Baby #3

Okay, so when I said yesterday that I was laid low I decided to leave out the most important issue of why I was tossed about. So I'll tell you now. Because I didn't know if it was right to mention it since there might not be a decision for another baby and friends and family will read this and then pester me for more information, which I am not ready to give yet.

I feel my mothering instinct very strongly in the last couple of months.

I see babies and almost cry. They make me light up. Especially boys. I have none. I dream a lot about having a boy whom Ben could raise and I could watch him train and teach. I left my girls overnight at the in-laws last weekend, and it made me so angry that they were gone, that I just felt like going back over and getting them. Totally irrational.

I am so pleased at the bond baby-making potentially creates between my husband and I, as it is designed to do. There's something about being off birth control in a decisive way by both partners that just makes everything seem more loving. It is a feeling of committment that is very real and tangible in the moment, knowing that this could be the day that another child is made. It says "I'm with you" like very little has similar power to say. Mmm.

I also consider the changes of my body, and the aches I know pregnancy will bring. I know that a real surly attitude waits under the surface of a lot of bodily strain. Not a good thing to know. Being so far removed from pregnancy and breast feeding, I am feeling more than ever like a woman again. I look more reasonable. It is ironic that my sense of feminity, at its height, brings out the strongest desires to conceive, to walk that road of transformation, where all feminity is lost in my mind. I ought to just be glad that I get to experience both of these extreme points in their due time. One makes the other, and the other makes the one.

If I were pregnant again, would I have the energy to watch other kids? For a timeline with a horizon, to be sure. And that also worries me. Because I do not feel my heart ready to surrender the kids under my care. I have just as strong an instinct to help children who need to be watched as much as I do to stay at home with my own kids. So there is a possible delimma--which is better? To bring yet another child into the world, or to commit to loving the ones who are already here? I can not make up my mind between the two as to which one is more right, or right to me. The same heart of mine spurs both loves.

I always wanted to have a baby in February. My other two are born four months forward and backward from this month. There's no major holidays, no other competing birthdays, not too close to Christmas. I could be pregnant during the winter months, when it isn't hot out. If I aim a wheel at mid february, that means that I would need to conceive a child during... the week of the 20-somethings of May. That's in a couple of days. Feeling the pressure.

My sister is pregnant again. Isn't that wonderful? Baby #3. Our first two pregnancies have been simotaneous, and all have produced girls. I want to be pregnant with her again, although I realize this is not the most important consideration. I have been praying every day the same prayer "Lord, if this is the right time for me too, let us both have boys, and then let that be the end of it." I hold on to that prayer, knowing that I really don't know how important this is--God is so much wiser. Who's to say that when I am 35 that I would not want another child again, despite a contrary desire today? What if I have a surprise pregnancy? I feel the danger of praying such a request.

My good friend has been accepted into the nursing program. Knowing this, knowing how close I am to being ready to start, makes me take pause. I still want to be a nurse. If I feel that in pursuing this goal I will neglect my husband, my husband's wishes, my children's need for their mom, or my obligation to be a good steward of my home, then I will surrender this goal once again. But now is a better time to go. My baby is 1+1/2 now, and she is ready for disattaching from mom. We have better finances, which considers my husband's wishes. I don't know.

As you can see, there is a lot to think about. And I have been entertaining most these questions for several weeks. I am going to pray for God's peace in the matter. Should have tried that a long time ago. It's hard to explain, but so often I avoid praying about stuff with God because I fear the answer. It's dumb, you and I both know.