I had scheduled to watch three kids ages 11, 7, and 2 at about 12:00 so their mom could go get a perm today. At about ten o'clock the neighborhood kids began knocking at the door asking if they could play, so I couldn't seem to get the house moderately neat as I needed to. The mom called to chit chat and she said she was still planning on arriving at 12:00 but at 11:25 the doorbell rang again and I expected to have some minor controversy such as getting bikes across the street or someone falling down as usual, but instead I found myself stammering, "You're here early!"
As the mom and I visited for 45 minutes I continued to clean here and there. Then after she left I told the kids to get their swimsuits on. Sensing the inevitable attraction of children to noise and water I immediately went out in the front yard and yelled across the street to the others that they were invited to get wet too.
Besides my three kids and the visiting three kids, the usual crew was in full effect: Brooke, 10, Jillian, 10, Ana, 10, and David, 7.
I gathered them all over to me on the deck for a conference. After I made sure I had the eye contact of the occasionally naughty ones I said, "You are free to play as you like and choose whatever games you can think of as long as you follow my one rule. I only have one: You can't do anything that someone else doesn't like. If someone is not happy about how you are playing then you have to find something else to do." I made them repeat the rule back to me. Before they departed I took a sharpie and made a disposable cup for each child with their name on it. That excludes the youngest who can't read, for whom I drew pictures of their choice. A heart, a horse, a house, and a girl playing basketball, and then I took no more requests. Get your own water from the hose, I ordered.
Since I was in-mode of making lunch I knew that the others might also be hungry, and I ended up making a total of 7 turkey sandwiches, and an extra one for the two little girls who shared a whole because when they had gotten up from their little table out on the deck, Penny, our dog, moved in and confiscated them clean and clear for which she was loudly scolded by yours truly into her kennel for over an hour (efficiently making her regret it). I also made a couple sandwiches for myself about an hour later (because that's when I got around to it). That makes ten.
I then spent a half hour sitting on the deck mashing a banana and feeding it to Elijah while being watched by four of the older girls sitting in a row, who loved to talk about babies. They were so inspired that they decided to join forces to make themselves completely devoted to meeting every one of Elijah's needs. They took him all over the house, putting him in his car seat and swinging it back and forth (taking turns), then taking him outside and sitting with him and playing with him, showing him toys, all the while talking to me every minute about their ideas of how to take care of him. As a result, I nearly finished the regular house-cleaning tasks. It was beautiful.
I made four bowls of grapes which were wiped out in about ten minutes. Lijah was completely exhausted from the attention and when I took him upstairs for some mommy time he went right out. The visiting seven-year-old girl has decided that vegetables are not for her, so I pressed her through the day to choose one that she would eat. She chose corn. Dinner time approached and I raided the pantry but only came up with two cans. Tee hee. Pulled the green beans out for back-up ammo. Heated up some baby weiners and I think I made, no less than two loaves of buttered toast. That's because, about an hour before the mother returned three Spanish girls from down the street whom I dearly love, chose today to come over and play. I had been hoping for this and had waited all summer. They are Yesenia, who is 5, her older sister Maribel, who is probably 10 or 11, and her best friend also named Yesenia and is the same age. Little Yesenia is so adorable, I've known her since she was an infant. She speaks very poor English as does the older Yesenia. They know only some basic words, but the little one wants to know the name of everything. She takes me by the hand and insists that I come and answer her questions about whatever she sees. Her questions never cease and she is unfortuantely amazed at the toys and the things to do since she comes from a poor family.
For dinner I made... 12 plates of it for the children, and another for the mom since she hadn't eaten yet. But since it was just me doing it the pressure was on. The three visiting children needed to get back in their car and go home, so I had a priority to feed them first. Little Yesenia said she was hungry. I wanted to take care of those special girls and they were also important to feed first. But because Lijah had woken up and the toaster is slow I was trying with some difficulty to make everything as streamlined as possible. Eventually whatever anyone was lacking they were stuffed over with by toast. Toast is always awesome like that.
I cleaned up the mess I made and all the plates left out, fed Lijah remainder green beans and started real dinner for Ben and I on the grill, then visited some more with the children and, one by one, the kids dropped off, said goodbye and went home.
I realized, looking back, why it was that I am so exhausted. With that many kids my mind just goes into crisis mode. Once that happens I see everything like Schindler's List. Oh, I could have filled the remainder dishes in the washer. Oh, I could have wiped up the water tracks a little faster. Oh, if only I could have spent some more time sitting with the girls and letting them try and teach me Spanish. If only.
About an hour after "real" dinner was done, I laid back into the couch next to my husband, and laughed at the tv. It felt good to have met needs as best I could.
If only every day I would be so challenged by 13 kids, maybe the house would always be clean!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Comments on Community
Last Sunday was the second of four Sunday morning service sermons given by an interim pastor, Dr. Stratos. This is come about, you might find it big news to learn, because our pastor of seven years was called to shepherd another congregation in Phoenix, Arizona and left us mid-August.
Dr. Stratos made a comment on how the rise of fundamentalist Christianity, and its culture of pointing to the Word of God for conduct in life, while good, has unfortunately created arbitrary lines in the sand between us and everyone else who doesn't live like we do. It's a discomfort which he said needed to be abolished in our hearts before God could use us to love on others not only within our church but especially outside of it, and win people to Christ. And I firmly agree.
Bonhoeffer describes in the previous post's excerpts that Christian fellowship is fashioned by God and held together by the authority of the Word. But I also think there is equal value to apply his writings to community of any kind where we evangelicals are bound with those that (may or) may not be saved.
As I can hear at this moment in my mind Stratos reminding us in his sermon, were not the homeless and criminals and more, created in the image of God? Just like anyone, they are waiting for someone to come and be Jesus to them. To love on them, and show them Jesus, in us. That is how they will come to know and believe in Him.
Here is what Bonhoeffer said:
A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattererd, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.
And the same is true for communities in the general manner. If we cannot bear the people who are markedly different than us, then how believable is it that Jesus does?
I've spent four and a half years being in community with a group of LDS people. Unfortunately, I have to report that when I began I was the kind of Christian who could not tolerate differences, as Bonhoeffer says I was one who brought "with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it." I had a specific way of reading and believing upon the scriptures and history which they would be best to adhere no matter how inconsequential the matter. I experienced great disillusionment as well, when despite all my careful efforts and explanations, no one ever chose to believe as I had taught was necessary. I was proud and one would think that I could not have made any friends.
