Am I different now

I mentioned how I was beginning to relax about life in general. So, now I am trying to understand how this is appropriate in relation to what I've always been. I shared that photo and that story from my past to give a little background of why I am so thorough to battle confusion in my life.

The most important thing that I gained and intend to keep from those years is my lack of sureness about why... why I have to be this that or anything else, to own each and every facet of who I choose to identify myself as. Most people's reaction is probably, "That's dumb. A miserable life of endless introspection." But the benefits I have always reaped speak a better word to me. The benefit is, I am versatile in relating to others. The benefit is, I approach humility more readily. The benefit is, I will excel in living with a more realized purpose and meaning, at least I hope.

It's always been a handy thing to be able to explain the hope that is within me. I don't know... show me the bad in that.

And, I am so proud in the Lord for the way in which He has made me conscientious through those hard circumstances. He just so wanted me to be blessed with this kind of skill in His body which works in the world.

I have to explain that the most important change for me has been my circumstances. Before, I lived in uncontrollably fluxuating threat to my health, my hunger, my lodging, my self-confidence, even my life, because the truth is, I didn't know how far the hitting would go, since it wasn't based on me but on him, and I didn't know whether or not I would eat that day because it wasn't dependent on me as much as him, and so on and so forth.

Still, you may be wondering... do I own it? You have to understand, this happened over *years.* From 12 till I was 22, beginning with interrupting my bath at 6:30 in the morning grabbing me by my hair in the dark and breathing hatred over my spending time hanging out after school instead of walking straight home, to, being pregnant with my first child and he was, still, threatening to walk across the room and smack me because he didn't like the meekly-delivered answers I gave to his questions.

Now God has moved me into a territory of protection and deep blessing. There is a little white picket fence in front of the windows of my house, and that is my spiritual symbol of what God has done for me at this age. There is complete security about my health, my protection, my heritage received and being bestowed, my provision, my sense of worry for life. I almost could say that I live in a dream. No longer am I worried about what lurks around the corner, there is no trepidation for what anyone will do to me. I do not live under any threat.

So what happens to someone who is trained to expect danger but isn't experiencing it anymore?

People have warned me that I would begin to create problems where there are none. That I would make for myself controversies or struggles in my white-picket-fence life because that's all I know. But the point is, I don't think that this is taking place with me. I am happy, period. I am honored by my 1300 square feet and my marriage and my children and my car; period. I don't spend a lot of time thinking there's something unsatisfactory with anything outside of me, with a few exceptions of things here and there but I think that these are either normal, or maybe even sub-normal compared to others and what I hear of them openly complaining about this that or the other thing. I think I somehow came out, by God's grace, with a pretty good perspective on what I have been given. I hope I have a fair estimate of myself about this.

There is one way in which my sense of danger is allowed by me to live on in me....

And here is what I want to say: even though I am living in blessing and security now, I don't want to waste it. What I have right now, I know is a gift, and I could lose some or all of it someday, if God was permitting. That is why I still pull to hard topics, to take hard circumstances around me deep into my heart for the sake of raising myself to action. I am attracted to difficult things because I see what they could do for me & others, and, I even permit them to ravage my mind or heart kind of in the same way that I unwillingly experienced that tearing-down when I was younger.

The truth is, not everyone lives a life behind a picket fence. There are horrible things going on in the world. Unfortunate. Unpublished. Misunderstood. Because of my past, I perpetually do not see myself any different than them. I don't want to forget them. I want to stand side-by-side with them, for I was them, and could be again. Do unto others what you want done for yourself. Can I really help someone else if I am unwilling to be ravaged in my heart like they also are? People appreciate a friendship that is more real, and that's my business.

So there are small ways in which I fight even right now. It is not like before, because today, most are by my choice to participate in. Summed up they are no where close in intensity with what happened before, but I intend to keep emotionally fit, I guess, in case things would ever change for me. I'll be ready. I am still ready, at least I'm hoping.

Still, I admit I see myself being a wimp about the new kinds of sufferings being made real for my life here, the ones I am not choosing. Suffering in the way of less-than-realized relationships, where people can't see what I intend, or where I can't seem to express who I am, things are still bumpy for me, you know, I still find these frustrating even though I am making progress. And the most unfamiliar and new challenge of learning to relax, learning to be okay with finding myself not able to control or direct my sense of confusion back out, well, this is very hard to learn to surrender to.

I am glad that I know that I don't need someone else to rescue me from tough stuff. I want to learn strength the hard way in agreeing to be lonely through things that will teach me something beneficial. It's a lesson-learned that needs balance, though. For while I realize that if something around me is broken, the first place things ought to be changing is within myself, I also cannot ever agree to a feminist point of view. I know I need others. I know that God made me weak in a way that requires or plans for others to come to my aide. Some of these things are not gender-defined, some are.

It's nice to know that someone is there to catch you when you fall... I rarely expect it even though I always want it.

I said above that I let the feeling of danger live on in me in this way. As I ease into this new stage of "letting go" and "relaxing" I think this is good, and I am ready to go. But: I have to give credit where credit is due. And I have to remember to not let go of what I know I should never forget. That's why I think things like La Femme Nikita pasted onto my myspace page. I feel like anyone who goes there thinks I am insane. What am I doing in life that is remotely relatable to a tv show like that? I'm pregnant, caring for little babies and children all day long all week long for years now. You know what I am trying to say? I couldn't have a more different appearing life than this. And it is, truly the opposite. I know, I know.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=88830241

I need to recognize that reservior of potential from which I largely do not draw but when I do, it gives me great benefit even now. So, I hope I make more sense, as a personality, with this explanation of my past and what I took from it.