Renouncing in order to Receive

I could see my sinful nature having been fed through the blogging effort, and so awhile back I prayed about it. This time however He didn't ask me to be removed from blogging but rather made my pride removed from me. So I'll keep on.

I'm just tired of walking any form of a path that increases my witness of hype over... me. I don't want hooplah for me anymore; there are moments here and there when I have drifted too far from the Lord's voice when I accidentally start to think about how awesome I am again, and then I get slapped in the face again, by shame. Being honest wading through how much I am messed up, it disgusts me to see my image be exaulted.

I am willing to lay down anything, if I can just remove the hype from my heart. I want no room for it.

I am glad that I have been so insulted by myself. All I want is to change. My dependence on God is increasing by quality and quantity.

It is amazing how die-hard this notion of works-righteousness goes in my heart. It is always there, keeping me deceived, keeping me at bay from the Lord who does all good things. Works-righteousness is opposed to trust. And I am glad that it isn't my burden to do amazing things for Christ, except by faith.

Here is what the Lord has me walking through, since I began a serious training session from the Lord starting about a month ago:

--giving up my baby, and plans for a baby soon even though....
--giving up being at LDS Digital whom are not only a love of mine because of Christ but at the minimum a three-year reinforced routein of daily conversation and thought-stimulation
--giving up speaking my thoughts, just because it's in my heart
--praying, oh, praying like it is my very crutch
--giving up in family dynamic matters
--giving up food
--comitting to a daily reading of God's word

It has been very challenging! When I used to have one thing go sour I'd just turn to another, but that "another" is gone, too! And so on and so forth. My mind has very little to focus its pleasures of anticipation on.

You have to renounce before you can receive the blessing. One part must be cut off so that another part can flourish. I keep concentrating on these concepts as I practice everyday giving up what I want to eat. Since somewhere around at least Thanksgiving I have stopped eating, where now I eat, at the most, half of what I used to. It is an amazing thing to see how little food I really need to live on. It is amazing to see how the hunger sensation keeps being strong well after I have gotten full. I never knew these things until now. In all my life I have never tried to deny myself food. The concept to me was painful, and I wouldn't even consider it. I knew I had no ability to restrict myself, so I never even wanted to try anything committed. But God has somehow delivered me a strength I never had, to begin! It takes so much concentration to not eat like I used to, that I've had to change around my entire normal routein.

When I fail to withstand temptation, I feel angry and I feel like giving up altogether, because I hate myself. It has come to my realization that it is very much a part of God's plan for me to experience this frustration. Usually this frustration makes me fall away. But that's not good enough anymore--I want obedience too much now. Now it has the opposite effect on me; I am propelled to remain close to the Vine, to Him--He wants to give what I need moment by moment so that I abide perpetually in obedience and satisfaction. So the hatred for myself, instead of fueling my giving up, is fueling my understanding that I need to remain close to Him.

I keep thinking, when I am restored in vision and strength because I am close to Him, that "I will never again stray from Him so that I feel like giving in to temptation." But I think this is a false path. It is not my destiny to be "impervious." God hasn't made it an attainable goal for this life to become immune to falling away. What He has made walkable is a life that is so well versed and rounded in the richness of His grace that many, many many kinds of temptations or falling aways will simply not have sway in my eyes. In two words: "well-trained." I will be too intimate with Christ to ever choose sin, in increasingly greater and greater regard.

Again, a testimony, that the path set before me is designed to increase my dependence on Him, not decrease it. Here comes that relationship, that as I said in my blogs this whole year, I have been dreading for some reason.

That's where I'm at. These things set before me are challenging.