"One thing you lack"

God said, give this to me, but he asked for my prize treasure, and like the parable of the rich young ruler when asked to sell all his posessions, I said no to Jesus.

It's just that it's so beautiful, in the minimum just on the surface, if not retaining beauty going deeper as well. What average person wouldn't aspire to attain what I all-of-a-sudden notice is just maybe coming my way? I want it, and I'm not willing to surrender.

Wait a second -- I thought I was a radical Christian. Hmm.

In the last couple years, I had given over to God the fate of my finances, my career, my family, even my children's life and death, and all my ministries. I'm sure that's a great start, maybe like the rich young ruler was self-professedly following the ten commandments since his youth. But Jesus said, "One thing you lack; go, and give this thing you are acquiring, away. Then you will have treasure in heaven."

Oh; so maybe this is the answer for those who take note of the blessings given to Joseph-types, and desire to qualify with God to model Christ as he did. Didn't I lately ask God for authority to administer the truth in a more powerful means? Yes, I did.

Well, He said to me, if you want to be a leader you must first learn how to follow.

Blink... however: I'm bucking, I'm bucking. Double-minded. Hands in both pots. Feel very guilty; finished. Felt like walking away from God altogether.

Haven't I blogged plenty of sermons on delight in suffering all things for Him? That's why I'm shocked at my current greed, and feeling so guilty.

Then this crazy thing happened on Tuesday where this crazy Christian woman was used by God to give me His timely message, "When Satan discourages you, don't give in. FIGHT!" By "fight," she means, believe that there is a way out, believe that God can forgive and aide us when we confess our problem, 1 john 1:9.

With all my intelligent "counsel" I think I have for others, I sure wish I had some for myself right now. But this advice was enough of a leg to begin to make a little progress. I keep talking to God about it, and yes, I love Him.

But I still am not ready to let this beautiful dream get thrown in the brushpile. It's mine to give or keep, and I have almost no plan to give such a thing away.

And if there is anyone who reads this and thinks, "Cha Ching! Finally she is getting the difficulty she deserves," well, you are right. Understanding that I am a sinner has always been the weak-point in my own experience of salvation, and yet it is the kind of people He came to save. It's about time I leaned on His forgiveness, and learned just a sliver of humility.