Dependent?

Two nights ago was the first time I have ever been prompted to pray before: "Make me dependent every moment on you."

I think I am beginning to see how come I always dredded a relationship with the Lord. It is because the idea of needing to go to prayer or the word for every decision I make seems so -- crippling -- . Who has the time or the interest to submit so often and so much of my everyday life? I'd run out of day to live. I've never asked anyone their opinion that much on anything. Not even when I was a child! Even when I was a child I wanted to do most everything without imput from my parents, or anyone else who was wise.

Everyone around me seems to be saying the same thing:

"And the Lord is saying to me right now, you know Sydney you really need me. No, Sydney; YOU REALLY NEED ME." (name is changed to protect the unknowing)

"When the time came for Abraham to rescue Lot, or for you to rescue others, will you be ready like he was?"

"I measure life's accomplishment not by what I have gained but by what I have given away."

I am finally assenting mentally. God is also working this out in my heart, building a good work, because I spend a lot of my time in the day depressed because I can't pray or read my bible.

It's coming.

Trophy for the song of the year

I have been ever searching for that feminine expression in a song. As for my Christian self this is the song which has taken my trophy for best expression of the female heart in relation to God. Unbeknownst to everyone this song has held this title undefeated for a year now--I have been waiting to blog this entry since I began blogging altogether.

Here is what I can offer--lyrics. But the song is so much more. Make sure you hear the -guitar- version.

Beautiful Name, by Zoegirl

Your heart I seek to find
Your hands have fashioned mine
Let me be used by you to carry truth
To the ends of the earth
'Til everyone's heard
A mended heart will share Your words
I will tell the world that You are God

I will run
I will fly
I will live to be a sacrifice
Through it all I'll rise above
Unafraid I will face what comes
I will run
I will fly
And for my faith I'll live & die
I'll be strong - I will press on
For the sake of Your beautiful name
Your beautiful name

Should all life cease to grow
Should chaos take control
The only hope we know is You will save us
It's worth the cost to take up my cross
As You take back what's been lost
Until all who doubt know
You are God

I will run
I will fly
I will live to be a sacrifice
Through it all I'll rise above
Unafraid I will face what comes
I will run
I will fly
And for my faith I will live & die
I'll be strong - I will press on
For the sake of Your beautiful name
Your beautiful name

I'm not captive anymore
I'm gonna soar to a new place
Take on a new pace
I know what my life is worth

I will run
I will fly
I will live to be a sacrifice
Through it all I'll rise above
Unafraid I'll face what comes
I will run
I will fly
And for my faith I will live & die
I'll be strong - I will press on
For the sake of Your beautiful name
Your beautiful name

Yes, this is my favorite song, and it has been for this whole year.

Yesterday afternoon I saw how to choreograph it. I just stood there and saw it all--how I would dance to it so that I could maximize it's expression. However the moves this song call for are those which I need professional training for. But I would do it, and if I could, I would be quite fulfilled to see God magnified. In order for me to do this song right I need three things: To lose 40 pounds (I need to be not average but skinny) because in order for a move to look right there has to be straight lines, to take a class for a while till I get the moves, and then buy a new house that would have a huge open space where I could run and leap without flipping over the couch. If you know what I mean. No sweat, right?? Ha. No really, in myself I have what it takes physically and inspirationally. We'll see if the Lord ever blesses me this way.

Historically I have rarely attempted guitar songs in dance. They are beyond my ability to express, a challenge. They are more complex, more variated and more emotional than the human voice, and it takes a lot of ambition to try and do it.

Also I think that God blessed me to think of this choreography, where more space and more across-the-floor kinds of movements are used. It would solve my issues regarding dance that is not sinful. I have thought about this a long time (how to make dance right for God), and I have to think about it some more.