Conditions

I have to find a way to be a Christian. I don't know where to start, but, I know that's where I've decided to go.

I think I've seen this before. I had to make a difficult choice. When I was alone growing up at home, I was set to be rescued from my circumstances by a man; that's what I wanted. Yeah; it's what I wanted but year after year went by, and the pain of no such person materializing got worse and worse. Eventually I broke and decided I'd rather be saved by God in His own way than keep on waiting for my conditions to be met. And then, He helped me transform my thinking so that I could rescue myself. So, that worked out pretty well....

Now I see once again I am fighting what isn't fair in my life in the same way. I've set conditions, again. And, so far I haven't settled for anything less. I want it my way. I want fulfillment. Meanwhile time is ticking away, and my heart is wasting away. All these attitudes were stages I think I had to work through, and perhaps I've completed all of the negative ones now. This last one I'm engaging is very similar to the one I mentioned from the past, above: lowering my standards, to include a larger scope of fulfillment on God's terms.

Still, I don't know how to reach around the pain to grasp faith. I don't have any ideas. I have complete lack of confidence that I will walk away from this post and be any better at closing the disconnect. At least at this juncture I'm open to the potential. I have to, and I am willing, to offer at least that small hope.