By Way of Passing Out

It has been a long time since I've written about the LORD.

Let me confess.... I've misplaced my bible. I think it was in my car for about two weeks and I didn't even think a second about it. For months, now, when I would see it lying somewhere, my thought was "Yeah, yeah." My prayer times have been sporadic, and when I've been off, the idea of talking to God seemed... unpleasant, for almost any request. Signs, of something gone sadly wrong.

To explain such disappointing news, I incorporated some previously discussed stories of where I have been. Childhood was a time of stress and restraint. I was molded into someone ready to be dogmatic for whatever I found. Once released, yeah; I became one of the most devoted and pure kind of a Christian that maybe people can be made to be. People who face death, like for instance cancer patients, realize how precious life is and go through a reprioritizing of goals as a result to maximize purpose verses time remaining. Well, I've been riding a similar wave of motivation, since I was set free from my parents. Riding the wave was a piece of cake. But the wave has crested, now, and washed me ashore.

Now, I have nothing left. This is probably natural -- shock can't be a means of motivation forever. This is a stage that will in the long run, make me a better person. I've always been such a serious person. Laughing and relaxing just didn't fit in while I worried about where to live, or eating, you know. I never really had a sense of humor first for others', and always, till now, for myself. For the first time in my life, I am able to have enough fun to try and tell jokes. Hmm. That's a change I am glad to see happening.

Most worrisome is simply facing the immaturity of my self. Released from dogmatism, I've lost my blinders which kept my focus narrow and forward-facing. Now, I see the variety of life and ways and the world, and find my Christianity in crisis, and not just the good kind of crisis which makes me more trustful in God, but also the crisis of seeing sin in many forms and thinking that it also looks like a comfortable place to get cozy with life. This kind of distraction causes my faith to go underused and my interest in following God very tested. In the privacy of my own mind, I have been a really bad girl.

Once that stuff came into my heart, life got hard for me. I have never had to think critically of my persona created by former circumstances: Innocent. Strong. Determined. Idealistic. Capable. Compassionate. I think of myself as having these traits naturally, because of how deeply I dug into my self during hardship. And if it were true as I have always thought, that these things came naturally, then why was it, again, that I needed to ask God into my life, exactly? So, for almost a year, I've been arrogant. Self-reliant. Thinking I'm the stuff.

Of course, thinking that I'm awesome, I found out, took a lot of time and hard work to make sure that I was indeed as awesome as I associated myself to be. That kind of work never seems to stay put. That's why I can't stand being overweight right now, for example. Thinking that you're awesome, by the way, also makes almost any kind of relationship you have with other people, get frustrating. Because my sense of verification isn't coming from God but instead through the praises of man, or even the praises of my own evaluation.

"You were wearied by all your ways,
but you would not say, 'It is
hopeless.'
You found renewal of your strength,
and so you did not faint.
Whom have you so dreaded and
feared
that you have been false to me,
and have neither remembered me
nor pondered this in your hearts?
Is it not because I have long been
silent
that you do not fear me?
I will expose your righteousness and
your works,
and they will not benefit you.
When you cry out for help,
let your collection of idols save
you!
The wind will carry them all off,
a mere breath will blow them
away.
But the man who makes me his
refuge
will inherit the land
and posess my holy mountain." Is 57:10-13

There is a way in which I truly was innocent, as a young person. It wasn't my fault, what happened to me. But innocence has certainly little place for a mature Christian. Do I or do I not need forgiveness? I'm supposed to be aware that I am a sinner. What a hard stage to agree to endure -- in a way, harder than taking a hitting when I knew I didn't deserve it. It makes me bitter to think, that, with all that I suffered, with all that I endured, that I did not make myself really into something lastingly awesome. I want to hold onto that belief. If I did not turn out better because of it, then can I really feel like I am saved from those evil times?

I'd rather not see how evil I would become if I had my appetite quenched, for all that my eyes behold. I'm still lingering like I'm capable and awesome, and, so it makes me tempted to sin because, if I gain all kinds of things I haven't been given, it would prove my awesomeness to have obtained them. And so as a result I see all the damage I could cause to everything good God gave me. Damage. Isn't it amazing that He let all this happen in a controlled realm (my mind)? What a grace. So, I'm learning the slow, hard way, that I am a sinner. That I am incapable, not innocent, not truly compassionate, not truly one who has endurance to hold to good, not truly one who can hold fast to principles. The exact opposite of the persona I gave myself.

The most clear thing to me, is, I will never be done with this stage of falling away from God by being lifted out of this pit of seeing my sin. That's not the way it's going, and that's not the way it's going to go. I'll keep disappointing myself so long as I can "find a renewal of my strength, and so I will not faint." The way of escape is by way of the fainting.

When my persona passes out and dies, I'll go to heaven and live a new life:

"'I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite
and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the
contrite.'" Is 57:15