The chicken or the egg

Which comes first? Is it my suffering which caused me to surrender my life in trust to Christ, or was it my surrender because of inspiration of the depth of His love, which caused my longing to suffer?

I can victoriously say, that as for *this* time, to God's full credit, I did not merit a jarr in the rib cage in order for Him to get my attention.

Back before the turn of the year from 2004 to 2005, I read a book I already recently quoted called "A Path Through Suffering" by Elizabeth Elliot. Not that any book should create in anyone a following and a devotion in any likeness to scripture; however, at the end of her life which was victoriously walked in intimacy to Christ, she simply has the wisdom to put the pieces together. Why should I not try and gleam, to listen, to sit at her feet and absorb what she gained at a price??

This book was able to inspire me with an all-consuming love and trust for Christ. It was so inspiring that I was able to say to the Lord back then a year ago, "Lord, I am ready to go anywhere you want. No matter what that may look like. Would you let me suffer for Christ?"

And now everyone I imagine is thinking it is time to commit me to a mental facility. It sounds crazy. But you should have seen the love and peace I saw through the illumination of that path....

Here is some evidence. God had inspired me through the peace of his love, to take a step of faith and leave my friends at LDS Digital. And then it was the next day that I found out there was something wrong with the baby.

This is the blog entry I made five days previous at Fellowship Hall, where the seed had been planted by God in a more abstract way which got flushed out in prayer that Sunday:

http://fellowship-hall.com/weblog.php?w=11&sid=5d8deaabe2f1aa1f91f8ef90c720bf5d

I consider giving up my presence with them a challenging sacrifice. But then, I was handed another, even harder one, the next day! I started to reconsider. I wondered if maybe it was still His intention for me to follow through with the sacrifice of the optional one when there was a harder one that was not optional. But it was. And in now two weeks I have walked simultaneously away from two of my loves. I never knew I could do either one of them; actually, I know that I can't. God is giving me a miraculous amount of strength. Praise the Lord.

These sufferings were not hurled at me because I am lazy in obedience and caught unaware of God's movement. Isn't that reassuring? They were meant as a fulfillment of what is in my heart, planted by God and prepared for me and in me.