"Pause"

This is a copy of the post I made to my fellowship Christian hall blog.

I like it a lot, going back to visit. As I mentioned in its content, these things are good to keep mental hold of....

"Pause"

"My sin will always find me. It will always be exposed.

"Tonight I was confronted by the understanding that someone found out about something that I did wrong a while back. And it hurt, me. It made me flustered. Impatient. Angry. I fully expected, by theory, that my sin would be found out by everyone, but now living that expectation is still quite unpleasant.

"I can feel my shame.

"The Lord really wanted me to know something important tonight.

"First of all, my praise will never be so pure, as during the moment when I am ashamed of myself. Other times, my self, my pride, my aspirations even, will always taint and distract my worship to think and trust less in Him. But when I am down and out, then I am assaulted emotionally to surrender all. To hope in Him, with all my soul.

"If only I could always be so full of shame--it'd be to my Christian benefit.

"And that leads me to point number two. I don't really trust Him. I could trust Him so much more than I currently do. What does God really see when He looks in my heart to what I lean on, what I delight in, what I aspire for? I am sinful, of that I am sure tonight.

"I need more of Him, and so much less of me. It seems like a lofty goal, far too unattainable to me. I mean, look at this solidified "Christian" routein! How can I explain to anyone else a major overhaul of all my "good things"? How can I go there myself, when the terrain would be so foreign and so hard to travel?

"I have felt shame before.

"And I can remember what happened afterward.

"Nothing much negative, from God's end. To be sure, my shame drew my heart closer. But He didn't finish my servanthood. He proved He abided with me. He proved his covenant was unshakeable.

"How can that not be amazing? How can we be so very qualified to bear the light of the world in our lives, yet be so imperfect? How is it that He can turn evil into the good of bringing us closer so that we will be like the woman caught in adultry, having the same command and assuredly obeying it from that moment forward:

"Standing close, He said softly, 'Go, and sin no more.'

"My God heals me.

"He makes me whole.

"He takes away all my inclination to sin. And that is nothing less than a miracle, in this world."

11/02/05