But the exact opposite took place. They were patient, forgiving, caring, and always listening even if rarely budging. This really amazed me, and revolutionized my approach as I was convicted of how judgmental of them, of God, and therefore of myself I had been. I learned what community should be, what it is as God intended, what it is under grace, what it is as one of God's fellow children, from them. I experienced the very grace I preached, from those I imposed upon.
I do not know how it came that I was blessed to be caught up with them. I do know, though, that it is all to someone else's credit and not mine.
I am all the more strengthened in gladness of our gospel of grace. If they and I cannot bear the weaknesses in one another, how are we to believe that Jesus does??
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for the brethren to dwell together in unity."
Dr. Stratos made a comment on how the rise of fundamentalist Christianity, and its culture of pointing to the Word of God for conduct in life, while good, has unfortunately created arbitrary lines in the sand between us and everyone else who doesn't live like we do. It's a discomfort which he said needed to be abolished in our hearts before God could use us to love on others not only within our church but especially outside of it, and win people to Christ. And I firmly agree.
Bonhoeffer describes in the previous post's excerpts that Christian fellowship is fashioned by God and held together by the authority of the Word. But I also think there is equal value to apply his writings to community of any kind where we evangelicals are bound with those that (may or) may not be saved.
As I can hear at this moment in my mind Stratos reminding us in his sermon, were not the homeless and criminals and more, created in the image of God? Just like anyone, they are waiting for someone to come and be Jesus to them. To love on them, and show them Jesus, in us. That is how they will come to know and believe in Him.
Here is what Bonhoeffer said:
A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattererd, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.
And the same is true for communities in the general manner. If we cannot bear the people who are markedly different than us, then how believable is it that Jesus does?
I've spent four and a half years being in community with a group of LDS people. Unfortunately, I have to report that when I began I was the kind of Christian who could not tolerate differences, as Bonhoeffer says I was one who brought "with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it." I had a specific way of reading and believing upon the scriptures and history which they would be best to adhere no matter how inconsequential the matter. I experienced great disillusionment as well, when despite all my careful efforts and explanations, no one ever chose to believe as I had taught was necessary. I was proud and one would think that I could not have made any friends.
But the exact opposite took place. They were patient, forgiving, caring, and always listening even if rarely budging. This really amazed me, and revolutionized my approach as I was convicted of how judgmental of them, of God, and therefore of myself I had been. I learned what community should be, what it is as God intended, what it is under grace, what it is as one of God's fellow children, from them. I experienced the very grace I preached, from those I imposed upon.
I do not know how it came that I was blessed to be caught up with them. I do know, though, that it is all to someone else's credit and not mine.
I am all the more strengthened in gladness of our gospel of grace. If they and I cannot bear the weaknesses in one another, how are we to believe that Jesus does??
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for the brethren to dwell together in unity."
Community
On Community with Christians
"
In Christian brotherhood everything depends upon its being clear right from the beginning, first, that Christian brotherhood is not an ideal, but a divine reality. Second, that Christian brotherhood is a spiritual and not a psychic reality.
Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God's grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.
By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over us like a dream. God is not a God of the emotions but the God of truth. Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both. A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattererd, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.
God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. ... He stands adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren. He acts as if he is the creator of the Christian community, as if his dream binds men together. ... So he becomes, first an accuser of his brethren, then an accuser of God, and finally the despairing accuser of himself.
Because God has already laid the only foundation of our fellowship, because God has bound us together in one body with other Christians in Jesus Christ, long before we entered into common life with them, we enter into that common life not as demanders but as thankful recipients. ... Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ? Thus the very hour of disillusionment with my brother becomes incomparably salutary, because it so thoroughly teaches me that neither of us can ever live by our own words and deeds, but only by the one Word and Deed which really binds us together -- the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ.
...
The exclusion of the weak and insignificant, the seemingly useless people, from a Christian community may actually mean the exclusion of Christ; in the poor brother Christ is knocking at the door.
...
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for the brethren to dwell together in unity" -- this is the Scripture's praise of life together under the Word.
"
-- pp. 26-28, 38, 39
"
In Christian brotherhood everything depends upon its being clear right from the beginning, first, that Christian brotherhood is not an ideal, but a divine reality. Second, that Christian brotherhood is a spiritual and not a psychic reality.
Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God's grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.
By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over us like a dream. God is not a God of the emotions but the God of truth. Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both. A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattererd, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.
God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. ... He stands adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren. He acts as if he is the creator of the Christian community, as if his dream binds men together. ... So he becomes, first an accuser of his brethren, then an accuser of God, and finally the despairing accuser of himself.
Because God has already laid the only foundation of our fellowship, because God has bound us together in one body with other Christians in Jesus Christ, long before we entered into common life with them, we enter into that common life not as demanders but as thankful recipients. ... Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ? Thus the very hour of disillusionment with my brother becomes incomparably salutary, because it so thoroughly teaches me that neither of us can ever live by our own words and deeds, but only by the one Word and Deed which really binds us together -- the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ.
...
The exclusion of the weak and insignificant, the seemingly useless people, from a Christian community may actually mean the exclusion of Christ; in the poor brother Christ is knocking at the door.
...
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for the brethren to dwell together in unity" -- this is the Scripture's praise of life together under the Word.
"
-- pp. 26-28, 38, 39
Friday, August 24, 2007
Critique of Human and Spiritual Love
In my opinion this book is very useful to understand how important purely Spiritual forces (as opposed to the desires of men) are the ones that make and keep fellowship within a congregation for its health. I do believe that there is a value and purpose for "human love" to operate within the church for the sake of its strength. Unfortunately I don't have a discourse to quote, just personal experience in order to back up my opinion....
--"The community of the Spirit is the fellowship of those who are called by Christ; human community of spirit is the fellowship of devout souls."
There was a good deal of wisdom in this concept, especially in light of the last blog entry I made on my personal preference to often be alone. Human community, in my case as in most any, is comprised of maximizing time around those whom one finds most approvable and ideal, and decreasing the opposite kind of company. But this is not how God wants us to live.
--"...in human community of spirit there grows the dark love of good and evil desire, eros."
It is important to pay attention that eros is composed of both bad and good desires.
