Protecting my Time

I've been asked to help out with the Wednesday night children's club, AWANA, this year. Been considering it. I realize that it is not right for my family by my own eyes, either in the participation of my child, nor my help in conducting it.

Does my child need another activity? Even a great one? One, even, where she hears the gospel and may receive it into her heart? What is not right about that kind of a program?

My daughter is going to be starting preschool this year; three days a week for half the day, since she is four. And then there's 3 hours of church on Sunday. And AWANA is on Wednesday nights. And the church wants me to do childcare Wednesday mornings, and I wanted to do a women's bible study Tuesday mornings. This is the schedule that has been placed in front of me to pick out of for this future school-year!

But I already know where I've been. I have been so busy that I can't even give love and attention to the children I watch as my heart would dictate, because there simply is too many of them. And then, what about my own children?? There have been weeks, this summer, when I have had only -one-, 5-minute face to face conversation with my daughter in a whole week's time. So who, I realized, was raising my daughter, so to speak? Her playmates! They have much more imput than I. And Grace and I are growing apart.

My compassion can only take me so far for goodness's sake. Every time I say yes to a child that is not mine, I am saying no to my own. I must tend and honor the fields I have already purchased; no one else can do that, but me.

This bouncing from activity to activity -may- be appropriate for a sixteen year old (we'll see), with their busy schedules and involved activities and interests, but it is not appropriate for a 4-year old.

If my child has been provided a familiar, tested and tried love from me, then they will be successful in everything they put their hands on in life. What they need most, especially for this stage in life, is a deep and secure relationship. No other time has been given to she and I to achieve that kind of depth. As we get older they will only grow farther away; not closer. Now is not the time to surrender lightly.

You can see this most, even if you have never been a parent, whenever you have spent time around a child. The child learns your rules, your values, your opinions. You learn the child's strengths and weaknesses. And then the stage is set for building or breaking bonds. The child naturally is timid to know where the boundary lines are, afraid for the kind of consequence that comes with crossing or nearing those boundary lines. They are afraid to be who they are, for what that will mean. A caretaker can procure obedience from almost any child; but that does not equal a success story. A success story from a child's point of view is to know that whatever is in their hearts or minds cannot change whether or not they are loveable. Success is for them to know that they are still loved even when suffering a caretaker-given hardship. Success is to know that a caretaker intiates and leads them to better ways of expressing themselves in the world.

There is a time to give away. There are moments when it is obviously right to help others, because of compassion, to attend to other children who have a need. I started with that premise four years ago when I originally began watching children for free, and I gave away as much as I could be confused to think might be possibly right to surrender. From this experience, now, I can say with surity, it generally was not ideal, for anyone. Each parent must carry the yoke of raising the children that they have bore, myself included. The rule-giver must also be the love-giver. Just like we have only one Lord, who is everything to us; present to guide, loving and commanding, we must also have only one mother and father, with the authority and consistency that does not contradict the method and values that could come from another home.

I am a far-ways off from being well-tried and tested as the source of love and rule in my daughter's life, right now. Not because she doesn't obey me most of the time. No; because she does.... It's because I do not know and therefore have her heart, like I know I ought. And it breaks mine to think it.

Turning and reflecting on my relationship with my God....

Some people may think it shocking and scandalous that I am not yet made obedient to some of the will of God, even those kinds of commandments which are so popularly known in scripture. But is it so shocking, really, considering how much distance there is between who I am and who the Lord is?

First of all, there is sin. God separates Himself from me, until I confess it. But then there remains one more wall, the wall that I have in the ways of our natures, keeping me from being near Him. This wall consists of three issues:

A) I have not known Him:

"and the way of peace they do not know." rom 3:17
"None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory." 1 cor 2:8

B} I have not understood His ways:

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord....

C) I have not understood His thoughts:

'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Is 55:8-9

But: the more that I understand and learn these things (now that I have been adopted as His child), the easier it is to listen and follow His voice. I can see that His intention was accepting, and it's okay for me to come close. When I know that the Rule-Giver is for me and not against me, I know that I can conquer any task that I am given. It equates to a life of success.

What if this is what it is like for our children, our neighbor kids, our friends and relatives? They fear us, simply because they do not understand our ways, or know our heart? They cry on their pillows, not because they were told 'no,' but because they don't know what to do with themselves? So the heart is the most important thing we caretakers can display for their sake. It is the only thing which makes the bond great and the trust deep, to listen, and obey, and take on the world in confidence. And that means giving our time and attention for these things to take place.

The outplay of such an establishment in love with my child would include being made receptive to a gospel message, as AWANA is trying to provide. So; that means, first things first.

God has let me teach myself the hard way to finally choose to say no to others I have compassion to help. It's hard for me to say no. I was told long ago that it was right to say no, but I never really believed it, till I saw the consequences in all those little lives. Now, would it seem anything less than foolish for me to surrender that time to a new agenda, when I already had to sacrifice so much?

I am learning to become jealous of the influence others have, as God is rightfully so for me in my life. I do not want to lose my child so quickly, God-willing, to the common disease of teenager-hood; the belief that a parent doesn't really have their best interests ar heart. I am fighting that lie today even though I am ten years out from experiencing it:

"My purpose is that they be encouraged in heart and united in love, so they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments." Col 2:2-4