Radical

I've been going through this cycle of feeling despised of myself. And then I experience deep blessing. And then I'm very quickly back to despising myself.

It's kinda scary, because I realize that what I prayed on Nov 2nd, God answered:

"But when I am down and out, then I am assaulted emotionally to surrender all. To hope in Him, with all my soul.
If only I could always be so full of shame--it'd be to my Christian benefit."

Meanwhile I spend some of my time in this cycle being utterly contemptuous of myself and crying. But I am finding a new pathway in it.

I think I am becoming a realist. Formerly, then, I would have been a romantic.

I think I still am a romantic, just confined in the binds of the ouchiness of sin, which happens to be all around.

I have said publically that I love sacrifice. Wow; now looking back on that I am amazed to think that God was listening.

A couple of mornings ago I was following my husband driving the girls and our dog in the minivan. I remember under what pretense we purchased this vehicle--the pretense of a growing family. I was pregnant with Elizabeth at the time, but even under anticipating her birth we were sure that we were going to have more children than just two. Still, I always felt like the buy was a little bit too arrogant of us. I didn't want to be one of those people who buy a huge expensive family car when they didn't have the need for it. I remember thinking at the time, "When we have our three children, then I will finally feel justified in owning this car."

As I was driving behind them my elder daughter Grace was waving and turning her head back, and at every light I could see her little hands making "I love you" signs to me. I felt pain thinking of the missing hands, knowing of my third baby I will never have the pleasure to be my child on earth.

Later that same day God imparted powerful wisdom to me regarding my circumstance. One of those deep blessings I have found while seeking Christ instigated by my new self-loathing. God knows that my healing comes through wisdom, I don't know why; but that is what means so much to me: words. Words I can live by, hope in, rest upon. These words God gave to me were so powerful that I literally laid in my chair trembling, for about two hours. My breathing was heavy, and my heart was full of peace and purpose.

And you will not believe what I happily prayed to God at some moment in it: "God, I am ready to sacrifice more. Anything you want, Lord, you can have it."

I meant it, at the time.

But since then I sway in thought of my offer. I'm scared at times. For some impetuous reason I decided to take my daughter on a walk with me up to the corner video store last night at 7pm. There were two shootings on that very corner within the last 9 months. How could I be so dumb? Did God allow this because something is going to happen tonight, I kept worrying?? The night before thanksgiving, when people are drunk and crazy?

I felt a tremendous urge to hold onto my children, to not allow God privy over her life if it meant their harm. And I am still tossing this around tonight.

This amazing thing struck me this morning. What was next to be minimized in my life? Certainly something would be. God started to open my eyes. I am beginning to see that the next sacrifices I will be experiencing are those that have to do with aspects of my relationships with those I love. And things I permit with myself. For instance my eating habits. Food was not permitted to me like it should have been, another words I was obligated to earn it of which I often failed, when I was growing up. In college I started eating huge mounds of food. Thank God that I am only 20 pounds heavier than I was before I left home, and that entirely of being pregnant and nursing twice. It's not really a weight issue as much as it is that I know better. God is already working with me in this. It's been an off-limits realm in my heart for God, up until now. And there are two or three different other issues which have been long-overdue for some attention to start doing something about.

My heart has been experiencing the extreme. And my life is following suit.