--" In the former there is ordered, brotherly service, in the latter disordered desire for pleasure; in the former humble subjection to the brethren, in the latter humble yet haughty subjection of a brother to one's own desire. "
It could also be argued that there is a kind of eros, or desire, operating within the community of Spirit (agape), because as one believes and trusts in God's work in men, they become satisfied and comforted in those passions, confident they will be met by a God who is listening.
--"He has been overpowered, but not won over by the thing itself. Here is where the humanly converted person breaks down and thus makes it evident that his conversion was effected, not by the Holy Spirit, but by a man, and therefore has no stability."
This is a valuable insight for those times and persons who struggle to capture a real sense of identity and independence from values and regulations of peers.
--"...human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for human community. So long as it can satisfy this desire in some way, it will not give it up, even for the sake of truth, even for the sake of genuine love for others. But where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short -- namely, in the face of an enemy. There it turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny."
This is not true if speaking of Christians, who know and are driven by both human motivations and Spiritual motivations. Human love and longing for "fusion" with another was part of God's design for us. God created man so to share His love with another. Jesus Christ, while a man, longed to be fulfilled with the closeness of those who loved him. "Father, why have you forsaken me?" "I have longed to share this passover with you." In these examples we see that Jesus did not pine just for fellowship from above but also from those on the earth. Therefore I would edit Bonhoeffer's statement to say: "human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for community (in general)." To think that it is ungodly, or unSpiritual, to find fulfillment in the face of another human being, is to deny the way that God made us, and the way that God has used the church to edify, uplift and satisfy the purpose for which we are created; in short, to live love.
--"Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love. The other person needs to retain his independence of me..."
I guess this perspective would find itself in many ways at odds with the concept of "lifestyle evangelism."
It is true to a point that, when we find fulfillment on earth with a kindred spirit and the experience of being close to such a person, the voice and presence and realness of God becomes lessened and less important to cultivate. So for those who are struggling with faith, perhaps this kind of earthly fulfillment is at odds with Spiritual growth.
However they are not always at odds. Can not an accountability partner also be admirable and desireable? I have a mentor who has been by my side for serveral years now, and while she attempts to regulate me when we are together she has not replaced or diminshed the realness of God but rather made my sensitivity to God's salvation stronger. Would not such a relationship be characterized roughly in the same way Bonhoeffer describes: "in the human community of spirit there rules, along with the Word, the man who is furnished with exceptional powers, experience, and magical, suggestive capacities"?
He is on target saying desire is what rules the human goal of community, and so what we seek and what we build can become sinful or imbalanced to deny the Spirit of God, to varying degrees. It is true that those whom I desire to be close to can become an end in itself. But as a Christian my testimony is this: the eros in me, the desires I have, do not always serve myself above others. I can say that where I admired someone I was also aware that true love called me, teaching me the corollary of God and His boundaries, which make the experience of loving a person more powerful and satisfying. Agape was born of eros. Yes, Christians are from time to time slow to obey God and, at times, make mistakes to desire human fellowship beyond what they ought. It is also true that we make the mistake of rejecting human fellowship more than we ought. But the point, as Julie and I have already discovered through an intense but brief discussion of the matter, is more importantly about learning to surrender. When we become aware that we have drifted too far off course of loving in Christ's way, a way that is letting the other person be free to believe God, we have a choice to keep on or to surrender and admit that it has turned off course. When we surrender we learn so many important things. We learn self-control from the LORD, we learn to hope the best in others, we learn more about God's grace. As Julie said, if it is all about surrender, then knowing and needing God's mercy every moment is the most pleasing way to live for God.
So, desires in themself are not bad. They are God-given that we might learn endurance through trials, to refine our faith, to transform us into His likeness.
--"The community of the Spirit is the fellowship of those who are called by Christ; human community of spirit is the fellowship of devout souls."
There was a good deal of wisdom in this concept, especially in light of the last blog entry I made on my personal preference to often be alone. Human community, in my case as in most any, is comprised of maximizing time around those whom one finds most approvable and ideal, and decreasing the opposite kind of company. But this is not how God wants us to live.
--"...in human community of spirit there grows the dark love of good and evil desire, eros."
It is important to pay attention that eros is composed of both bad and good desires.
--" In the former there is ordered, brotherly service, in the latter disordered desire for pleasure; in the former humble subjection to the brethren, in the latter humble yet haughty subjection of a brother to one's own desire. "
It could also be argued that there is a kind of eros, or desire, operating within the community of Spirit (agape), because as one believes and trusts in God's work in men, they become satisfied and comforted in those passions, confident they will be met by a God who is listening.
--"He has been overpowered, but not won over by the thing itself. Here is where the humanly converted person breaks down and thus makes it evident that his conversion was effected, not by the Holy Spirit, but by a man, and therefore has no stability."
This is a valuable insight for those times and persons who struggle to capture a real sense of identity and independence from values and regulations of peers.
--"...human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for human community. So long as it can satisfy this desire in some way, it will not give it up, even for the sake of truth, even for the sake of genuine love for others. But where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short -- namely, in the face of an enemy. There it turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny."
This is not true if speaking of Christians, who know and are driven by both human motivations and Spiritual motivations. Human love and longing for "fusion" with another was part of God's design for us. God created man so to share His love with another. Jesus Christ, while a man, longed to be fulfilled with the closeness of those who loved him. "Father, why have you forsaken me?" "I have longed to share this passover with you." In these examples we see that Jesus did not pine just for fellowship from above but also from those on the earth. Therefore I would edit Bonhoeffer's statement to say: "human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for community (in general)." To think that it is ungodly, or unSpiritual, to find fulfillment in the face of another human being, is to deny the way that God made us, and the way that God has used the church to edify, uplift and satisfy the purpose for which we are created; in short, to live love.
--"Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love. The other person needs to retain his independence of me..."
I guess this perspective would find itself in many ways at odds with the concept of "lifestyle evangelism."
It is true to a point that, when we find fulfillment on earth with a kindred spirit and the experience of being close to such a person, the voice and presence and realness of God becomes lessened and less important to cultivate. So for those who are struggling with faith, perhaps this kind of earthly fulfillment is at odds with Spiritual growth.
However they are not always at odds. Can not an accountability partner also be admirable and desireable? I have a mentor who has been by my side for serveral years now, and while she attempts to regulate me when we are together she has not replaced or diminshed the realness of God but rather made my sensitivity to God's salvation stronger. Would not such a relationship be characterized roughly in the same way Bonhoeffer describes: "in the human community of spirit there rules, along with the Word, the man who is furnished with exceptional powers, experience, and magical, suggestive capacities"?
