Not Was

This afternoon I was sorting through piles of baby clothes and I remembered how today, June 14th, the baby that I would have had would be one year old. I also remembered the joy I had to know that we were going to share our lives with a new little somebody, and then things were too quiet.... Then, disbelief and confusion how somehow there was no little new one to be expecting.

I figured out a long time ago the math of it all; that it is practically impossible for me to have both that baby who would be one year today, and our little Elijah. Technically, if I had carried to full term and delivered on the due date of June 14th, I would have next conceived Elijah only six days after giving birth. Technically, possible, I suppose. But every woman knows that ovulation doesn't happen for months sometimes after giving birth especially when nursing, and no egg means... no baby to make, and, no Elijah. And even if there were an egg only 6 days afterward instead of the minimum 28, then there's all the circumstances of imagining some way to procure a conception with a woman barely being sent home from the hospital, physically spent.... Very unlikely.

I know, I know, it wasn't meant by God to be, I can hear people telling me this in my head before I even finish that last paragraph. But I see how by some small corner of reality I could have carried them both in back-to-back pregnancies. And it makes my mind wander, imagining, what if?