Option #3

I have my long list of all the things I want to have cleaned by the time we go. But you know, it disturbs me as I go along my list today because in my mind I hear the word of God condemning me:

"You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matt 23:25-26

So I keep asking myself "what's the point?" I won't let myself become deluded to think that I am serving God in all that I do if inwardly I have mixed interest in doing things His way, and occasionally run away from Him. What the heck is that?

And I wouldn't run away from Him, if I knew what to make of my willingness to ultimately not choose Him in competition with my own self-ambition, in one particular facet as I have been discussing in my blogs recently.

You know, it's amazing how one little issue can ruin the whole of my ability to be available for God's use.

I've explored the options, because I won't go on like this. First option, hide. Second option, surrender my issue. I've tried hide, and it's not too fun; I feel like a fish out of water. Surrender? No; that's what I've been trying to say; I'm stubborn, and I'm not willing, on principle.

This morning I realized there was a third option: Turn and ask for help; "because they would not turn and let me heal them." God's Spirit is already here with me, and you'd think that'd be enough. But what I need in this extreme case is to be something greater than what I already am. If I can't choose my way into fellowship, then what I need has to come from someplace else.

If He can show me a new way to consider my aspirations, then maybe I'd choose better, choose the right. Well, I have enough faith for that. Let's wait and see what He gives.