Hope

Well that wasn't too bad. Actually it felt all good. I met with Bonnie this morning. She understands.

Driving home I felt like a burden had lifted. And then that's when I reviewed how dire it seems, and cried afresh over it.

It's so bad that a couple nights ago I said to myself, "Can I just... not be a Christian anymore? Say that I don't believe in God?" I wish that I could just be let go from my conscience, and be free to live life like He's not real, like a heathen, like someone consumed by the world. It looks like it feels like relief.

How can someone who is so dire, dare to try and serve God through any kind of speech or action? That's something I can't answer. For a long time I thought it was folly. Now I think it's possible, but maybe just when I am thinking about others, and the gospel, like I said in my previous blog.

When I look at myself there is no reason to expect progress. I know where I am, I know that my circumstances pretty much can't get better, and I know that I honestly want to be done. It's only the people I love and the truth that is a message of hope which makes me try and fight and believe that maybe I too, can be redeemed.