Not Innocent

I'm in a tough place right now. I am beginning to wonder if I am unusually hard on myself, to my own detriment. Maybe instead it is something I ought to be proud of; or rather, to be thankful for. The harsh light I use to examine my deeds....

I want to be perfect. It seems so wrong that such a losing sinner could be used to do anything for God. I can't believe that God has appointed me to have such an impact on so many people who need the love of God and I am positioned to give it. What if I stumble? What if I stumble, big time? What if it's all hidden--under wraps--nobody knows, but I do. What if underneath it all I delight in sins, and don't want them to come to an end? To see a vast hypocrisy of my life when everyone else thinks I am following Christ day after day? No no. I DO NOT WANT TO GET STUCK THERE. That would be a tormenting mess.

I have many new open spiritual sores, all of a sudden. Spiritual attack. Gotta call on His Name.

It can't be that I am too hard on myself. Why? Because I KNOW the standard by which I ought to live, and I OUGHT to do it. I'm not coming up with any new set of stricter standards or something. I was doing right before. Now I'm not. That's going backwards. Backwards is scary.

I'm really not okay with my sin. It bothers me. Big time. I've got to be okay with the idea that I am a sinner, who, left to their own choices, would do everything for themself. I see it, I see its pervasiveness in my life. I am glad that Paul said (rom7), "Now it is not I who is sinning, but the sinful nature inside me that sins." Whew. A little relief. It's not so much something I could have really had control over.

The thing that hurts the Spirit of God inside me the most is this: I'm not innocent. I don't know how to explain this. It's like the poor man versus the rich man. The poor man is happy to share his meager meal with the stranger. But the rich man gets angry when the stranger steals stuff from his garbage can, and starts yelling and calling the police because of the mess and trespassing. I care all of a sudden about "how much I have." I want more. I can't help it. I want to be innocent again. Carefree. Ready to serve God. Content with what I have, in the way it all comes together or doesn't come together. Like I was all last week. So odd.

I believe that He lives today because He was set free from the rule of death, and the ways of deathly living. And because He is set free, so am I, by faith. That, right there; my belief--transfers that same resurrection power into my life to aid my recovery.

Jesus said (do this to) "remember me." Remember what happened at calvary. I cannot forget two things. One, He is the source of innocence; purity. He never dwelled or engaged the wrong attitudes as He did his work. His outlook was always innocent. "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted." (titus1:15) Gha! That's me. That's my prob. "Create in me a pure heart, O God." I will only have a pure mindset if I request it from God--Christ, for He is the only one in posession of it.

Two, purity is what He has given me in greater and greater amounts, since the beginning of my salvation. Suddenly I didn't see and seek sin; I sought out righteousness and its ways and thoughts. That's God's miracle Emmanuel, "God, with us." I know many times over that God is with me. I do not need worry about where this is heading. Could I turn away from God to my sin altogether? I hear this happening every day, but it can't happen to me; not according to what I believe about God. It's not that I have been given more grace than the next guy. It's just that I am more aware of its _depth_ than the next guy. I believe that once He's got me, I'm got forever, and as long as I believe it, it is indeed my reality. Strange how belief makes reality like that.

"Anyone who trusts in Him will not be put to shame." (rom10:11) Will the officials come out here and measure the depth of that one? I can't seem to see anything limiting its infinity. Except my own capacity to trust, of course. Which is why I think that power and righteousness is transferred by faith. That's one of my catch-all declarative provisions, for all my righteousness-shortages.

I can't over-trust God, on his desire and plan (promise) to sanctify those he has justified. To clean me up; to un-shame me.

After all, what man could ever hope to "finish the good race," if they did not have this deep faith in grace like I happen to have? The sinful nature can throw a lot of waste in one's general direction. It will finish off many Christians.

And Mary said,
'My soul doth magnify the Lord,
And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
For he that is Mighty has done
mighty things in me.
Behold, from henceforth all generations
shall call me blessed.' paraphrased luke 1:46-49

I love that phrase and I have never forgotten it: 'my soul doth magnify the Lord.' I believe my understanding and use of grace, do the same. Meaning, my trust that God's grace is and will forever, hold me as judged clean and acceptable in His sight at judgment. No matter what I do. Blasphemous, to many religions. But if I care about obeying God, then it proves that I am worthy of such a grace. And as seared as my conscience is, compared to others, what man could judge me inadequate? I will have sin with me till the day I die; God made us all so, we are not delivered from the sinful nature until He returns. What makes any difference therefore is how much we love Him; how much sin we have put away from our man because He first loved us. And when I know He accepts and empowers me endlessly, I desire to obey Him endlessly. Powerful, this nearly-blasphemous state of grace.

I don't know what's going on this weekend, but I know God will not leave me stranded. He will not leave me alone. He'll move me back with His firm and gentle ways. He doesn't want a slob wearing the name of Christ.

"However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness." (rom4:5) The bible was written for people like me.