Does it hurt? Yes.

Terrified.

That's how I felt during that week when I was praying. Terrified because I still can't believe that the answer He will give is not dependent on me, at all, terrified that the answer would be no and I'd be lost in confusion, terrified it might be yes and God would appoint a glory through my life that I wasn't ready to transmit.

This week of post-news has been utterly different. I'll tell you what has been hard for me.

I'm not ready to give up my baby. I want to make my case still. I can't accept that the verdict is ironclad. By Thursday I was finally forced to start some of my normal daily routein. But I felt like a traitor to leave this resting period, because it's kinda like I am disrespecting the memory of my child. Like I am giving up the fight. Like I am saying, 'It's okay with me that you won't be here.' I can't endorse that everything is normal. I can't move on from this place without giving my baby a chance.

I want to know and to hold my baby. How fundamental a right I am being denied here. I'm not afraid, because my love is bigger than that. I actually had the chance to hold my baby, but I lost that chance because I just didn't know it was there when it was. I replay that in my mind over and over, and I wish I could take it back.

I was with my nieces on Saturday for the first time since this happened. And like the millions of almost unbelievably blessed moments in the last 5 years, I once again marveled at the perfection of four little girls running around with their complementary cohort, beautiful and unique, silly and creative. I even felt my new niece/nephew move in my sister's 36-week old tummy. Yes, there is a baby in there, and I am so happy! But how many times am I going to miss mine from now on to forever? I could almost faint at the prospect of such an endurance that I cannot fathom giving.

I have come to points where I hate myself. You know it's funny because you'd think that at a time when I was so helpless to stop my own suffering that my conscience about my shortcomings wouldn't have been turned on fullblast, but it has. Wow. When God lets me see my sins in the last 2 weeks, it is like a slap across the face. I feel obliterated. I am *so ashamed* for everything I do. I cannot see the good at all in everything I am trying so hard to give away good to those who matter.

Thank God for God.

Regarding this point where I feel so deeply ashamed over myself, that was when I just was so desperate and exposed with God. And I asked Him to help me, but the help I knew I needed went so wide and so deep that I almost couldn't put words to it. When I woke up the next morning to carry out the next day's acivities, He gave me an answer to a prayer I have been waiting for for a long, long time. I had the most blessed day. I was able to do everything I felt was important and leave nothing out, and I was able to create and participate in an attitude of peace, joy, and prosperity with friends and family who gathered together. You may think that's nothing to call a miracle over, but it was something I have sorely prayed over for a long time. And He just let me experience it. I believe He wanted to show me that it was okay to cry and cry out. Because He wanted to show me the depth of His comfort and His riches.

Christ said He would cause division in the family. But He also said He would provide a family that was blessed too. So God is taking away one part of my family, and letting another bear deeper in perfection and lovingkindness in action.

If you have bore with me through reading my hurts in this post even though they are not a pleasant topic, if you have loved me enough to be unafraid of examining my sores, then I count you as a true friend to me indeed. Thanks.