Do you love me, Lord?

I have been wanting God to just let me go, for a month or so now. Hands off, is the jist.

One day kinda turns into the next, I have no distinguishing hope in the midst of crises, I have little interest in calling out when I'm hurt. I'm just accepting the good with the bad. I get tired, you know, of being so up.

It is exhilirating, to have a life filled with moments of God-given meaning. I love it, but it's almost too stimulating to handle, sometimes.

Kinda what it's like to achieve greatness all day long by rising up at the alarm clock and being on time to work and listening to everything everyone says and doing well at your tasks. By the end of the day, you get home, and all you want to do is sit down and turn on a movie.

So that's where I've been. I've been dreaming and entertaining myself with whatever meager (worldy) things are appealing in the moment. But they'll run out. And then when my entertainment runs dry it will change to nervousness. And then pacing. Of course, I am talking about my spiritual realm:

"In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army. They destryed the Ammonites and beseiged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem. One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace." 2 sam 11:1-2

So I'll re-write that in terms of my personal state of affairs:

"In what Sanc likes to call "My Time," when everyone else is excited about doing the will of God, Sanc watches others go out and do the work she knows she herself once did. The Christians around her wage war on dark spiritual strongholds, and mightily win souls for His name. Sanc, however, is content to find her own activities. In the twighlight of "My Time," when Sanc is willing and open to being led by a forlorn whisper, she wanders around, waiting for peril to strike in her heart."

He satisfies, but I don't choose satisfaction because that means "relationship" and I don't want to face Him. He gives meaning, but I don't want to live-out meaning. He gives zeal, but I just want to sort things out in a low-key kinda way.

Did David somehow alter the course of his eternal destiny through sinning against the Lord? No. The Lord still loved Him, didn't revoke His promise to make him the King. God is faithful. David was not. "Against you, and you alone, O Lord, have I sinned." David, I imagine, got tired of the awesome but stressful things he had seen fighting the battles God told him to fight. He said he wanted a day off. I don't blame him. But here we are, wandering around, idle, just ripe for trouble to come knocking.

The cure for idleness is love. "We love because He first loved us." 1 john 4:19

My love-bank is running low on funds. But why, I've been asking myself, would I need -His- love? Why would I turn to Him for help, when I have so many other choices to call upon, including my own inner strength to survive?

Think about the teenager (who never wants to be told what to do), trusted to stick to the rules of conduct when going to someone else's house, but another kid introduces a new experience and before you know it, damage has been done. Does that teenager really want to call their dad, first?? No. They call mom, they try and clean it up themselves, they ask their friends, anyone, except dad. But for the biggest messes in life, only the Father knows how to make things right.

It's a humbling pick, one I'm not all that excited about, because as soon as I ask for help, He's going to ask me to rearrange a few of my choices, a few of my priorities, and that's not stellar, in my current sight. So the cycle of avoidance continues. I'm plainly, on the outside. I can feel the cold cement barrier. I'm not sure if I am cold enough to want to come in yet. I'm doing it to myself. God is patient enough to let me inflict this.

So yes, I am headed for a major 'down.' Either that, or else I break free now and stop short of the trouble coming.

Here is what I said above: "He gives zeal, but I just want to sort things out in a low-key kinda way." There is no such thing as a "low-key kinda way." Low-key = Disintegration key. I will never abide in peace of mind or any other good thing playing the doubting one, sitting on the fence of life. All I will reap is more and more falling apart, of all I hold dear.

"You are either for me or against me." -Jesus

And if I know that there is no such thing as a middle-road, only the opposing paths of peace and destruction, maybe tomorrow morning I will finally get back on track and choose the path of peace. Maybe being semi-chilled instead of frozen, is enough to kill my abayence this time.

When I come back to Him the first thing I will ask is, "Do you still love me, Lord?"