Unspoken Rules {1}

In abusive spiritual systems, people's lives are controlled from the outside in by rules, spoken and unspoken. Because [the rules] are not said out loud, you don't find out that they're there until you break them.

For instance, no one at a church gathering would ever say out loud, 'You know we must never disagree with the pastor on his sermons - and if you do you will never be trusted and never be allowed to minister in any capacity in this church.' In this case, the unspoken rule is: Do not disagree with the church authorities - especially the pastor - or your loyalty will be suspect. Rules like this remain unspoken because examining them in the light of mature dialogue would instantly reveal how illogical, unhealthy and anti-Christian they are. So silence becomes the fortress wall of protection, shielding the pastor's power from scrutiny or challenge.

If you did disagree openly or publicly, you would break the silence - and you would quite likely be punished. You will suffer one of two consequences: either neglect (being ignored, overlooked, shunned) or aggressive legalism (questioned, openly censured, asked to leave - in extreme cases cursed).

Ephesians 4:25 says:

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."

The 'Can't Talk' Rule

If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated.

Those who speak up are most often told, "You were angry - you didn't confront the matter in a 'loving' way. So it proves you weren't handling the matter in a mature, Christian manner." Or, they say "The problem is not that your boundaries were crossed and violated, the problem is that you talked."

The real problem, however, is that if a Christian who feels violated stops talking, then the perpetrator will never be held accountable for his behavior.

In abusive spiritual systems, there exists a "pretend peace" -- what the prophet Jeremiah decried, saying, "The prophets say 'peace, peace,' when there is none." If what unites us is our pretending to agree, then we have nothing more than pretend peace and unity, with undercurrents of tension and backbiting.

Leaders are more accountable because of their position of authority - not less accountable. Why? Because if you are a leader people are following you, behaving the way you do. You are spiritually producing after your own kind. What are you reproducing?



{1} "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing & Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church," by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Bethany House Publishers, 1991; pp. 67-69