He is on target saying desire is what rules the human goal of community, and so what we seek and what we build can become sinful or imbalanced to deny the Spirit of God, to varying degrees. It is true that those whom I desire to be close to can become an end in itself. But as a Christian my testimony is this: the eros in me, the desires I have, do not always serve myself above others. I can say that where I admired someone I was also aware that true love called me, teaching me the corollary of God and His boundaries, which make the experience of loving a person more powerful and satisfying. Agape was born of eros. Yes, Christians are from time to time slow to obey God and, at times, make mistakes to desire human fellowship beyond what they ought. It is also true that we make the mistake of rejecting human fellowship more than we ought. But the point, as Julie and I have already discovered through an intense but brief discussion of the matter, is more importantly about learning to surrender. When we become aware that we have drifted too far off course of loving in Christ's way, a way that is letting the other person be free to believe God, we have a choice to keep on or to surrender and admit that it has turned off course. When we surrender we learn so many important things. We learn self-control from the LORD, we learn to hope the best in others, we learn more about God's grace. As Julie said, if it is all about surrender, then knowing and needing God's mercy every moment is the most pleasing way to live for God.
So, desires in themself are not bad. They are God-given that we might learn endurance through trials, to refine our faith, to transform us into His likeness.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Human and Spiritual Love
This book just walked into my life.
"
Because Christian community is founded solely on Jesus Christ, it is a spiritual and not a psychic reality. ... The basis of all spiritual reality is the clear, manifest Word of God in Jesus Christ. The basis of all human reality is the dark, turbid urges and desires of the human mind. The basis of the community of the Spirit is truth; the basis of the human community is desire. ... The community of the Spirit is the fellowship of those who are called by Christ; human community of spirit is the fellowship of devout souls. In the community of the Spirit there burns the bright love of brotherly service, agape; in human community of spirit there grows the dark love of good and evil desire, eros. In the former there is ordered, brotherly service, in the latter disordered desire for pleasure; in the former humble subjection to the brethren, in the latter humble yet haughty subjection of a brother to one's own desire. In the community of the Spirit of the Word of God alone rules; in the human community of spirit there rules, along with the Word, the man who is furnished with exceptional powers, experience, and magical, suggestive capacities. There God's Word alone is binding; here, besides the Word, men bind others to themselves. There all power, honor and dominion are surrendered to the Holy Spirit, here spheres of human influence of a personal nature are sought and cultivated. It is true, in so far as these are devout men, that they do this with the intention of serving the highest and the best, but in actuality the result is to dethrone the Holy Spirit, to relegate Him to remote unreality. In actuality, it is only the human that is operative here. In the Spiritual realm the Spirit governs; in human community, psychological techniques and methods. In the former naive, unpsychological, unmethodical, helping love is extended toward one's brother; in the latter psychological analysis and construction; in the one the service is simple and humble; in the other service consists of a searching, calculating analysis of a stranger.
Perhaps the contrast between spiritual and human reality can be made most clear in the following observation: Within the spiritual community there is never, nor in any way any "immediate" relationship of one to another, whereas human community expresses a profound, elemental, human desire for community, for immediate contact with other human souls, just as in the flesh there is the urge for physical merger with other flesh. Such desire of the human soul seeks a complete fusion of I and Thou, whether this occur in the union of love or, what is after all the same thing, in the forcing of another person into one's sphere of power and element, securing for himself the admiration, the love, or the fear of the weak. Here human ties, suggestions, and bonds are everything, and in the immediate community of souls we have reflected the distorted image of everything that is originally and solely peculiar to community mediated through Christ.
Thus there is a thing as human absorption. It appears in all forms of conversion wherever the superior power of one person is consciously or unconsciously misused to influence profoundly and draw into his spell another individual or a whole community. Here one soul operates directly upon another soul. The weak have been overcome by the strong, the resistance of the weak has broken down under the influence of another person. He has been overpowered, but not won over by the thing itself. This becomes evident as soon as the demand is made that he throw himself into the cause itself, independently of the person to whom he is bound, or possibly in opposition to this person. Here is where the humanly converted person breaks down and thus makes it evident that his conversion was effected, not by the Holy Spirit, but by a man, and therefore has no stability.
Likewise, there is a human love of one's neighbor. Such passion is capable of prodigious sacrifices. Often it far surpasses genuine Christian love in fervent devotion and visible results. It speaks the Christian language with overwhelming and stirring eloquence. But it is what Paul is speaking of when he says: "And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned" -- in other words, though I combine the utmost deeds of love with the utmost of devotion -- "and have not charity [that is, the love of Christ], it profiteth me nothing." (I cor. 13:3) Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake, spiritual love loves him for Christ's sake. Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force. It desires to be irresistible, to rule.
Human love has little regard for truth. It makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person. Human love desires the other person, his company, his answering love, but it does not serve him. On the contrary, it continues to desire even when it seems to be serving. There are two marks, both of which are one and the same thing, that manifest the difference between spiritual and human love: Human love cannot tolerate the dissolution of a fellowship that has become false for the sake of genuine fellowship, and human love cannot love an enemy, that is, one who seriously and stubbornly resists it. Both spring from the same source: human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for human community. So long as it can satisfy this desire in some way, it will not give it up, even for the sake of truth, even for the sake of genuine love for others. But where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short -- namely, in the face of an enemy. There it turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny.
Right here is the point where spiritual love begins. This is why human love becomes personal hatred when it encounters genuine spiritual love, which does not desire but serves. Human love makes itself an end in itself. It creates of itself an end, an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything. It nurses and cultivates an ideal, it loves itself, and nothing else in the world. Spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ, it serves him alone, it knows that it has no immediate access to other persons.
Jesus Christ stands between the lover and the others he loves. I do not know in advance what love of others means on the basis of the general idea of love that grows out of my human desires -- all this may rather be hatred and an insidious kind of selfishness in the eyes of Christ. What love is, only Christ tells in his Word. Contrary to all my own opinions and convictions, Jesus Christ will tell me what love toward the brethren really is. Therefore, spiritual love is bound solely to the Word of Jesus Christ. Where Christ bids me to maintain fellowship for the sake of love, I will maintain it. Where his truth enjoins me to dissolve a fellowship for love's sake, there I will dissolve it, despite all the protests of my human love. Because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother. It originates neither in the brother nor in the enemy but in Christ and his Word. Human love can never understand spiritual love, for spiritual love is from above; it is something completely strange, new, and incomprehensible to all earthly love.
Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love. The other person needs to retain his independence of me; to be loved for what he is, as one for whom Christ became man, died, and rose again, for whom Christ bought forgiveness of sins and eternal life. Because Christ has long since acted decisively for my brother, before I could begin to act, I must leave him his freedom to be Christ's; I must meet him only through the mediation of Christ. Human love constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and what he should become. It takes the life of the other person into his own hands. Spiritual love recognizes the true image of the other person which he has received from Jesus Christ; the image that Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men.
Therefore, spiritual love proves itself in that everything it says and does commends Christ. It will not seek to move others by all too personal, direct influence, by impure interference in the life of another. It will not take pleasure in pious, human fervor and excitement. It will rather meet the other person with the clear Word of God and be ready to leave him alone with this Word for a long time, willing to release him again in order that Christ may deal with him. It will respect the line that has been drawn between him and us by Christ, and it will find full fellowship with him in the Christ who alone binds us together. Thus this spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother more than to a brother about Christ. It knows that the most direct way to others is always through prayer to Christ and that love of others is wholly dependent upon the truth in Christ. It is out of this love that John the disciple speaks. "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the truth" (3 John 4).
... The existence of any Christian life together depends on whether it succeeds at the right time in bringing out the ability to distinguish between a human ideal and God's reality, between spiritual and human community.
"
-- Life Together, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer; pp. 31-37
"
Because Christian community is founded solely on Jesus Christ, it is a spiritual and not a psychic reality. ... The basis of all spiritual reality is the clear, manifest Word of God in Jesus Christ. The basis of all human reality is the dark, turbid urges and desires of the human mind. The basis of the community of the Spirit is truth; the basis of the human community is desire. ... The community of the Spirit is the fellowship of those who are called by Christ; human community of spirit is the fellowship of devout souls. In the community of the Spirit there burns the bright love of brotherly service, agape; in human community of spirit there grows the dark love of good and evil desire, eros. In the former there is ordered, brotherly service, in the latter disordered desire for pleasure; in the former humble subjection to the brethren, in the latter humble yet haughty subjection of a brother to one's own desire. In the community of the Spirit of the Word of God alone rules; in the human community of spirit there rules, along with the Word, the man who is furnished with exceptional powers, experience, and magical, suggestive capacities. There God's Word alone is binding; here, besides the Word, men bind others to themselves. There all power, honor and dominion are surrendered to the Holy Spirit, here spheres of human influence of a personal nature are sought and cultivated. It is true, in so far as these are devout men, that they do this with the intention of serving the highest and the best, but in actuality the result is to dethrone the Holy Spirit, to relegate Him to remote unreality. In actuality, it is only the human that is operative here. In the Spiritual realm the Spirit governs; in human community, psychological techniques and methods. In the former naive, unpsychological, unmethodical, helping love is extended toward one's brother; in the latter psychological analysis and construction; in the one the service is simple and humble; in the other service consists of a searching, calculating analysis of a stranger.
Perhaps the contrast between spiritual and human reality can be made most clear in the following observation: Within the spiritual community there is never, nor in any way any "immediate" relationship of one to another, whereas human community expresses a profound, elemental, human desire for community, for immediate contact with other human souls, just as in the flesh there is the urge for physical merger with other flesh. Such desire of the human soul seeks a complete fusion of I and Thou, whether this occur in the union of love or, what is after all the same thing, in the forcing of another person into one's sphere of power and element, securing for himself the admiration, the love, or the fear of the weak. Here human ties, suggestions, and bonds are everything, and in the immediate community of souls we have reflected the distorted image of everything that is originally and solely peculiar to community mediated through Christ.
Thus there is a thing as human absorption. It appears in all forms of conversion wherever the superior power of one person is consciously or unconsciously misused to influence profoundly and draw into his spell another individual or a whole community. Here one soul operates directly upon another soul. The weak have been overcome by the strong, the resistance of the weak has broken down under the influence of another person. He has been overpowered, but not won over by the thing itself. This becomes evident as soon as the demand is made that he throw himself into the cause itself, independently of the person to whom he is bound, or possibly in opposition to this person. Here is where the humanly converted person breaks down and thus makes it evident that his conversion was effected, not by the Holy Spirit, but by a man, and therefore has no stability.
Likewise, there is a human love of one's neighbor. Such passion is capable of prodigious sacrifices. Often it far surpasses genuine Christian love in fervent devotion and visible results. It speaks the Christian language with overwhelming and stirring eloquence. But it is what Paul is speaking of when he says: "And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned" -- in other words, though I combine the utmost deeds of love with the utmost of devotion -- "and have not charity [that is, the love of Christ], it profiteth me nothing." (I cor. 13:3) Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake, spiritual love loves him for Christ's sake. Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force. It desires to be irresistible, to rule.
Human love has little regard for truth. It makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person. Human love desires the other person, his company, his answering love, but it does not serve him. On the contrary, it continues to desire even when it seems to be serving. There are two marks, both of which are one and the same thing, that manifest the difference between spiritual and human love: Human love cannot tolerate the dissolution of a fellowship that has become false for the sake of genuine fellowship, and human love cannot love an enemy, that is, one who seriously and stubbornly resists it. Both spring from the same source: human love is by its very nature desire -- desire for human community. So long as it can satisfy this desire in some way, it will not give it up, even for the sake of truth, even for the sake of genuine love for others. But where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short -- namely, in the face of an enemy. There it turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny.
Right here is the point where spiritual love begins. This is why human love becomes personal hatred when it encounters genuine spiritual love, which does not desire but serves. Human love makes itself an end in itself. It creates of itself an end, an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything. It nurses and cultivates an ideal, it loves itself, and nothing else in the world. Spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ, it serves him alone, it knows that it has no immediate access to other persons.
Jesus Christ stands between the lover and the others he loves. I do not know in advance what love of others means on the basis of the general idea of love that grows out of my human desires -- all this may rather be hatred and an insidious kind of selfishness in the eyes of Christ. What love is, only Christ tells in his Word. Contrary to all my own opinions and convictions, Jesus Christ will tell me what love toward the brethren really is. Therefore, spiritual love is bound solely to the Word of Jesus Christ. Where Christ bids me to maintain fellowship for the sake of love, I will maintain it. Where his truth enjoins me to dissolve a fellowship for love's sake, there I will dissolve it, despite all the protests of my human love. Because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother. It originates neither in the brother nor in the enemy but in Christ and his Word. Human love can never understand spiritual love, for spiritual love is from above; it is something completely strange, new, and incomprehensible to all earthly love.
Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love. The other person needs to retain his independence of me; to be loved for what he is, as one for whom Christ became man, died, and rose again, for whom Christ bought forgiveness of sins and eternal life. Because Christ has long since acted decisively for my brother, before I could begin to act, I must leave him his freedom to be Christ's; I must meet him only through the mediation of Christ. Human love constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and what he should become. It takes the life of the other person into his own hands. Spiritual love recognizes the true image of the other person which he has received from Jesus Christ; the image that Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men.
Therefore, spiritual love proves itself in that everything it says and does commends Christ. It will not seek to move others by all too personal, direct influence, by impure interference in the life of another. It will not take pleasure in pious, human fervor and excitement. It will rather meet the other person with the clear Word of God and be ready to leave him alone with this Word for a long time, willing to release him again in order that Christ may deal with him. It will respect the line that has been drawn between him and us by Christ, and it will find full fellowship with him in the Christ who alone binds us together. Thus this spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother more than to a brother about Christ. It knows that the most direct way to others is always through prayer to Christ and that love of others is wholly dependent upon the truth in Christ. It is out of this love that John the disciple speaks. "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the truth" (3 John 4).
... The existence of any Christian life together depends on whether it succeeds at the right time in bringing out the ability to distinguish between a human ideal and God's reality, between spiritual and human community.
"
-- Life Together, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer; pp. 31-37
I like being alone
I think I'll explain a little further.
There are lots of people I like to hang out with in very limited portions. Most of those people are the kind who enjoy me at least a little more if not a lot more, than I them. (I don't mean to sound stuck up.) Then, after some time, they notice how difficult it is for me to be social and the glimmer of spending time with me, becomes dull. And they make me their "sometimes we get together" friend, meaning not their most intimate friend.
It emotionally exhausts me to be around people too long. I can't wait, sometimes, till I am free again so that I can relax and do things which energize my life. It seems kind of strange perhaps but I need a lot of alone time in order to keep my life focused and productive. I use time away from others so that I can think and meditate to be ready for the next round of interactions.
It is unfortunate about me, that I am persuaded way down deep inside there isn't often enough variety in one human being to keep my interests up. I often know what people are going to say, and so I just have to sit and wait patiently for them to finish. Or else they are frequently doing things that I am trying to not be corrupted by.
After being around someone else, I usually prefer to slow my head from spinning out of control from all their imput by praying, reading the scriptures, or other solitary activities. Another thing which recharges me is being around children. I like it when the children are with me. It is peaceful to spend time laying on the floor staring in the eyes of a hiccuping infant. I also greatly enjoy training children or having conversations with little ones to make them say funny things to the ear of an adult. The least enjoyable group of children are the oldest ones, for me, because they talk most like an adult... but, I still enjoy them so much more than grown-ups. There are times though when I want to be away from children, too, at least every once in awhile. I'm not a perfect caregiver and I get over-taxed from time to time. I thoroughly enjoy walking or driving by myself. It feels like I'm going on a date with God and my own personal destiny.
As I think about it, I actually seek people to give me their children and have the parents go off and do something else not with me. That way I get all my favorite interactions.
There are times and ways that I do wish to have the company of others.
One is that very small group of adults whom I admire and adore. I got a couple of roommates in college who are upstanding, passionate lovers of Jesus Christ. We have so much more in common than just that. I suppose I could spend a great deal of time with them and wouldn't feel distracted from what is important for me to be about doing, just like I did several years ago when we lived in the same room. At this point, though, both of them live far away and I don't talk to them but once every three months. That's enough. Just knowing that they are there is most of what matters, that and trusting when I see them again it will be passionate and personal and purposeful, like long-separated lovers.
There are a couple of friends I keep along with my sister whom I go out and do girly things with. I really don't care to do anything elaborate when I am with them but I do like a reason to get dressed and "go out." We differ in either philosophy, ethics or morality, but because I've known them nearly all my life there is enough history and comfort there to enjoy their company every so often.
The other exceptional group whom I love to be with besides children and that very small group of friends, is extended family. I've either known them my whole life or am just starting to get to know them (my family or Ben's). Since they take a vested interest in me, I take a deep and bonded interest in them. They get my time and my heart unlike any random acquaintence just because we will always be together.
As for all others I know; neighbors, chuch acquaintences, etc., I do what I do with them, for them. Sometimes I have fun, here or there. It is not driven though by what I need rather by what they need. And I am happy to do that, to a point.
I like being alone. If I had to choose who in my life is my daily muse, whom I accept more than anyone to share my space? I'd choose my children.
There are lots of people I like to hang out with in very limited portions. Most of those people are the kind who enjoy me at least a little more if not a lot more, than I them. (I don't mean to sound stuck up.) Then, after some time, they notice how difficult it is for me to be social and the glimmer of spending time with me, becomes dull. And they make me their "sometimes we get together" friend, meaning not their most intimate friend.
It emotionally exhausts me to be around people too long. I can't wait, sometimes, till I am free again so that I can relax and do things which energize my life. It seems kind of strange perhaps but I need a lot of alone time in order to keep my life focused and productive. I use time away from others so that I can think and meditate to be ready for the next round of interactions.
It is unfortunate about me, that I am persuaded way down deep inside there isn't often enough variety in one human being to keep my interests up. I often know what people are going to say, and so I just have to sit and wait patiently for them to finish. Or else they are frequently doing things that I am trying to not be corrupted by.
After being around someone else, I usually prefer to slow my head from spinning out of control from all their imput by praying, reading the scriptures, or other solitary activities. Another thing which recharges me is being around children. I like it when the children are with me. It is peaceful to spend time laying on the floor staring in the eyes of a hiccuping infant. I also greatly enjoy training children or having conversations with little ones to make them say funny things to the ear of an adult. The least enjoyable group of children are the oldest ones, for me, because they talk most like an adult... but, I still enjoy them so much more than grown-ups. There are times though when I want to be away from children, too, at least every once in awhile. I'm not a perfect caregiver and I get over-taxed from time to time. I thoroughly enjoy walking or driving by myself. It feels like I'm going on a date with God and my own personal destiny.
