I like being alone

I think I'll explain a little further.

There are lots of people I like to hang out with in very limited portions. Most of those people are the kind who enjoy me at least a little more if not a lot more, than I them. (I don't mean to sound stuck up.) Then, after some time, they notice how difficult it is for me to be social and the glimmer of spending time with me, becomes dull. And they make me their "sometimes we get together" friend, meaning not their most intimate friend.

It emotionally exhausts me to be around people too long. I can't wait, sometimes, till I am free again so that I can relax and do things which energize my life. It seems kind of strange perhaps but I need a lot of alone time in order to keep my life focused and productive. I use time away from others so that I can think and meditate to be ready for the next round of interactions.

It is unfortunate about me, that I am persuaded way down deep inside there isn't often enough variety in one human being to keep my interests up. I often know what people are going to say, and so I just have to sit and wait patiently for them to finish. Or else they are frequently doing things that I am trying to not be corrupted by.

After being around someone else, I usually prefer to slow my head from spinning out of control from all their imput by praying, reading the scriptures, or other solitary activities. Another thing which recharges me is being around children. I like it when the children are with me. It is peaceful to spend time laying on the floor staring in the eyes of a hiccuping infant. I also greatly enjoy training children or having conversations with little ones to make them say funny things to the ear of an adult. The least enjoyable group of children are the oldest ones, for me, because they talk most like an adult... but, I still enjoy them so much more than grown-ups. There are times though when I want to be away from children, too, at least every once in awhile. I'm not a perfect caregiver and I get over-taxed from time to time. I thoroughly enjoy walking or driving by myself. It feels like I'm going on a date with God and my own personal destiny.

As I think about it, I actually seek people to give me their children and have the parents go off and do something else not with me. That way I get all my favorite interactions.

There are times and ways that I do wish to have the company of others.

One is that very small group of adults whom I admire and adore. I got a couple of roommates in college who are upstanding, passionate lovers of Jesus Christ. We have so much more in common than just that. I suppose I could spend a great deal of time with them and wouldn't feel distracted from what is important for me to be about doing, just like I did several years ago when we lived in the same room. At this point, though, both of them live far away and I don't talk to them but once every three months. That's enough. Just knowing that they are there is most of what matters, that and trusting when I see them again it will be passionate and personal and purposeful, like long-separated lovers.

There are a couple of friends I keep along with my sister whom I go out and do girly things with. I really don't care to do anything elaborate when I am with them but I do like a reason to get dressed and "go out." We differ in either philosophy, ethics or morality, but because I've known them nearly all my life there is enough history and comfort there to enjoy their company every so often.

The other exceptional group whom I love to be with besides children and that very small group of friends, is extended family. I've either known them my whole life or am just starting to get to know them (my family or Ben's). Since they take a vested interest in me, I take a deep and bonded interest in them. They get my time and my heart unlike any random acquaintence just because we will always be together.

As for all others I know; neighbors, chuch acquaintences, etc., I do what I do with them, for them. Sometimes I have fun, here or there. It is not driven though by what I need rather by what they need. And I am happy to do that, to a point.

I like being alone. If I had to choose who in my life is my daily muse, whom I accept more than anyone to share my space? I'd choose my children.