Tug of War

I have been experiencing a week of exploration into the depth of my self-centeredness and haughtiness this week. It has hurt to then go to a Birthright benefit dinner last night and then church the next morning.

I prayed midweek the vision He gave me: "Lay me down and break me apart, God." My vision was some large object just crushing my chest and breaking me open. Sounds graphic. And exciting.

I have been desperate and alone for this whole path of exploration. I knew God was lurking. But He was not close to me. I knew that His grace was still carrying me in the grand scheme, but I was far away from Him for the moment.

My pastor's sermon was on checking the filter; the "lint traps" of our conscience. He said "You could have even a passionate relationship with God, if only you'd change your filter when you notice it's clogged."

That word "passionate" caught me. My soul started growling with hunger pains.

I watched "The Dead Poet's Society" this week. Quoting Henry David Thoreau, it says in the club's motto: "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow out of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, Discover that I had not lived."

That's me.

I have a lot of passion. There's a lot of passion that I have for things that are not in God's light. And I have learned just as I write this, that even with all the soaking passion, there is still no meaning. I may feel strongly about many things, but how relevant are they to the rest of my life? How relevant are they to loving others?

I can sense in all my man-made ideals and ideologies that they are very anti-life. Meaning that they are self-centered and self-serving. I know that there is no power nor any satisfaction in it. I know that if I pursued them, people would get hurt, not helped. They are a statement summed up by "I," and not "Others." That's not what I really want!

I want to have a life of power. And of deep love and compassion for others. But I can't write the rules. My rules suck. They don't equate to reality as God has made it. I need to submit myself to the Author.

I feel like I must keep wading in these deep dark places. Because God wants to heal me. The depth of my darkness, and my weakness, will be a countermeasure for the height of the righteousness and wholeness He will put in their stead.

I must keep my eyes on the cross. Even when I am surveying with a penlight how much work needs to be done.