As I think about it, I actually seek people to give me their children and have the parents go off and do something else not with me. That way I get all my favorite interactions.
There are times and ways that I do wish to have the company of others.
One is that very small group of adults whom I admire and adore. I got a couple of roommates in college who are upstanding, passionate lovers of Jesus Christ. We have so much more in common than just that. I suppose I could spend a great deal of time with them and wouldn't feel distracted from what is important for me to be about doing, just like I did several years ago when we lived in the same room. At this point, though, both of them live far away and I don't talk to them but once every three months. That's enough. Just knowing that they are there is most of what matters, that and trusting when I see them again it will be passionate and personal and purposeful, like long-separated lovers.
There are a couple of friends I keep along with my sister whom I go out and do girly things with. I really don't care to do anything elaborate when I am with them but I do like a reason to get dressed and "go out." We differ in either philosophy, ethics or morality, but because I've known them nearly all my life there is enough history and comfort there to enjoy their company every so often.
The other exceptional group whom I love to be with besides children and that very small group of friends, is extended family. I've either known them my whole life or am just starting to get to know them (my family or Ben's). Since they take a vested interest in me, I take a deep and bonded interest in them. They get my time and my heart unlike any random acquaintence just because we will always be together.
As for all others I know; neighbors, chuch acquaintences, etc., I do what I do with them, for them. Sometimes I have fun, here or there. It is not driven though by what I need rather by what they need. And I am happy to do that, to a point.
I like being alone. If I had to choose who in my life is my daily muse, whom I accept more than anyone to share my space? I'd choose my children.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Martha vs. Mary
Luke 10:38-40 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
Camping always is a unique experience. There are so many things that need to be done to keep the experience enjoyable, especially when there are young children and three dogs to keep under close supervision. Making a meal is not like making a meal at home, for even when its planning is done right, finding the right items at the right moment isn't always easy.
A typcial raised-voice conversation across the campsite goes like this:
"Did anyone see the ladel?"
"Yeah, your husband just had it."
"Hubby, where's the ladel you just had?"
"What?"
"Where's the ladel? The pancakes are waiting...."
"I don't know, and I can't help. I'm right in the middle of changing a poopy diaper."
It's like a constant need-fest. Randomly for a moment here or there, someone can just sit and enjoy the company.
My father started a conversation at dinnertime on the generation of consciousness and how reality as we know it might exist as frames in spacetime. Silly dad. You have to see it from his perspective: he's been waiting a long time to have both son-in-laws (and his daughters too) in one place to have a group discussion. Meanwhile preparations for the meal, let alone child and dog control, requires that some of the adults peel off to help my poor mom. Who gets up, and who sits? In this case, my sister and I abandoned the men to the abyss of provoking thoughts to make a bijillion plates of food all customized to the least confrontational combinations for each child.
Because it is very difficult to think deeply with a lot of insane barking, yelling and screaming happening all around you (children ages 6 to zero), the two groups, the conversationalists and the workers, get pitted against one another fast.
I decided there really is no such thing as the "more important" part of camping. If I end up in a chair being served, I'll be happy, and if I don't do anything but tidy up, that's satisfying too. And I can appreciate both sides best.
Camping always is a unique experience. There are so many things that need to be done to keep the experience enjoyable, especially when there are young children and three dogs to keep under close supervision. Making a meal is not like making a meal at home, for even when its planning is done right, finding the right items at the right moment isn't always easy.
A typcial raised-voice conversation across the campsite goes like this:
"Did anyone see the ladel?"
"Yeah, your husband just had it."
"Hubby, where's the ladel you just had?"
"What?"
"Where's the ladel? The pancakes are waiting...."
"I don't know, and I can't help. I'm right in the middle of changing a poopy diaper."
It's like a constant need-fest. Randomly for a moment here or there, someone can just sit and enjoy the company.
My father started a conversation at dinnertime on the generation of consciousness and how reality as we know it might exist as frames in spacetime. Silly dad. You have to see it from his perspective: he's been waiting a long time to have both son-in-laws (and his daughters too) in one place to have a group discussion. Meanwhile preparations for the meal, let alone child and dog control, requires that some of the adults peel off to help my poor mom. Who gets up, and who sits? In this case, my sister and I abandoned the men to the abyss of provoking thoughts to make a bijillion plates of food all customized to the least confrontational combinations for each child.
Because it is very difficult to think deeply with a lot of insane barking, yelling and screaming happening all around you (children ages 6 to zero), the two groups, the conversationalists and the workers, get pitted against one another fast.
I decided there really is no such thing as the "more important" part of camping. If I end up in a chair being served, I'll be happy, and if I don't do anything but tidy up, that's satisfying too. And I can appreciate both sides best.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Across the Street, Pt 4
In the last couple of weeks or so there have been some very tender moments between Kathy and I.
After the second time or so of visiting her in her home she came over and knocked a day later and gave me a note folded and sealed with cat stickers. She was a little misty-eyed and just quickly said something along the lines of how nice it was to spend time talking together. She saw me finger the seal and was about to run off and I said "Wait before you go I want to give you a hug." So I tenderly hugged her around the shoulders and then she hurried home.
The note said inside, "Michele, as far as I'm concerned you are the most loving, caring, and patient mom around. Luv, kathy." I just shake my head. She makes me feel so good! I put the note up under a magnet on the fridge. The LORD has given this woman an amazing talent to encourage others with words, what a role model for me. Crazy for me to think that I could do anything remotely as beneficial, for her.
I did however remember to check my closet for a leftover pair of maternity pants now that she is in desperate need for them since her surgery is enduringly so painful. As I did it was like my closet was jumping with fish and out popped a stack of tops and bottoms about two feet high; maternity clothes I didn't even know I had! I was so pleased that God multiplied my intention somehow, so that I could do something good for her, finally. I went over and dropped it off briefly in my usual chipper Christian mode, which is sometimes a little overwhelming for people, and I thought she might have felt that way. I complimented her on her star jasmine growing in the front and mentioned how I had three which I had left uncared for since the baby and they might have all died before I will get to plant them.
She wrote me a thank-you card back that had fresh flowers pressed and fragrant inside and which read "Michele, you already have three star jasmines: Grace, Elizabeth and Elijah." Aww. I am beginning to love this woman! :)
At that point I made the goal that in the future, God-willing, perhaps I could be put in the position where she would feel comfortable if I ask to pray with her.
