I have a weird life

Ever since I read about the life of Joseph in Genesis some weird stuff has been happening in my head.

It's all confusing.

Sometimes I think God is giving me a promise, and other times I think I am arrogantly creating a whopping sense for self-righteousness in me.

Here's what I do know so far:

The story of Joseph, in his sufferings and exaultation, creates a strong reaction in me. I have many pieces of Joseph's puzzle in my own life, from being blessed abundantly beyond an enemy's touch later in life, to experiencing a time of more intense suffering beforehand, to understanding that like him, I, too, have a gift for prophecy. He felt alone and abandoned by his brothers. I have been having a bumpy time relating well to those in my church, and have been left alone from my peers in Christ too.

So these qualities of my life never really amounted to much of my particular notice or even care. I always like a fly on the window attempted to create friendly or intimate relationships with those in my church, but magically it doesn't work out for me like it does every other woman I know. But now that I see the end result of Joseph's alone-years, I wonder, is God preparing me too for something great (displaying his glory)?

So lately now I keep analyzing myself to see if I measure up well when I am tested. And I often don't. In fact in a lot of ways I have a long, long way to go. So maybe I'm totally reading "too much" into Genesis, I wonder.

Even if you take away all the "coincidences" of the similarities between us, I am still left with one thing that I know now isn't going to go away: I desire to serve Christ. I want the kind of life that loves God so much and is willing to do anything for Him that He might really let his power flow through me for the sake of others. I can't rid myself of this desire; in fact, as the days pass, it only grows.

And in the meanwhile God IS utilizing it. Whoa! Joseph had to wait, and so do I need that! I'm gonna need a lot more years of quiet lack of notoriety before I could possibly be ready like Joseph was, to give all glory to God when tempted. God let me do some awesome things, being a source of a blessing's flow, and see some humungous answers to prayer this week. It was like a breeze of blessing. I don't know why this is happening. I almost want God to take it back. Let me suffer in unutilization so that I won't be tempted toward pride. In fact, I think I'll pray for that.

Meanwhile I do my church activities and see how I react when I am able to do something others can't -- prideful! Dumb. I'm not any good to God if I take his glory. I don't want to be any good to God if I take his glory.

Isn't redirecting the praise to Him the whole point of being given a gift/appointed to service?

What a confusing mess I am.

Eh, throw it all into the fire and burn it. I'm not going to try and plan the future. God will show me what I am meant to be when I'm truly ready to become it.