Monday, September 20, 2010
Doubting my Salvation
The LORD did not intend for me to suffer with doubt after I received the gospel. Doubt is a weapon of the enemy to keep believers inactive. I'm thinking of the woman at the well when I think about God's heart for me. She heard the word and she left amazed. Leaving her water pitcher behind, she went to tell everyone she could find. That's God's best. That's the way He would want it to be like, for all His people, I think. Unfortunately there have been many, many teachers who have squeezed their words in-between Christ and my heart. They promote distortion over what it takes to be saved and by doing so steal the headship of the Spirit. Thank God for Zane Hodges. Hodges cleared that up to let the scripture say exactly what it says. So that I can be like that woman at the well again - confident, and on fire for His truth; personally in awe of it. No longer do I rely on a mediator, a teacher, not even the sincerely beloved Hodges! I have Christ's Word, and my own soul to reply. And that is all I ever needed.
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I wanted to share this out loud. I was already fighting for this before I was introduced to Free Grace Theology, but when I came into it I was badly broken, and weak. I knew it was true but I was barely hanging on. I felt, like I feel on a lot of my reading of God's Word, that I must be the loopy one; insane. I want to stress how important it is to me to have community and not be alone. That's what Zane continues to give me - assurance that I wasn't insane or alone. Like I said recently to my friend and brother, Gary, when he repeats his comments regarding the promise of eternal life, it tightens my thinking. And I still crave this. There's this sense in which you know it, but you don't know it. And you need to hear it over and over again in order to be free. I've been battling with feeling like I'm the loopy one, on a lot of stuff for a long time and I'm just starting to experience relief from this in the last couple months.
There are times when I need a teacher to break in on my understanding of scripture. So in that way I do appreciate the mediating factor they make between my knowledge of Christ and myself. But let me try and explain the enormous difference.
All I want to point out is how important it is for me to be released in every way from anything that doesn't allow me to be affected, changed, or obedient. That's what He wants. It's only been when I have found a conviction in the Word, that I have be used by God to share with the lost and the church - and then also have it refined in me by the church beyond that foundation.
My greatest joys in life have always been when other believers say to me without words, "What in the world are you doing?!?" I can pull out my bible and show them what the scriptures say. Even if no one else can back it... Jesus is enough to start walking. To some people, my pulling out scripture looks like a pharisaical move to justify myself and that's up to them to discern the difference. I consider it pioneering by faith in Christ. Soon after the pioneering has begun, other laborers come alongside and heal all my wounds and soothe my aloneness. It is so worth it, to stand on the Word of God, to believe it, to live it, even if it makes you feel loopy at the start.
It's been a few years now since I've doubted in any way my salvation. But doubt has sidelined me in other ways. Even when I "know" from the LORD that I'm on the right track, I can't shake the feeling and make it leave altogether. I guess I'm just broken because of the background with the cults ("various doctrines").
Hebrews 13:7-9
Remember those who rule over you, who have spoken the word of God to you, whose faith follow, considering the outcome of their conduct. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Do not be carried about with various and strange doctrines. For it is good that the heart be established by grace, not with foods which have not profited those who have been occupied with them.
I love that passage.
"Just As I Am"
Charlotte Elliott
Just as I am, tho tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
fightings and fears within, without
O Lamb of God, I come! I come
Would it help to think that it's not "your" salvation to begin with; that instead it's God's? At least thinking in this way, you start with God in Christ as the ground of all salvation.
Hi Bobby,
Yes I think that's helpful. And true. Could you/want to take it further?
nice blog!
Thanks Forex, any comments are welcome.
On another thread I kind of expanded on the thought of this post, in case someone wants to read along and contribute a thought or experience... I am curious. Here's what I wrote in response to Alvin on another thread (titled "My Testimony"), here.
I am curious how free grace people experience this journey toward ending the whole doubt-factor. That's what I want to know more about, for myself and in general. It seems to not end, even if it isn't anymore about knowing I/you have eternal life anymore. Doubt, the thing, remains.
I have a thought I would like to offer.
There are two different sorts of doubt, I suggest. One relates to God, the other to self.
As to the former, consider the doubt expressed by the disciples early in their discipleship:
“But the men marveled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” Matthew 8:27
They still viewed Jesus as a rabbi. They did not doubt He could perform miraculous feats. Instead they doubted what this power meant in terms of His true identity. Their doubt - or even possibly their awareness - pertained to His dualistic identity as the Christ, Son of God. At this point of their discipleship their understanding trailed even that of the Gentile Centurion earlier Matthew 8: 5-13 or subsequently the demons in the region of Gergesenes Matthew 8: 28-32.
This sort of doubt reflects ambiguous belief and/or a weakness of faith.
As to the latter – self-doubt – this does not limit the strengthening of faith. Rather in measured amount, it is an enhancer. Self doubt or a lack of certainty as to one's perfection of understanding and interpretation of scripture is an ally to personal humility. It is the enemy of hubris. Self-doubt keeps us searching and building on our understanding of Scripture. It strengthens our belief, the foundation upon which faith rests. We ought always maintain a measure of self-doubt as to whether our scriptural interpretation is correct.
Only God is perfect in all things. In this world we have at best only limited understanding of Him through what He has chosen to reveal.
Hi Quantum!
Thanks for commenting. That is an excellent thought. When doubt is directed at myself, well that is a constructive situation. But doubting God is different. I wonder if sometimes it's difficult to sort between God's part in doubt and ours. I do believe that "believing" or having faith in God is our responsibility and our free will choice.
Mark 9:24 "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”" He was aware of the lack and claimed the problem as his own - but asked the LORD to minister to the shortfall.
God is not mighty in our life at those times He knows our unbelief. He responds accordingly. Matthew 13:58 "Now He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief."
You are right about the wind and the waves - Jesus is fairly encouraging and challenging their growth in the size of faith by asking them insightfully, "Why are you afraid, O ye of little faith?"
He prefers great faith (like the Centurion's) but will work with the faith as small as a mustard seed.
At the end of His time with his disciples on earth He rebukes them for not having faith. Mark 16:14 "Later He appeared to the eleven as they sat at the table; and He rebuked their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they did not believe those who had seen Him after He had risen."
The invitation of God for us to choose to have faith in Him doesn't seem to respect the sheer impossibility of the surrounding circumstances. Rom. 4:20 "He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God...".
These are the reasons why I am persuaded that placing faith in Jesus Christ either for eternal life or in discipleship is our responsibility for which we will be judged.
I liked this comment you made,
They still viewed Jesus as a rabbi. They did not doubt He could perform miraculous feats.
The feasts could be helpful to the person who had heard the command to "ask, seek, knock" - God is good. And even unbelieving Gentiles understood enough to approach Jesus after the sermon on the mount.
But the feasts could also be harmful if it made Jesus like a magic show or a meal ticket. Even these people God has mercy for if they have at least at one time put their trust in Jesus for the gift of eternal life.
Any thoughts in reply?
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