat in the office of a Christian counselor, explaining that she felt desperate, and felt like she was going crazy. "Either that," she said dryly, "or I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough in my spiritual growth."

"Those are two big opposites," the counselor noted. "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Well," she began, choking up, "I went to my pastor a few months ago because I was feeling depressed a lot. He pegged the root problem right away, but I can't seem to do anything about it."

"Root problem..." the counselor repeated. "What was that?"

Jeri looked down at her shoe tops. "I guess I would have to say the problem is, well, me. My pastor says I'm in rebellion against God."

What unfolded was an unfortunate, and all too common, case history: Jeri's church teaches that Scripture is God's Word, the standard by which we must live. But they use it as a measure by which we gain acceptance with God rather than as a guide for living. Therefore, when she asked her pastor for help with her depression, she was given a "prescription" of praise Scriptures to memorize and repeat over and over. This, she was told, would get her mind off herself and onto God. The depression would lift when she got over her sinful self-centeredness.

Jeri had tried what the pastor suggested, but her depression didn't lift, and this raised some questions. She noted that there was a history of depression among the women in her family, and that she was presently experiencing some physical problems. Moreover, she confided to her pastor that she was struggling in her relationship with her husband, because he shrugged off responsibilities with their two teenagers who were beginning to get into trouble.

"How did he respond when you said his suggestion didn't help?"

"That's when he dropped the bomb on me," Jeri said.

The counselor did not fail to notice her choice of metaphor--the devastation Jeri was trying to portray--and asked, "What sort of 'bomb'?"

The pastor had told her, "The fact that you won't accept my counsel without raising all these objections and other possibilities was the major indication to me, Jeri, that your root problem is spiritual, not physical or emotional. When you talked about arguing with your husband, rather than submitting to him and trusting God, that confirmed it." He concluded that the other problems--emotional depression, physical illness, a troubled marriage and teenagers in turmoil--were the result of her inability to submit fully to God and His Word.

Jeri had tried to object. "I told him I felt condemned. That I felt I needed some other kind of help."

"What happened?" the counselor prompted.

"That made it worse. My pastor just smiled and said I wasn't willing to accept his counsel--so that proved he was right. That's when he used the 'R' word on me. He said, 'Jeri, you need to repent of your rebellion against God. Then all these minor problems will be taken care of.'"

. . .

Jeri never noticed that she was not receiving help, which is what she was hoping for. Instead, her spiritual position before God was being questioned and, it would appear, judged.

At the bottom of this sad, painful encounter lies perhaps the subtlest dynamic: Jeri questioned an authority who considered himself above questioning, perhaps even above error.

. . .

In a word, Jeri was manipulated. ...Jeri asked an honest question and he "pulled rank." ... What does this attitude reveal? It reveals that the pastor was, at least in this encounter, not functioning in a caring position for Jeri's benefit, though she needed him. On the contrary, it appears she was supposed to affirm and bolster him by agreeing, regardless of how she felt and whether or not his assessment of her was accurate. Upholding his position of authority was what mattered most.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being.

Spiritual abuse can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a "spiritual standard." This promotes external "spiritual performance," also without regard to an individual's actual well-being, or is used as a means of "proving" a person's spirituality.

...Spiritual abuse can be heaped upon leaders as well as followers. [The phenomenon leaves individuals of any position] bearing a weight of guilt, judgment or condemnation, and confusion about their worth and standing as a Christian.

Is "Abuse" Too Strong a Word?

It's possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions, disagrees, or doesn't "behave" spiritually the way you want them to. There are spiritual systems in which what people think, how they feel and what they need or want does not matter. People's needs go unmet. In these systems, the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders: needs for power, importance, intimacy, value--really, self-related needs. These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion in the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse.

This is Not a Witch-Hunt

[This phenomenon] is not confined to cults but actually happening (sad to say) in the body of Christ. It's also important for you to understand this: Any one of us can forget about the empowering grace by which we're to live the Christian life, and to act or speak in a way that spiritually abuses others. ...We are not suggesting that anyone start a "witch hunt" to seek and destroy abusers.

-- It is not abusive for a spiritual leader to make final decisions using her best judgment, ...choosing to go against your opinion.

-- It is not abusive when a Christian confronts another Christian because of sin, wrongdoing or even honest mistakes that must be corrected. The objective, of course, is not to shame or discredit, but to heal, save and restore.

-- It is not abusive when a person in ministry or leadership is asked to step down because of emotional, physical, mental or spiritual problems. The goal, however, must be on helping the individual to receive help, so as to eventually return to their office or position if that is the best action.

-- It is not spiritually abusive or inappropriate to disagree, whether on doctrines or other issues, even in public. Keep in mind, though, that it is always crucial to maintain respect and never to belittle or attack.

-- It is not abusive to hold to certain standards of group conduct. It becomes abusive when others are spiritually degraded or shamed because they do not maintain the same convictions.

-- A strong leader is not automatically abusive because he or she is strong and decisive.

-- A person can be both a victim and a perpetrator at the same time.



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 17-22, 24