Roughly a week passed and today she rang the doorbell and said, "Well, this is it. Tomorrow morning I go in for the procedure." At ten AM they are going to try their last hope to fix her enough so that she won't be on a puree diet for the rest of her life... amongst other complications. All these extend from medical malpractice a few months back which even endangered her life on several occasions... and she'll never see justice done for it in a legal sense.
We talked about stuff and she said she was really scared to go back under the knife again, so scared that she's even written good-bye letters for her children. She's so scared she doesn't even want to talk about how scared she is. I wasn't thinking on my feet very well and thought to just say "We've been praying for you often and we'll be praying for you...." She said, "You know, I think I really need that. Neither Clay nor I are very religious. But I have been praying to God every day." She motioned with her arms, raising them up above her head and waved them around, and said, "God, remember me? It's Kathy...".
We small talked some more and another idea popped into my mind. I said, "Another thing I just thought of, if you would like, is I can put you on the prayer list at my church, and it would just be your first name and what will happen tomorrow, that's how they usually do it, not any more detailed than that because they believe that God knows who the person is and what the need is... what do you think?"
"Yeah, yeah, I think I'd really like that."
So we're praying for her.
After the second time or so of visiting her in her home she came over and knocked a day later and gave me a note folded and sealed with cat stickers. She was a little misty-eyed and just quickly said something along the lines of how nice it was to spend time talking together. She saw me finger the seal and was about to run off and I said "Wait before you go I want to give you a hug." So I tenderly hugged her around the shoulders and then she hurried home.
The note said inside, "Michele, as far as I'm concerned you are the most loving, caring, and patient mom around. Luv, kathy." I just shake my head. She makes me feel so good! I put the note up under a magnet on the fridge. The LORD has given this woman an amazing talent to encourage others with words, what a role model for me. Crazy for me to think that I could do anything remotely as beneficial, for her.
I did however remember to check my closet for a leftover pair of maternity pants now that she is in desperate need for them since her surgery is enduringly so painful. As I did it was like my closet was jumping with fish and out popped a stack of tops and bottoms about two feet high; maternity clothes I didn't even know I had! I was so pleased that God multiplied my intention somehow, so that I could do something good for her, finally. I went over and dropped it off briefly in my usual chipper Christian mode, which is sometimes a little overwhelming for people, and I thought she might have felt that way. I complimented her on her star jasmine growing in the front and mentioned how I had three which I had left uncared for since the baby and they might have all died before I will get to plant them.
She wrote me a thank-you card back that had fresh flowers pressed and fragrant inside and which read "Michele, you already have three star jasmines: Grace, Elizabeth and Elijah." Aww. I am beginning to love this woman! :)
At that point I made the goal that in the future, God-willing, perhaps I could be put in the position where she would feel comfortable if I ask to pray with her.
Roughly a week passed and today she rang the doorbell and said, "Well, this is it. Tomorrow morning I go in for the procedure." At ten AM they are going to try their last hope to fix her enough so that she won't be on a puree diet for the rest of her life... amongst other complications. All these extend from medical malpractice a few months back which even endangered her life on several occasions... and she'll never see justice done for it in a legal sense.
We talked about stuff and she said she was really scared to go back under the knife again, so scared that she's even written good-bye letters for her children. She's so scared she doesn't even want to talk about how scared she is. I wasn't thinking on my feet very well and thought to just say "We've been praying for you often and we'll be praying for you...." She said, "You know, I think I really need that. Neither Clay nor I are very religious. But I have been praying to God every day." She motioned with her arms, raising them up above her head and waved them around, and said, "God, remember me? It's Kathy...".
We small talked some more and another idea popped into my mind. I said, "Another thing I just thought of, if you would like, is I can put you on the prayer list at my church, and it would just be your first name and what will happen tomorrow, that's how they usually do it, not any more detailed than that because they believe that God knows who the person is and what the need is... what do you think?"
"Yeah, yeah, I think I'd really like that."
So we're praying for her.
Friday, August 03, 2007
A Perfect Day
I was laying in the park for a picnic with the kids, next to Lijah on the grass, watching the girls. Lijah reached up his hand and placed his palm gently on my cheek, many times, so that I would look down at him, as he gazed at me with love.
The girls kind of meandered around and Grace came over and layed down beside me and the baby. I guess having a playset of their own at home makes them spoiled... lazy bubs. She and I talked about a girl who helped Lizzy by giving her a push on the swings.
I said "A lot of the time teenagers are weird. But that girl is really nice, isn't she?"
"Yeah. And sometimes they're mean, too. Mom, do teenagers rock and roll?" she asked.
"Yes Grace," I replied, "teenagers love to rock out."
We had no where we needed to be, and it was so nice to just enjoy ourselves. The weather was perfect. So nice, I don't think I've experienced a finer day. The breeze was strong and cool, but not enough to chill, and the sun was very warm, but even though I was wearing jeans I didn't regret it. I wish I could catch the day in a bottle so that I could share it with others.
In the five minute drive back to our house this is what I heard on the radio:
I believe that He loves you where you are
I believe that you've seen the hand of God
I believe you'll know it when
You're back in His arms again
I believe that He never let you go
I believe that He wanted you to know
I believe that He'll lead you till
You're back in His arms again
--Mark Shult
The girls kind of meandered around and Grace came over and layed down beside me and the baby. I guess having a playset of their own at home makes them spoiled... lazy bubs. She and I talked about a girl who helped Lizzy by giving her a push on the swings.
I said "A lot of the time teenagers are weird. But that girl is really nice, isn't she?"
"Yeah. And sometimes they're mean, too. Mom, do teenagers rock and roll?" she asked.
"Yes Grace," I replied, "teenagers love to rock out."
We had no where we needed to be, and it was so nice to just enjoy ourselves. The weather was perfect. So nice, I don't think I've experienced a finer day. The breeze was strong and cool, but not enough to chill, and the sun was very warm, but even though I was wearing jeans I didn't regret it. I wish I could catch the day in a bottle so that I could share it with others.
In the five minute drive back to our house this is what I heard on the radio:
I believe that He loves you where you are
I believe that you've seen the hand of God
I believe you'll know it when
You're back in His arms again
I believe that He never let you go
I believe that He wanted you to know
I believe that He'll lead you till
You're back in His arms again
--Mark Shult
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